Chasing Dreams
by Earth Magician
Summary: Growing up as a psychic in Ohio is difficult. Throw in being gay and a dream-boyfriend and it's that much more difficult. Kurt has always been able to see things through other people's eyes, hear their thoughts and feel their pain and emotions as if they were his own. It's difficult to go on when you literally feel how much people hate you. This is his story.
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** Chasing Dreams

**Beta-reader: **onthaedge (lj)

**Artist: **marsmaywander (tumblr)

**Pairing: **Kadam

**Warnings:** suicide attempt and ideation, mentioned non-con towards adults and children, violence, pagan beliefs

**Author's Note: **This story was written for the Kurt Big Bang.

A thousand thanks to my beta and artist for choosing to work with me. It's been amazing. :)

Additionally, I don't own Glee. Never have and never will. If I did, there'd be some changes.

_ooo_

**Chapter One**

The television was running. Burt was watching a football game, but he couldn't seem to concentrate on it. He didn't quite understand why but his gaze kept drifting towards the entryway.

Elizabeth was running late. She'd called him to tell him not to wait for her to have supper. Still, this was a little later than he'd expected. He'd already put Kurt to bed, to despite the kid fighting tooth and nail to stay up to wait for his mother to get back.

Burt took his hat off and played with its rim, before putting it back on. It was times like these that he wished he had invested in cell phones for Elisabeth and himself. They were still so expensive though.

He tried to focus again on the television but gave up when he realized that he'd missed a touchdown. He wasn't even aware he could miss something like that. Usually, if nothing else, the cheering after it happened would have caught his attention.

Something was wrong. As he admitted it to himself and acknowledged the feeling to himself, it grew more focused. Something was really wrong. Something bad was about to happen or had just happened. Kurt was still in the house sleeping soundly. That meant it must be Elizabeth.

Burt turned off the television and went over to the entryway to pull his jacket from the closet there, and his keys from where they were hanging on a hook next to the door, on one of the wooden hooks Kurt had made in kindergarten. There were a total of four of them attached to a piece of plywood. It was colorful and Kurt had gone all out on the glitter glue. Still, it was something that Kurt had made, so Burt hung it up with pride.

He heard a door open behind him and turned around, his jacket still on his arm. He saw Kurt had gotten up. He was about to admonish him and tell him to go back to bed, when he took in the red eyes and grayish complexion. Kurt whimpered, "Daddy…"

Burt dropped his jacket and quickly stuffed his keys into his pocket as he rushed over to his little boy. He leaned down to his level to look him in the eye. "Kurt, what's the matter?"

"It's mommy…"

"What is it about mommy?"

"She isn't coming home."

"Of course she is, I'm going out now to try and find her."

"It's too late," Kurt sniffled. "She can't come back. She's dead."

Burt's heart hammered in his chest. "Kurt, you had a nightmare. She's fine. You'll see. I just have to find her."

"Don't leave me, daddy! Don't leave me too!" Kurt reached out to grab Burt's shirt. "I don't want to lose two parents!"

Burt swallowed and gathered up his son in a warm embrace. "It was just a nightmare. You'll see, she'll be fine."

"But daddy, I saw her panic as she lost control on the ice. The tree branch went right through her head. She was in so much pain in the few moments before she died. It hurt, daddy. It hurt a lot. She was so sad, daddy. She really did want to come home."

"What sort of movies have you been watching?"

"Disney movies. You know that, daddy."

"You're sure it wasn't a nightmare?"

Kurt shook his head. "I felt it too strong. I felt everything, daddy. My nightmares are never like that. Other than the ones that happen."

Burt whispered, "The ones that happen?"

Kurt nodded. "Yeah, like the one where I saw Aunt Mildred trip over her cat by the stairs and break her wrist and ankle. Don't you remember?"

"I remember the incident, but I didn't remember you dreaming about it."

"Oh, I wasn't asleep for that one. I was working on my homework and then I suddenly wasn't anymore. If that makes any sense." Kurt shrugged.

"And you're sure that this dream about…" Burt swallowed and closed his eyes, "mommy dying was…?" His voice got stuck.

Kurt sniffled. "Yes, daddy. I don't want it to have happened though."

Burt took a moment to compose himself. He pulled away from the hug, but left his hands on Kurt's shoulders and looked him in the eye. "Listen, Kurt, you have to promise me to never tell anyone else about these dreams you have. I don't care how close you are to them. You can't tell them."

"Why?" Kurt asked innocently.

Burt swallowed. "If the wrong people hear and believe you, they might take you away from me. We don't want this, do we?"

Kurt shook his head.

"Okay, then we have to stay very quiet about this."

Kurt nodded. "Mum's the word."

Burt sighed. "I'd hoped you wouldn't have inherited our gift – or had just received the weak versions your mother and I have. The dreams you have, are they of current events or future ones?"

"Present ones, I think," Kurt replied.

"Now that's a more advanced version of mine right then and there. I get feelings. I know something is happening, but I can't see it. Your mom…" Burt swallowed again before plowing on, "You mom was able to sense other people's emotions and pick up on their thoughts."

"Like me?"

Burt paused, digesting the information. "Yes, Kurt, like you."

"Oh…"

There was a pregnant silence between them, which was broken by the phone ringing. It rang a second time before Burt found the self-presence to pull away from his son to answer a phone call he really didn't want to answer.

He held his hand on the receiver hesitating just a few seconds before picking it up and stating clearly, "Hummel household, Burt speaking."

A harried voice answered, "Am I speaking to the husband of Elisabeth Hummel?"

Burt swallowed past the lump that had suddenly risen in his throat. "Yes."

"There was an accident on the road. I'm sorry to tell you, but there was nothing we could do to save her. She was already dead when we arrived on the scene. We need you to come and identify her body at Lima Memorial. As you know, she had an organ donation card on her. Once you've identified her, we'll be able to send her organs to help people."

"Go ahead with harvesting them. I know that time is of the essence there. She explained it to me. I have to organize someone to watch our son before I can come. Just… could you maybe fix her up before the funeral, so that it's not as obvious what was done with the body?"

"Yes, Mr Hummel. We'll fix her body up as well as we can. We'll see you soon."

"Yeah, soon." A tear leaked from one of Burt's eye, as he put down the phone.

Kurt demanded, "I want to go with you!"

"No, Kurt. You don't have to see your mom like that."

"I already did, daddy! Don't leave me here!"

"I'm going to call Andy."

Kurt's eyes were wet. "But daddy, it's my last chance to see her." He shuffled his feet. "I don't want… I don't want my nightmare to be the last I see of her."

Burt held back his own tears. "Kurt, they're going to fix her up. You'll be able to see her again before she's buried. I promise."

"But daddy… I don't want you to leave me. Please."

"Andy will take care of you."

"I don't want Uncle Andy! I want my daddy…" Kurt sniffled, "and my mommy."

Burt continued to hold back his tears. "I want her too, kiddo. We're going to get through this, okay?" Burt didn't know how he would get through this pain he felt, but he would have to. He had a son to look after. Their son – the only thing Burt had left of her.

Burt pushed the emotions back. He could deal with them later. Now, there was work to be done. He called his brother.

A grumpy voice answered the phone. "Hello? Do you know what fucking time it is?"

Normally, this would have made Burt smile. Now, though, Burt was just feeling numb. "Hi Andy, it's me, Burt."

"Why the hell are you calling me at this hour of night? You know my schedule!"

"I know, Andy, but there's been an accident. Elisabeth's dead."

"Huh?"

"I said, Elisabeth's dead. I have to go to the hospital. Could you please watch over Kurt while I'm gone?"

"I'm still sleeping, aren't I? This is a bad dream and I'll be waking up in," he paused, "two hours for work."

"Andy, aren't you listening to me?"

"No, I'm sleeping."

"Well, then wake the hell up and get over here to watch over Kurt!"

"He's old enough. He doesn't need a babysitter. Just," Burt heard a yawn, "give him to the neighbor next door. Then they can play together while you go play mortician."

"Andy, I'm serious here! Elizabeth is dead! I don't want him to be there when I identify the body. Later, when they've fixed it up maybe, but not now. Not yet. Andy, he saw it happen."

"You're serious? She's really dead? And he saw it? Like Grandma Grace?"

"Like Grandma Grace."

"Oh, crap! Poor kid! Okay, okay, fine! I'll call up work and cite family emergency then."

"Thanks, Andy."

"It's okay. Have you phoned the in-laws yet?"

Burt shook his head. "No, not yet. I'll do that tomorrow. Right now… I'm in survival mode right now."

"I'll call them for you once I get there. I'll see you soon."

Burt nodded. "Yeah, I'll see you soon." Burt hung up.

Kurt flung himself at Burt. "Please don't leave me, daddy. Let someone else go to the hospital! Or take me with you! Please daddy!" Kurt sobbed.

Burt carded his hand through his son's soft hair. "It'll be alright, Kurt. Andy will watch over you. I promise."

"But daddy…"

"But me no buts, kiddo. Your Uncle Andy will be here soon and that's the end of the discussion. Now try to get some more rest."

When Kurt went to sleep that evening he hoped with all his might that he wouldn't have another vision. Not after the one he'd seen of his mommy dying.

He found himself in a hospital room. There was a boy that looked to be a few years older than him there. Kurt decided that he was cute with his messy dark blond hair and blue eyes. He was really anxious and pale. There was a doctor there talking to him and his parents, who were holding hands and looking stressed. Kurt felt the dread change to hope. Kurt watched and felt as relief filled the parents and boy. Kurt heard the boy going over the words in his head in a strange accent, 'A donor was found in America. Your new kidney is on its way here as we speak.'

Kurt smiled and wished he could reach out to hug the other boy. All he could do was watch, though, as the boy was prepped for surgery, before he found himself drifting away again.

_ooo_

When Kurt awoke the next morning, he remembered nothing of the other boy. The only thing he remembered was the wish to reach out and hug someone. So, he went and hugged his daddy instead.

_ooo_

Several days after the funeral, Kurt asked Burt out of the blue, "Why is Uncle Andy treating me differently than everyone else is? He's always asking me about my dreams and stuff."

"That's because he knows more than the others do."

"What does he know? And why were you talking about Great-Grandma Grace on the phone? What has that got to do with me?"

"Your great grandmother was able to see things too, you know. You're the first one to be able to since her. Andy stayed with her a while, when he was going to university. If there's anyone who can help you with them, it's Andy, okay? He was there when…" Burt drifted off. "It doesn't matter."

"Please tell me," Kurt begged.

Burt avoided Kurt's gaze. "He was there when she saw her husband die in the Gulf War. It was a few days after that that he found her body. She killed herself."

Kurt cocked his head. "Why?"

"Because she didn't want to live without her husband."

"Why?"

"Because she loved him very much."

"Like you love mommy?"

"Yes, like I love mommy. But I promise I won't do that. I have you to live for. You need me. All of her kids were grown up. We were still very sad though. It was terrible to lose more than one person we loved in that short a time span."

"Were her visions awful too?"

"Yes, they were. She often said that she would give them up in an instant if she could. They weren't as bad as yours though, from what I can tell."

"Why?"

"Because she didn't feel what the people in her visions were feeling, like you do. You get that from your mommy."

"Can I turn it off like the TV?" Kurt asked hopefully.

Burt sighed. "I don't know, Kurt. I wish I had an answer for you, but I just don't know. Your great grandma said that sometimes when the visions were becoming too much for her, that she'd dream about her dream house where she was alone and safe. Maybe you'll have something similar. Maybe that's your subconscious' way of giving you a break."

"What a sub… sub…"

"Subconscious?"

"Yeah, that."

"Let's look it up in the dictionary. Then you can practice your reading and see how to spell it. Is that okay?"

"Distraction?" Kurt asked.

Burt gave Kurt a wry smile. "You don't let much get by you, do you kiddo? Now, let's look here…" He said and pulled out the dictionary.


	2. Chapter 2

**Title:** Chasing Dreams

**Beta-reader: **onthaedge (lj)

**Artist: **marsmaywander (tumblr)

**Pairing: **Kadam

**Warnings:** suicide attempt and ideation, mentioned non-con towards adults and children, violence, pagan beliefs

**Author's Note: **This story was written for the Kurt Big Bang.

A thousand thanks to my beta and artist for choosing to work with me. It's been amazing. :)

Additionally, I don't own Glee. Never have and never will. If I did, there'd be some changes.

_ooo_

**Chapter Two**

Burt gathered Kurt into his arms as his boy whimpered in his sleep. A few years had passed now, since Kurt had first told him of the visions and Burt cursed the ability he'd unknowingly given his son.

Kurt would tell him of the things he saw. Some of them were fairly innocent. He remembered how wistful Kurt had been when describing a dream of two brothers playing together. Sometimes it would be watching the weather on some distant parts of the globe, where people were trying to get their belongings into safety before the storm hit. Sometimes he'd see people buried under the mud and feel their panic of trying to survive. Those were worse. Still, the worst were when he witnessed the atrocities that humans would inflict on one another – and feel it too.

Burt could still remember the first time that Kurt had woken him up in the middle of the night to cuddle, telling him about how the father of a girl, he knew at school, had raped her for the first time that night.

As soon as he'd gotten Kurt to sleep, he'd given an anonymous call to the police to inform them. It was all over the newspapers the next day. The girl had been put into psychiatric and foster care and Kurt had never seen her again.

At least that time though, Kurt had known the identity of the victim. It was happening more and more often now, that Kurt didn't know the identity. He didn't see anything that could help identify them at all – so there was nothing they could do. Burt wouldn't – couldn't – tell the police that his son was having these visions. They'd either put him in an insane asylum or use him. Burt didn't want that to happen. Kurt wasn't even a pre-teen yet.

Still, the worst thing for Burt was the helplessness. All he could do was watch. Some days, like today, he would wake to the sound of Kurt screaming and do all he could to comfort him, though. He couldn't wake him up. He'd tried before, but it was as if Kurt wasn't actually in his body at that point in time.

He wondered how long Kurt would be able to deal with this. Already Kurt was trying to find ways to deal with it. Sometimes he'd sing, sometimes he'd play the piano. When it got really bad, though, he'd write up what he'd seen and save it in a special directory on their computer that was password protected. When Burt saw Kurt take up drawing outside of school, he knew that something had to be done. The drawings were morbid and dark. Scenes that came directly out of the visions. At first they were fairly obscure, seeing as Kurt wasn't that good at drawing. They quickly grew more and more detailed as time went on. Seeing some of those pictures sent shivers up Burt's spine.

Still, the question remained – what could be done? Burt wanted to protect Kurt more than anything in the world, but he didn't know how. He tried getting sleeping aids, but those did nothing against the visions. Kurt was constantly tired and crabby, afraid to sleep but still sleeping. Burt always felt guilty when he came home from the shop to see that Kurt had made supper for them and was dozing at his place at the table, waiting for Burt to get home.

Burt noted that Kurt had stopped whimpering. Soon after, he felt the flutter of eyelashes opening against the exposed skin of his collar bone. He asked, "What was it this time?"

"Some robbers invaded Miss Peterson's house. The dog tried to stop them, but they killed it. Luckily she was at her lover's tonight, since his wife is out of town.

Burt blinked. "And how do you know that?"

Kurt shrugged sluggishly. "She was thinking about it very loudly in class the other day. She thinks that she can still lure him away from his wife. She doesn't know that his wife is pregnant and just hasn't told her husband yet. Though, to be honest, she's not entirely sure if it's her husband's child or the child of one of her many affairs. They're a good match if you ask me."

Burt frowned and asked dismayed, "What?"

Kurt rolled his eyes. "Mr. Johnston is having an affair with Miss Peterson. Mrs. Johnston is having more than one affair and is pregnant. She's going to pass it off as Mr. Johnston's child, but doesn't really know if it is."

Burt blinked again. "But they just got married last year. And they seem to be happy," he commented, shocked at this new discovery.

Kurt shrugged. "I dunno. Maybe he's having more than one affair too and it's part of their agreement. I just overheard Miss Peterson at school, and Mrs. Johnston at the supermarket."

Burt commented, "You know, Kurt, you're growing up way too fast with these visions. Even I have difficulty wrapping my head around this and for you it's just a matter of fact."

Kurt frowned slightly. "It is a matter of fact. I wouldn't want that for my life. I don't want to have someone who sleeps with other people. But they're happy with it, I guess."

Burt ruffled Kurt's hair. "That's good at least. Keep your own priorities straight. Just because everyone else around you doesn't have their priorities straight doesn't mean you should follow suit."

"You and mom taught me better than that, dad."

Burt rubbed his slowly balding hear, a slightly embarrassed smiled on his lips. "Whatever. It's still early. Do you want to try and sleep some more?"

Kurt nodded. "Yeah. But, dad?"

"Yes, Kurt?"

"Do you think you could stay? I don't want to sleep alone."

Burt smiled softly and slid further onto the bed. "Sure, kid. Anything you need."

"Thanks." Kurt smiled as his breath evened out and Burt felt like crying. Instead, he protectively held his son as sleep took him.

With concern Burt watched as Kurt grew more and more despondent as time passed. He did everything he could think of to help him. On one of the days he stayed home from work sick, he noticed how it seemed to always be worse when Kurt had just gotten home from school. The day he found their lawn furniture nailed to their roof he thought he might understand why. Still, there was unfortunately nothing he could do unless Kurt actually talked to him. Burt waited and waited, but all he heard of from Kurt were the visions and nightmares he had at night.

One day during Kurt's freshman year in high school, Burt was at the shop doing an oil change when he felt a familiar sense of dread come over him. He cleaned his hands and addressed one of his senior workers, Joey, "Hey, Joey. I just remembered that I promised Kurt to pick him up from school today. Could you close down the shop tonight?"

Joey shrugged. "Sure. It's not like you to forget something related to Kurt, though, boss."

"Yeah, well, it was sudden. Thanks for jumping in. If I can, I'll come back, but don't count on it."

"Sure, boss. You can count on me."

Burt didn't even bother to change out of his work clothes. He jumped into his truck and drove home, hoping that Kurt had made it home at least. If not, he'd check everywhere on his usual route home.

Burt sighed in relief when he found the door to the house unlocked. Hopefully that meant he wouldn't have to look very far for Kurt. And, who knows, maybe it wasn't Kurt. Maybe it was someone else who was in trouble. Burt silently promised himself that for Kurt's birthday he was getting him that IPhone he'd been wanting for ages. The shop was doing better all the time, so he could easily afford it.

He went downstairs into Kurt's bedroom and saw a note on the table. With dread he picked it up and read:

_Hi dad_

_I'm so sorry. I tried. I tried so hard to be strong for you. But everywhere I go is hate and dislike. Most of it aimed towards me, because I'm different. I just I can't handle it anymore. Not with the visions on top of that._

_I love you dad. I'm so sorry for leaving you. But it's so painful feeling and hearing everything people are thinking of and feeling for me. I'm sorry to leave you alone. I'm sorry that I'm following in my great-grandmother's footsteps._

_I'm just out of options. I've seen too much, felt too much and heard too much. Anymore of this and I fear I'll go insane. Maybe I already am. Maybe that's why I'm doing this._

_Goodbye dad. I love you._

_Much love_

_Kurt_

Burt stood there staring at the letter for a moment before the contents sunk in. He felt his heart pounding and his throat close up. Still, he knew he couldn't surrender to the feeling. Maybe he was early enough. He knew his son. Kurt cared way too much about his clothes, skin and looks to actually go about one of the ways where his death would be instant. That left ingesting some type of pill, like the various sleeping pills he'd gotten to see if they helped Kurt with the visions. Burt's eyes widened in fear as he came to this realization.

He wrenched open the door to Kurt's ensuite frantically, where Kurt was passed out on the floor. True enough, a bottle of sleeping pills lay empty on the floor next to Kurt's unconscious form. Burt didn't need to check if Kurt was alive. He could still feel him there. He knew that his son was still whole, unlike Elizabeth when he saw her after her death. She'd been so empty afterwards. He picked Kurt and the pill-bottle up and carried them upstairs to the ground floor, where he laid him on the couch and the bottle on the table.

Kurt muttered, "Daddy?" He opened his dilated eyes wearily.

"Yes, Kurt?" Burt patted his cheek.

"I'm sorry for being weak."

"You're the strongest person I know, Kurt. I'm going to call the ambulance, okay? Then they can fix you up."

Kurt slowly shook his head. "Don't wanna."

But struggled not to cry. "I know, kiddo. I know. But I can't let you go. I love you too much, okay?"

"Your love feels nice," Kurt muttered. "So much nicer than hate. Love is warm and hate is so cold. Almost as cold as indifference. School is so cold."

Burt said, "And I'll love you always. Now, hold on for me, okay? So I can continue to give you that love."

"But everything else is so cold."

"I'll get you the iPhone you wanted," Burt pleaded.

Kurt smiled softly. "Doesn't matter now."

Finally Burt just gave up talking to his delirious son and called 911. He told them the medication Kurt had taken and soon enough they had gotten there. Burt went with them in the ambulance, praying to a god he'd long since ceased to believe in, to save his son.

One of the EMTs asked, "You say he was delirious but still responsive when you found him, right?"

Burt nodded. "Yeah."

The EMT inquired further, "When did he stop being responsive altogether?"

Burt swallowed, his voice tightening as he replied, "Shortly before you arrived."

The paramedic replied in a matter-of-fact tone, "That's good."

Burt looked at him aghast and demanded, "How could anything be good right now?"

The EMT shrugged. "He isn't dead. That's good."

Burt snapped, "Excuse me if that isn't all that big of a comfort."

"It never is. There isn't that much we can do until we get to the hospital and can pump his stomach. He isn't critical yet. Usually it takes longer for suicide attempts to be found when they're somewhere that isn't public. The attempter usually tries at a time when he knows no one else is going to be around. "

Burt remained silent.

The EMT shrugged, "If all of the cases I've seen had been found as quickly as this one, I'm sure we'd have a lot less successful suicides around here. Well, as long as they don't go the instant route, like putting a bullet through their heads. Isn't much you can do there except pick up the pieces."

Burt glared at the man. "That does _not_ make me feel better about this."

A female EMT smiled at Burt and told him sadly, "Don't mind him. He's been doing this so long he's become desensitized to a lot of this. Still, he's one of our best and if he thinks you found your son in time, then that means he's probably going to survive."

Suddenly the machines started acting strange. The paramedic Burt had been talking to cursed as he tried to figure out what was going on, while Burt let himself cry for his kid. The emergency team might not recognize what they were seeing, but Burt knew what it was. It was the first time he'd seen it registered on medical machines, but his son had left. Burt silently cursed. Couldn't Kurt get a break from the visions for once?

When they arrived at the hospital, they left Burt in the waiting room while they went to pump Kurt's stomach and try to figure out what the heck was going on with the teenager and why he seemed to be in a coma, when there was no medical reason for it at all and no warning signs.


	3. Chapter 3

**Title:** Chasing Dreams

**Beta-reader: **onthaedge (lj)

**Artist: **marsmaywander (tumblr)

**Pairing: **Kadam

**Warnings:** suicide attempt and ideation, mentioned non-con towards adults and children, violence, pagan beliefs

**Author's Note: **This story was written for the Kurt Big Bang.

A thousand thanks to my beta and artist for choosing to work with me. It's been amazing. :)

Additionally, I don't own Glee. Never have and never will. If I did, there'd be some changes.

_ooo_

**Chapter Three**

Kurt sighed in comfort as he lay down on the grass next to a clear pond. On his other side was a rustic log cabin that always had a warm fire burning. He knew from other times visiting here, that it was very sparsely decorated. There was a queen sized bed, a little cooking unit, a refrigerator, which always held exactly what Kurt wanted, a table, two chairs and a soft couch vis-à-vis the fireplace. Everything was made out of wood except for the cooking unit and the inside of the refrigerator.

Some goldfish and a few other fish Kurt didn't recognize seemed to live in the pond. Despite the pond being so clear and looking very shallow, Kurt knew that it was actually quite deep. He'd once tried to reach the bottom with his hand, but hadn't been able to reach that far.

One of the strange things about this place was the fact that he seemed to never grow older or bigger. He still had the appearance of an eight-year-old. It was as if time stood still here since the time his mother had died.

Kurt stuck a finger into the pond and giggled slightly as a fish occasionally nipped at it. He knew, nothing here would harm him. Nothing here would do anything except give him a sense of peace – something he hardly knew in the real world anymore, other than when he was with his father.

Playing with the fish, Kurt wondered if _he _would come today. He didn't always show up here; only sometimes when Kurt went to sleep early enough. Sometimes he'd only be there for a short while, before he left. Still, even if they rarely spoke, it was nice to have company in this place.

Just as he was thinking that, Kurt noticed another figure stepped out from the woods surrounding the little hut. He wondered if that's what it looked like to _him_ whenever Kurt appeared here. Still, Kurt smiled and removed his finger from the pond. He got up to greet the familiar stranger with wild dark blond hair and blue eyes.

The other boy smiled at Kurt. He said in, what Kurt now knew was a British accent, "Why, you're here early."

Kurt nodded. "Yeah. I don't quite remember why. I think I might have tried to kill myself. I don't think I succeeded though, or I wouldn't be here."

The other boy grew serious. "I'm glad. I would miss you if you were gone."

Kurt scoffed, "But you're not real."

The other boy shrugged and offered Kurt a wry smile. "I used to think that you weren't real either, until I realized that the times we meet up coincide with the overlap of our probable sleep schedule. That is, on the days you show up and I'm here. My dream is to find you in real life, so I can finally tell you my name."

Kurt smiled. They'd tried introducing themselves when they'd first met, but hadn't been able to speak their names. In the end, they just let it be. He replied, "I wish you would. Find me, that is. Everything here is so peaceful and calm. Back in the real world… it just hurts so much. Everyone hates me, dislikes me or doesn't give a damn about me. Everyone other than my family, that is."

_He _spoke earnestly, "You have to stay strong. If you die, then how can I find you? I'd never know. I'd just keep on searching for you."

Kurt felt the warmth of this place seep through him, washing away all the negative feelings he'd been developing. It was impossible to be unhappy here. He should have known better. "I'm sorry."

"Please tell me, why does everyone hate you?" _he_ begged.

Kurt looked away. "Because I'm gay."

The other boy frowned and asked, confused, "I am too. And certainly, there are people who frown on it. But they're far and between."

"Then you're lucky," Kurt spat. "They treat me like I have the plague or something similar. Don't touch the fag, he might turn you into a fairy with the pixie dust and rainbows that he throws around everywhere he goes."

The other boy frowned and furrowed his brow. "Why would they call you a cigarette? That doesn't make sense."

Kurt giggled and swatted the other boy. "I'll have to use that retort sometime. In America it's a derogatory term for someone who's gay," Kurt explained with a grimace.

_He _continued, "Additionally, haven't they figure out yet that being homosexual is just as contagious as being transsexual is – namely not at all? It isn't a sickness."

Kurt rolled his eyes. "They're not the most intelligent. As a matter of fact, I'd go as far as to call them Neanderthals."

"You do know that Neanderthals had larger brains than we do, don't you?"

"I can't exactly call them Homo Errectus to their faces. They'd think that I meant that they'd had a homosexually inclined erection or something as silly as that."

"Then tell them that they're obviously stuck in the Paleolithic era and they should stick to knocking two rocks together to make fire, rather than pick on you. If they want to enter the Neolithic, then they have to learn how to function as a society. Something they've obviously not learned, since they're still picking on you, a member of society. They shouldn't pick on you, they should band together with you against outsiders."

Kurt sighed and smiled sadly. "Except that in this case, _I'm_ the outsider they're banding together against."

_He _insisted, "Then just tell them to leave the Stone Age behind and enter the modern era. One day they'll be working for you anyways. That's what you always say, right?"

Kurt smiled. "Thank you."

The other boy softly caressed Kurt's cheek. "No problem at all." He leaned forwards to rub his nose against Kurt's as they'd been doing for the past few years. He drew back again and looked into Kurt's eyes. "You know, if you didn't look like a kid here, I'd totally kiss you."

Kurt scowled. "I'm fifteen."

_He_ shrugged. "I'm eighteen. So it's still not allowed. Besides, I'd prefer our first kiss to happen in real life – not here."

"You promise you'll find me? And you will kiss me?" Kurt implored.

The blond boy turned a lopsided smile on Kurt. "I promise. I'm going to university in the States. So that's a step in the right direction."

"What universities?"

"In…" the boy paused, trying to move his mouth, but finding himself unable to.

Kurt gave him a small smile. "I guess we'll have to figure out a way around that. Personally, I've always dreamed of New York. I don't know if I'll get there though. At this point I don't really know if I'll survive to graduate. If things get much worse…" Kurt looked to the ground.

"Think of me."

Kurt looked up. "What?"

"If things get worse, come here and think of me. I'll try to respond. Somehow I can usually tell when you're calling me here. And next year I'll be in a different time zone. We won't have to rely on the few hours that we have at night when we see each other. We'll have more."

Kurt giggled. "That would be nice. More time together in our own little Never Never Land. So, are we kinda dating now?"

The older boy shrugged. "I dunno. I don't think so. I think it's more like a promise to date whenever we find each other. To be honest, there's a high chance I won't find you. I wouldn't want to take away the chance for you to date because you think you have to stay true to me."

"Will you pinky swear with me to date me once you find me?" Kurt asked innocently.

The blond headed boy nodded and linked his pinky with Kurt's. "I swear." He smiled cheerfully. "That's the easiest thing I ever swore to. I simply can't imagine ever finding anyone as interesting as you, to date and fall in love with. I'm pretty sure that once I find you, you'll be the only one I'll ever want."

Kurt smiled. "Same here. Cuddle?" He held out his arms.

"By the fire?"

"Sure."

"I'd love to." The other boy picked Kurt up and carried him into the hut, where there was two cups of steaming hot chocolate with marshmallows sitting on table. A nice warm and fluffy crimson blanket was spread out over the couch. The boys picked up their hot chocolate and cocooned themselves together in the blanket on the couch.

Kurt said, "Have you ever wondered what it would be like to stay here together forever and never wake up? To never have to face the hatred of the homophobes – or anything really – of the outside world? Wouldn't that be nice? To just stay here together forever?"

"Yeah, but then I think about all the things I'd miss: my family, my friends, growing up, going to college, starring in a production on West End. Here I'll always be the same twelve-year-old kid I was when I got my kidney transplant. I couldn't put my parents through a scare like that again. They almost lost me then – can't imagine what they'd do if they lost me for good now. It's all I could do to make them agree to let me go to university in the States, when there's a perfectly good musical college in England. They still forced me to audition for it. I got in too. But I still chose the one in the States."

"But, isn't that one in England one of the best schools for musical theater in the world? How could you choose one here over that?"

"If I stay in England, then it's that much less likely that I'll find you."

Kurt blushed.

_He _smiled softly as he insisted, "I'm serious. And… if we stay here together forever I'll never be able to kiss you without feeling like a pervert, because you look like you're eight years old."

Kurt frowned. "I really do want that, you know. Would a single kiss really hurt?"

_He _shook his head. "I want it too. So much. But we can't. I love you, my strange dream companion. And it's really all about who you are inside. That's what I love. I mean, sure, you were a cute eight year old. But I can't… I can't find myself attracted to that. When I imagine what you might look like now, when I age your feature's in my mind, then I see that you're going to be an attractive man someday. But like this?"

Kurt sighed and pouted. "You know, I want to grow older here too. I'm still the same age I was when I watched my mother die."

_He _asked, surprised, "You were there when your mum died?"

Kurt rolled his eyes. "No, I wasn't there, silly. I had a vision of it. I felt it too, as the branch went through her head. The instant before she died, she was in so much pain. It's a really painful, if short way to die. I never want to die like that."

Solemnly, the other boy asked, "How do you want to die?"

Kurt smiled somewhat wistfully, "Painlessly. Preferably in my sleep. I spend too much time on my appearance to accept any other way to die. I want to look as pretty in death as I did in life, so people can comment on how it looks like I'm sleeping. I want to be a pretty dead body."

_He _quipped, "I doubt you could be anything but a pretty body, unless your body was torn to shreds or hacked to pieces by a psychopathic serial killer or a machine."

Kurt raised an eyebrow. "Thanks for the lovely visuals."

The boy chirped back, "Anytime."

Kurt frowned. "I don't want to leave here. You can come and go, but I'll stay here until you find me. That way I won't have to bother with serial killers, bullies, visions and whatnot."

"Isn't there anything you'll miss?"

Kurt paused for a moment before responding, "My dad. And fashion. I can't look through the newest Vogue magazine here."

"Isn't that worth going back to?"

Kurt shook his head. "It isn't worth everything else. I mean, you reach a certain point where living is more work and so painful that you just have to get out. I know. I was there."

_His_ voice rose slightly, "So, you're going to just give up and wait for me?"

Kurt nodded. "Yeah."

_He _paused a moment to take a deep breath and let it out, reigning in the frustration _he_ felt. "You're going to give those bullies the satisfaction of knowing that they were able to get rid of you? You're going to just let them win? I thought you were stronger than that."

Kurt bit his lip and looked away. "I… guess?"

_He_ turned Kurt's face to look at him again, though Kurt still avoided eye-contact. "You know, nothing's going to change. They'll just do it again to the next gay kid that goes to that school – or maybe a kid that isn't gay, just different. The kid could be a lesbian, transsexual, bisexual, intersexual – they could be a kid who grew up with New Age beliefs or a Buddhist. The only thing that matters is that they're a minority. Do you really want to give them the message that behavior like that is acceptable? That they can get away with it and get rid of their problems by letting them kill themselves? As long as no one teaches them a lesson and forces them to listen to it, things will stay the same. If those kids follow the same path as you chose, our society will end up overflowing with jocks and idiots without enough intelligent people to survive in this day and age."

Kurt sniffed. "I didn't think about it like that. I still can't go back, though. They'll all be talking about my attempted suicide. They'll all be thinking about how I was such a big failure that I couldn't even do that right. I'll be a laughing stock and I won't even be able to ignore it because I'll hear all their thoughts in my head."

"Speaking of which, I've been meaning to ask; did you have your abilities all your life?" _he _asked changing the subject.

Kurt felt relief flood him as he nodded. "Yeah. Ever since I can remember. Why?"

"I didn't. It only showed up about the age I appear here."

"Maybe you got it from whoever gave you your kidney."

"Nah, that can't be it. Maybe I'm just a late bloomer."

"Does anyone else in your family have it?"

"Well, no. Not as far as I know at least…"

Kurt insisted, "In my family it's hereditary. So, my bet is that it is from the person who gave you that kidney."

_He _frowned slightly. "I don't know. I've heard about things like that happening with hearts, but never with kidneys."

Kurt shrugged. "Whatever. I, for one, am glad it happened. If it hadn't, I don't think we'd be meeting here."

The pre-teen sighed. "I wish people didn't have to think so loudly though or have so many feelings. It gets really distracting when you're not on stage and feeding off those emotions."

Kurt smiled wryly. "I never noticed that. I'm not really on stage enough for that."

"Isn't there a theater or something you can participate in school? Or something music related?"

"We have a Glee Club, but… let's just say that I don't trust the guy who leads it to keep his hands to himself behind closed doors. The thoughts that run through his head…" Kurt shivered. "Unlike you, he actually _is_ a pedophile. And he finds me attractive. So I try and avoid him."

_He_ nodded. "Makes sense."

Kurt pouted. "I still want you to kiss me. I want to share my first kiss with you."

"It won't be real."

"I don't care. Please," Kurt begged.

The other boy bit his lip. "Okay." Kurt smiled. "On one condition."

Kurt asked, "What?"

"You live."

Kurt blinked. "Huh? I live?"

The blond nodded. "Yes. You leave here and just come back occasionally, like we have in the past. You don't hurt yourself, you don't try to kill yourself. You survive and you live."

"Do I have to?" Kurt whined.

_He_ nodded again. "Yes. If you don't promise, I won't kiss you. I need a guarantee that you'll try to find me as readily as I'm going to try and find you."

Kurt frowned. "Fine. I promise. I'll live and look for you as well."

The older boy smiled. "Good. I look forward to it." He pulled the empty cup of hot chocolate out of Kurt's hands and placed it on the floor off to the side along with his own.

Kurt looked up at him, his cheeks burning. His stomach felt like it was full of butterflies as he smiled nervously.

The blond gently stroked Kurt's jaw. "It's okay. Just trust me."

Kurt watched as the other boy closed his eyes and leaned in. As their lips met, Kurt felt a sensation of warmth pass through and envelop him. His eyes closed as well as he felt the love from both of them mingle and grow. Even though it was very simple and chaste – a simple press of lips on his own – he felt as their connection seemed to grow and thrive.

As the kiss came to a natural closure, Kurt leaned back and blinked. Simultaneously they uttered, "Wow…" Kurt giggled.

The blond continued, "I have to admit, I've kissed boys before. But it never felt like that. It was… it was…"

"Almost as if we were slowly becoming one emotionally," Kurt finished breathlessly.

"Yeah. You know, even if I feel like a pedophile for asking – can we do that again?"

Kurt nodded eagerly. "Yeah."

"Do you believe in soulmates?" _he_ asked suddenly.

Kurt shook his head. "I don't believe in God, let alone fate."

With a half-smile the boy commented, "Well, I never believed in them before. But now… Now I think I'm reconsidering. I'm thinking the two of us may very well be soul-mates."

Kurt rolled his eyes and responded stiffly, "Or it's a byproduct of us both being empaths."

_He _rolled his eyes. "Always so logical. Where is the logic of this place? Of us meeting here? What is the probability? Maybe it's time to just believe."

Kurt let himself relax and smiled. "Maybe. If anything led me to believe in soul-mates, it would be this."

_He_ brushed Kurt's cheek with his thumb softly. "Then just let yourself believe and stop caring about the logic. Accept the fact that this thing between us – whatever it is – simply doesn't follow logic."

Kurt smile softened. "I think I'm starting to believe."

The blond smiled warmly and kissed Kurt again.

_ooo_

They chatted, cuddled and exchanged innocent kisses until it was time for the other boy to wake up. Kurt decided that it was time to make good on his promise as well and wake up too. Reluctantly he let go of his hold on the place in order to return to the land of the living.


	4. Chapter 4

**Title:** Chasing Dreams

**Beta-reader: **onthaedge (lj)

**Artist: **marsmaywander (tumblr)

**Pairing: **Kadam

**Warnings:** suicide attempt and ideation, mentioned non-con towards adults and children, violence, pagan beliefs

**Author's Note: **This story was written for the Kurt Big Bang.

A thousand thanks to my beta and artist for choosing to work with me. It's been amazing. :)

Additionally, I don't own Glee. Never have and never will. If I did, there'd be some changes.

_ooo_

**Chapter Four**

The first thing Kurt noticed, when his consciousness returned to his body, was the beeping of a heart monitor. The second was the sound of snoring.

Kurt opened his eyes and noted that it was dark. He noticed a glowing monitor next to him that had lots of squiggly lines. He idly wondered what each of them were for.

He also noticed some wires attached to his head, a clip on his thumb, an IV port that fed into the inside of his left elbow. There was something funny attached to his nose that was giving him really dry air. There was also something odd and decidedly uncomfortable in his nether regions. His brain was muddled slightly from returning to his body, and he tried to knock away the thing with the dry air with his free right hand. A split second after he raised it to do that, he realized that there had been a hand covering his own - probably from whomever the snores were coming from.

The snores abruptly stopped. He heard his father say, "Hey, Kurt, don't worry about the nose thing. It's just giving you oxygen. You've been in a coma for the past few hours."

Kurt blinked in the dim lighting. "Huh? Not coma. Home."

Burt shook his head. "No, Kurt, you were here the entire time."

Kurt shook his head sluggishly as well. "No. Safe place. 'Member great gra'ma."

Burt nodded in understanding. "Just so you know, I tried to call your school but no one was around anymore. I'll call them again later today."

Kurt shook his head. "No. Don't tell."

"Kurt," Burt said patiently, "I have to tell them why you're missing school."

"Tell 'em sick. I'm sick."

Burt frowned. "But, Kurt, they should know in case…"

Kurt insisted, "No. Don't want to hear them thinking about it. Not the teachers; not the students. Thoughts, emotions - hurt."

Burt closed his eyes before whispering, "Your empathy has been giving you problems?"

Kurt nodded.

"Is that why you…?"

"Main reason. Visions too. Watched teenage mom, who hid her pregnancy, kill her baby during lunch."

"Where was it?"

Kurt shrugged. "Dunno."

"What did she look like?"

Kurt shrugged again. "I don't know. Saw through her eyes and felt what she was feeling. So much hate and love. So painful. She wanted an abortion, but couldn't afford it. She hated herself."

"So you hated yourself too?"

Kurt shook his head. "I… I… no, I… I just… I couldn't handle the pain anymore. Couldn't handle the bullies, the things they think about me, the emotions they project at me – it's so loud. In addition her self-hate… it was too much. Can't I ever get a break, daddy?" Kurt asked, as tears began to trickle down his face. "Why does the world hate me?"

Burt bit his lip and took his hat off to bend its brim into a better shape. "Because you're special, Kurt. And, the world doesn't hate you. I'm part of the world and I love you. You're still my little boy. I'll always love you no matter what, okay? Don't ever try something like this again, okay? I… I don't know what I'd do if you were gone. I'm not sure I could find the will to pull through. You needing me is what kept me sane after your mom died. If you were gone… I can't bear to even think about it."

"Oh, dad," Kurt sniffled. "I'm sorry."

Burt shook his head. "No, I'm sorry. I should have noticed something. I should have done something. I failed you, Kurt. Forgive me."

Kurt shook his head as well. "It wasn't your fault."

Burt's anger at himself flared and Kurt flinched slightly, causing Burt to forcibly calm himself down again. "Like hell it wasn't! I noticed that things weren't right. But I let you brush it off. I kept telling myself that you'd talk to me if things got bad enough. I let things slip. And now… god, Kurt, if I weren't psychic… I would have lost you."

Kurt's eyes grew wide. "You felt it? Like mom?"

Burt's voice grew gruff. "You bet I did. I left to find you right away. I just… I can't deal with this shit."

"Dad, don't swear!" Kurt admonished.

Burt chuckled mirthlessly. "You sound just like your mother when you say that."

"Really?" Kurt's eyes grew hopeful.

Burt nodded. "Yeah, she'd always scold me for cursing in front of you. You picked that up from her too. I have to admit, though, that it almost had me in stitches when you, as a two-year-old stood there imitating your mother's posture and echoing her words. At the time you were still having difficulties pronouncing the words. Not that you cared about that. Sometimes it was all I could do to make sense of what you were talking about – especially when you were talking a mile a minute. Boy, when you started talking, you started _talking_."

Kurt closed his eyes and sighed wistfully. "I wish I remembered her better. The clearest memory I have of her is of the crash."

Burt awkwardly patted Kurt on his shoulder. "We have a few videos of you that we took with a camcorder her folks gave her at the baby shower. It'll be painful watching them – but I think I can bear it for you."

"Thanks dad… so… what happens now?"

"Now you'll be on seventy-two hour suicide watch. They'll try to get you to talk to one of the psychiatrists they have here."

Kurt shook his head, panicking slightly. "But dad, I can't talk to her. She won't understand."

Burt nodded and patted his son's hand. "I know. I'm going to contact an old friend who went into psychiatry and psychotherapy. She purposefully got both the degrees, so that her patients wouldn't have to go to more than one doctor. She… she knows about us. You know; us psychics. She was there once when my grandma was visiting and had a vision. She told my friend that her mother had just stepped on a skateboard left lying around by her little brother. She'd fallen down the stairs and was unconscious. My friend was shocked but ran back home to find that it was true. She called the ambulance and they came to pick up her mom. After that, we swore her to secrecy. She said that that was the day she decided to become a psychiatrist and psychotherapist – for us. She knew that if push came to shove that we wouldn't have anyone we could go to. And she wanted to be there just in case."

Kurt asked suspiciously, "Why haven't you told me about her before?"

Burt scratched the nape of his neck. "She and I had a bit of a falling out about a decade ago. She also doesn't live around the block. She lives in Toledo."

Kurt pursed his lips and raised an eyebrow. He chastised, "That's only an hour and a half away, dad."

Burt awkwardly continued, "Yeah, but, still. As I said, we had a falling out. I said things I shouldn't have, she said things she shouldn't have and we never actually got around to apologizing. Additionally, she never really got over the fact that I chose your mom over her."

Kurt blinked. "Oh. Okay… and you're sure she'll want to see me?"

Burt nodded. "I still have her number. I kept it just in case. I called her while you were… gone… she's canceled all her appointments tomorrow to come here and take over your case."

Kurt blinked again. "What? Why…? How come…?"

"She gave me a nice long tongue lashing on the phone for taking so long to call her – especially since things obviously got bad enough to end up here." Burt vaguely gestured at the dimly lit hospital room. "But… you're exactly the type of person she chose her career path for. There's no way she'd ever turn you down. And, even if you are your mother's son, you're also mine."

Kurt looked at his father hopefully. "And I can actually talk to her? About everything?"

Burt nodded. "Yes, Kurt. I'm sorry, I should have called her earlier."

Kurt bunched up the hospital sheets as his hands grew to fists while holding them. "You didn't know. I tried to handle it on my own. I tried so hard. I didn't want to burden you anymore. I know you've been struggling."

"You know, Kurt, I can send you to another school. Just say the word."

Kurt shook his head. "It would be the same thing there."

"A private school?"

Kurt looked at his father desolately. "You know we can't afford that, dad."

Burt insisted, "I'm sure the family would pitch in if I told them…"

Kurt shook his head sadly, "No, dad. We can't. If mom was still here, and working, then maybe. But I know the numbers from the shop as well if not better than you, dad. You can't afford to send me somewhere that expensive. And I'll be fine. I've got you, I'll have this old friend of yours to talk to, I'll have our family – and I'll have _him._"

Burt asked suspiciously, "Who's this 'him'?"

Kurt blushed slightly. "I've been meeting him off and on in my safe house. Sometimes he comes there as well. He convinced me to come back."

Burt smiled softly. "Then I'm forever in his debt."

Kurt smiled at his father warmly, his whole body sang with the love and care from his father. Maybe he could tell his father….

_ooo_

The door opened with the nurse, who noticed that Kurt was awake. She scolded his father for not having summoned them right away and went off to fetch the doctor. The next few hours were a flurry of movement, questions and tests performed by the doctors. They went over his EEG results and couldn't figure out how Kurt could go from practically brain dead to fully conscious in just a few moments. They were muttering about having the machine tested by one of their technicians.

By the time the flurry of activity had died down, the moment between Kurt and his father had passed. Kurt was given some light sleep medication to help him rest and Burt was sent home.

Thankfully, when Kurt dreamt that night, it was one of the more peaceful visions. He watched through an older brother's eyes as he chatted and teased his younger siblings during breakfast. It took Kurt a while before he realized that one of the boys looked very similar to _him_. A sudden onslaught of affection rushed through Kurt as he realized that maybe, just maybe, he was actually seeing through _his_ eyes this time.

Kurt was excited when he noticed him get up and approach a mirror. Maybe he'd finally see him. See what he looked like grown-up.

Unfortunately, the mirror didn't have a reflection for him and he inwardly sighed in disappointment. It would have been too good to be true.


	5. Chapter 5

**Title:** Chasing Dreams

**Beta-reader: **onthaedge (lj)

**Artist: **marsmaywander (tumblr)

**Pairing: **Kadam

**Warnings:** suicide attempt and ideation, mentioned non-con towards adults and children, violence, pagan beliefs

**Author's Note: **This story was written for the Kurt Big Bang.

A thousand thanks to my beta and artist for choosing to work with me. It's been amazing. :)

Additionally, I don't own Glee. Never have and never will. If I did, there'd be some changes.

_ooo_

**Chapter Five**

Kurt sighed as he dangled his feet into the cold water of Lake Erie. He was at his weekend visit to Eliza up in Toledo. His father would busy himself, as always, leaving Kurt and Eliza to talk.

That day, Eliza had brought Kurt down to Lake Erie. It was a fairly warm spring day, but the lake was still way too cold to attract lots of visitors. So they had plenty of privacy, sitting on one of the docks off of a summer house that belonged to a friend of Eliza's.

Kurt looked over and saw her roll up her trousers to dip her toes in as well. The sunlight hit her wavy auburn hair, making it light up like a reddish halo around her roundish face. Her clear blue eyes were close to the color of the sky. If he had been interested in women, Kurt was sure that he'd have found her attractive. As it was, he wasn't sure how his father had been able to choose between her and his mother and had never dared to ask.

She smiled at him and pulled out her notebook. "So, Kurt, how have you been doing this week?"

Kurt shrugged and answered neutrally, "Okay."

"How are things at school?"

Kurt answered morosely, his eyes downcast, "Everyone either hates me or doesn't give a damn about me. The weirdest rumors were flying around about what I was home sick with so long, but only a few of them actually were close to the truth. And those weren't stated out loud."

"Do you still think that it's better that they don't know?"

Kurt nodded. "Yeah. It would be a nightmare if they knew. I already have Jacob Israel hounding me trying to get the true story out of me."

"You know, often people attempt suicide as a last-resort cry for help. They don't actually want to die. Don't you think it would be better if your teachers at least knew, so they could watch out for you?"

Kurt shook his head. "It wasn't, in my case. I just wanted everything to stop. The visions, the mid-reading, the empathy… and I know it won't. As long as I'm alive it'll be there. It'll never go away. If I survive that long, I'm never having kids. I don't want to pass this curse on to them."

"You will survive, Kurt."

He shook his head. "I can't promise. _He_'s the only reason I'm here and didn't stay in my coma."

"Your knight-in-shining-armor from England?"

Kurt blushed slightly and drew circles in the water with his toe. "Or something."

"Why haven't you given him a name? It's been about seven and a half years since you've been meeting and talking."

Kurt frowned, "I can't give him a name that isn't his."

"What about a nickname then?"

"A nickname?" Kurt snorted. "What would I call him? Dream-Lover? That is so many levels of cliché."

"What about 'Adam'?"

"Why Adam?"

"Because, he's the first man in your life."

Kurt snorted. "Isn't that a little too religious? I'm an atheist."

"Well, if you wanted, you could try calling him Homo Errectus, but somehow I doubt you want to associate him with something prehistoric like that."

Kurt huffed. "Word associations like that are reserved for the Neanderthals at school. Not for _him_. He's better than them."

"Then why not call him by the name of the first human? Your own personal Adam. You don't have to be religious to pick up an idea from them."

"But… what if it's wrong? What if I get used to calling him that and when I finally do meet him, I can't stop calling him that instead of his real name?"

Eliza patted him on the shoulder. "From what you've told me about him, I don't think he'd really mind that much. However, if it makes you feel better about it, you can talk to him about it next time you meet. That way you'll know for certain."

Kurt paused to think before nodding slowly. "I suppose it wouldn't hurt."

"Now, tell me what visions you've had the past week or so."

Kurt smiled. "Well, I think I had another vision through his eyes on Sunday. He was in church and bored to death. So, while his parents weren't looking, he'd secretly play cards with his little brother and sister, helping to keep them entertained as well. It was kinda cute."

"That is sweet. What else?"

Kurt bit his lip. "I saw through the eyes of a serial killer as he cut up a woman, saving only one of her feet, which he embalmed and put on display with several other female feet. That was disturbing."

"How did you feel when you were watching it and when you woke up?"

Kurt gulped. "When I was watching it, I enjoyed it. I felt his emotions and they swallowed my own – they almost always do. When I woke up, I threw up. It was horrifying to watch that and enjoy it. I don't understand… how could you enjoy doing that to another person?"

Eliza smiled wryly, "I don't think we'll ever completely understand serial killers. They all have a different reason for what they do, Kurt. Some are trying to get revenge for something out of their childhood. Some just want to inflict pain on others. Maybe this guy has a foot and amputation fetish that just went too far. Did he jerk off on the body?"

Kurt shook his head. "No, he raped her while he was still cutting her apart. She was still alive and conscious and screaming through the gag he put on her. I think she might have been a prostitute with the way she was dressed – or what was left of her clothes anyway."

"Have you ever thought about helping out the police or FBI with the information you receive in your dreams?"

Kurt shook his head. "My dad has called a few times on an untraceable line when I see through the victim's eyes or recognize the victim. But what would the officials think? They'd think that I was insane and lock me away instead. Or they'd figure out I was right and use me or experiment on me. I don't want that."

"My husband is an FBI agent, you know, Kurt. He's told me about some strange stuff he's dealt with – including psychics. Once or twice he's gotten tips from them that helped him solve the case he was working on. He never seeks them out though."

"So, you think…"

She insisted, "I won't tell you to do anything, Kurt. But the option is there. It might be that you don't even realize that you saw something of importance to the case. If nothing else, then he knows what questions to ask to get all the information that might be relevant."

Kurt hesitated. "I don't know… my dad said…"

"Kurt, you're old enough to think for yourself now. You don't have to always follow through on what your dad told you. He isn't always right, you know."

Kurt hesitated again before asking, "What was it that you two fought over?"

"You."

Kurt blinked. "Me?"

She rolled her eyes. "Your father wouldn't let me talk to you as a psychiatrist. I'm your godmother, you know, and he wanted us to keep that relationship. I saw that something was bothering you though, when you'd woken up from a nap. So I confronted you on it. Just when I was making headway in getting you to talk, your father barged in and got upset at me because you were crying. I tried to explain but then he got angry at me for treating you just like one of my patients, when you were hardly more than a toddler. Shows him what he knows."

"Oh." Kurt took a moment to digest the information. "And when he realized he was overreacting he had his pride involved and couldn't fess up to it."

"Yep. Typical man." She rolled her eyes. "I didn't actually expect to hear from him again. I sure as heck hoped he'd never need me."

Kurt insisted, "He said you were also jealous of my mom."

She tilted her head back and forth. "Well, kinda. He and I were childhood sweethearts, you could say. We grew up together because our fathers were best friends. Everyone expected us to get together. We did too, in our freshman year of high school – when we were your age. Then your mother's family moved into town the next year. They moved into the house next to where your father lived. It was love at first sight. As he later explained to me, the moment he met her, he knew that she was going to be the mother of his children. So he dumped me for her. And, yeah, sure I was upset. Find a girl who wouldn't be. Granted, he could have been meaner about it. He could have waited to break up with me until he knew she was interested. Instead, he broke up with me so he could pursue her. Try explaining that to a teenager though. I hated your mother with a passion until she and I were alone together and out of the blue she just apologized to me."

"Why?"

She shrugged. "She said that she felt my pain. She told me she would wait for me to be over him and give her permission to date him. At that moment – I couldn't hate her. From scanning my thoughts, she knew that I knew about psychics. She offered to try and change your father's feelings back into love for me. I couldn't agree to that though. Not when I saw the yearning on her face for him. She was the most selfless and loving person I'd ever met – and I knew that if there was anyone else who was worthy of him – it was her. So I let go of him and gave her permission. It hurt so much. She was so careful not to rub it in my face, always toning it down when I was around. I grew to love her in a way over time, even if I never fell out of love with your father."

"You still love him?"

Eliza nodded. "Yeah. He was my first love. I mean, I'm happy and I love my husband. I'd never try to take her place – even though she's dead now. Even if your father were ready to try dating again and I wasn't married – we could never make it work. Her shadow would always be looming between us."

Kurt asked, slightly hopeful, "You said that she offered to try and change my dad's feelings. Is that even possible? Could I make people at school hate me less?"

She sighed and shrugged. "I'm not sure. Your mom never talked about it after that. But I have the feeling that that would be frowned on. You'd be manipulating people to your will; forcing your will on them. I know for certain that your mother would have never done that for herself though. So don't go trying, okay?"

Kurt nodded. "I guess that makes sense. I just wish they were less homophobic. More accepting."

"So, you're gay?"

"I didn't say that…" Kurt looked away from her.

"But you are?"

Kurt nodded minutely. "I haven't told my dad yet though – or anyone at school. But they all think it. And they all bully me for it. What's the use in coming out if everyone leaps to their own conclusions?"

She patted his shoulder and gave him an earnest look. "Your dad will support and love you no matter what. And the point of coming out is being true to yourself. You don't come out for other people – you come out for yourself. To be able to stand tall and be proud of yourself."

Kurt bit his lip. "I don't think I'm ready for that though."

"Then you aren't. There's no hurry. No hurry at all. As long as you don't start lying to yourself about it, you'll be fine."

Kurt frowned. "Lying to myself?"

"Pretending to be straight. Telling yourself that you are straight and that being gay is just something you imagined or because people pushed you into the role."

Kurt looked slightly aghast. "People think like that?"

"A lot of people don't want to accept their orientation, so they make up excuses. If it gets bad enough, they'll try to eliminate the cause of their confusion. To them, that might seem easier than redefining themselves. People will do a lot of strange things to escape the truth, Kurt."

"Oh. I don't get it."

She gave him a half-smile. "I hope you never do."

There were a few moments of silence before she continued, "So, back to our earlier discussion, now that you've had a chance to recover, what else have you seen?"

"I had a nightmare of my mom dying again. I still remember the pain she felt in the short time it took her to die. I remember what it felt for her to lose control over the car. I remember it better than any of my other visions – including the other ones I've had of dying in someone else's body. Why?"

"Because she was special to you and you love her."

"But I want to forget that. I want to remember her when she was alive, not dying."

"I know you do, Kurt, but unfortunately, that isn't the way the mind works sometimes. Tell me the one thing you don't want to forget about it."

"Her last thoughts were of us – dad and me – and how much she loved us. She was so sad that I was going to grow up without her."

"And that's why you'll never really want to forget it. Because it reminds you how much she loved you."

Kurt smiled sadly. "Yeah, she did."

"So, I think our session for the day is over. Do you want to come home with me and talk to my husband? His name is Jacob, but most people call him Jake, Agent McLaughlin or dad."

"How are the kids doing?"

"As rambunctious as ever. Little Simon is still getting into trouble right and left. I get calls from the kindergarten teacher almost every other day, but he still hangs onto his older sister's every word like it's the word of god. Julie, on the other hand, is starting to go into her pre-teens. She'd love to talk to you about fashion. I can ask your dad over and he can talk to Jake. That way he can assure you that it's okay to talk to him."

Kurt smiled. "I'd like that. Not that I don't trust you," he backpedaled, "but…"

"Your dad has been looking out for you thus far; I don't see why you can't let him take care of you a little while longer. Keep in mind, though, that you won't always have him to help you make decisions. I'll let your father give his input, but you make the final one. How does that sound?"

Kurt smiled widened slightly. "Sounds great."


	6. Chapter 6

**Title:** Chasing Dreams

**Beta-reader: **onthaedge (lj)

**Artist: **marsmaywander (tumblr)

**Pairing: **Kadam

**Warnings:** suicide attempt and ideation, mentioned non-con towards adults and children, violence, pagan beliefs

**Author's Note: **This story was written for the Kurt Big Bang.

A thousand thanks to my beta and artist for choosing to work with me. It's been amazing. :)

Additionally, I don't own Glee. Never have and never will. If I did, there'd be some changes.

_ooo_

**Chapter Six**

Kurt toyed with the pencil on the paper, not quite sure what to draw. Their new cordless phone was clenched between the side of his head and his shoulder. He was on the phone with Eliza's husband, Jake. Kurt whined, "But Jake… I don't remember…"

Jake insisted, "I know you don't, but it's important. You said there was a window. What was outside?"

Kurt shrugged, almost dislodging the phone. "Trees?"

"More detail. What trees?"

"Fur trees?" Kurt guessed.

"No, Kurt, they were Cedar trees."

Kurt grumbled. "If you already know, then why are you asking me?"

"To help you improve your observational skills, Kurt, so you'll be able to get more information out of a vision."

Kurt groaned. "But I don't want to. And I can't look anywhere the people there don't look anyways. And I don't want to relive them again. Being a victim really hurts. And I feel really dirty when I'm in the mind of the perpetrator."

"But you want us to be able to catch the perpetrator, don't you?"

"Well, yeah, but…"

"There's no ifs or buts about it. Either you do or you don't."

Kurt retorted, slightly frustrated. "Of course I do! I just… it would be so much easier if I just saw things and didn't feel them."

Jake's voice grew softer, "I know, Kurt. But there's nothing we can do about it. We can just make the best of what we're given. Now, tell me again, what was outside the window in our house?"

"Cedar trees."

"And what else?"

Kurt turned back his mind to remember. "There was an oak tree too. A swing hung from one of its branches. Simon was swinging on it with the help of Julie."

"Good. Continue."

"Eliza has a nice garden that you can see parts of from the angle I was at. The produce wasn't ripe yet. The tomatoes had begun to grow, but weren't their full size nor had they turned red yet."

"Yes, she finds working out there to be very relaxing. What were your father and I talking about at the time?"

"Football."

"What teams?"

"How should I know? I can't keep those straight on a _good_ day. All I know is that he likes the Buckeyes. Can we stop now?"

Kurt heard Jake sigh on the phone. "Sure. We'll pick it up another time. So, tell me, have you had any visions lately that I might have to investigate?"

Kurt replied, "The guy with the foot fetish struck again. He hasn't killed his victim yet, but it's a male teenager this time. He's a little effeminate though and his toenails were painted rainbow colored. He was just missing the purple for it to be a pride symbol, though that was probably because he didn't have enough toes. It was obvious, though, that he takes good care of his feet. He was wearing flip flops, so the guy was able to see his feet well. The first thing that attracted him were the colorful toenails. At first he was reluctant because he was male, but that didn't hold him back very long. Tonight I'll probably be dreaming of the murder."

"Tell me, what did the boy look like?"

"He has a slightly longish face with brown eyes and mousy brown hair. He's pretty ordinary looking, if a little on the pale side. My guess is that he's gay – if nothing else than because of his nails."

"Let me look through our files of missing people. How old would you guess he is?"

"He looked about my age, maybe a year or two older."

"What was he wearing?"

"Some kind of uniform, I think. He couldn't have willingly been wearing that getup. It looked pretty awful on him. The blazer didn't flatter him at all. It was navy blue with red piping over a white dress shirt and a candy-cane striped tie – again navy blue and red. His slacks were gray. The sandals didn't really fit to the outfit."

"That's the Dalton uniform you're describing. It's a private school in Westerville. A lot of people who can afford it send their children there for the excellent education and protection. If one of their students is missing Dalton will be up in arms about it. They'll be more than willing to cooperate with finding him. Did you see anything more about the car our perp is driving?"

Kurt closed his eyes. "No. The only addition is that he has green fuzzy dice with pictures from Monsters Inc. hanging on his mirror now."

"How long did he have to drive to get from his house to where he snatched the boy or vice versa?"

Kurt thought it over a moment, drawing a few more lines on the paper in front of him. "I didn't see a clock, but he was able to see and kidnap the guy as well drive back to his place in the hour nap I took. I think that the actual driving time was more like half an hour though, and a lot of it was on highway."

"Do you think you can remember what route he took if we figure out where he snatched the teen?"

"It shouldn't be that difficult to find where he snatched him, since the victim dropped his dress shoes on the pavement. But, yeah, I think I should be able to figure it out if I come along."

"No. You're not coming along," Jake replied sternly.

"Then I can't help you."

"You can use google maps."

Kurt insisted, "It's not the same. I promise I'll stay in the car. I don't want to come in and see anything in there. Believe me – I've seen enough already."

"People will be able to see and recognize you. If you want to keep your abilities a secret…"

Kurt interrupted, "I'll wear a disguise. I still have the costume box my mom and I put together when I was a kid. I'll figure something out, don't worry. Just pick me up on the way."

"Okay, fine."

_ooo_

When Jake finally arrived with his partner, Kurt was annoyed. His wig itched and was slightly too small for him. Still, it was worth the look he got when Jake saw what looked like a girl waiting for them instead of the effeminate-yet-male Kurt he was expecting.

Inwardly, Kurt winced at using his femininity like this. He didn't like being treated like a girl or dressing like one. Still, no one would think that the pretty girl was in fact male. He was just glad that his mother's clothes fit him. The wig was from the costume box. He didn't bother with making his chest look larger. They'd just assume that he either hadn't developed that much yet or just didn't have that much of a rack to show off.

Kurt walked up to them, imitating the walk he'd seen females use as closely as possible, and smiled sweetly at Jake's partner. "Hi, my name's Kathy. What's yours?"

Jake spluttered, trying to bite back a laugh as his partner quickly got up out of his seat and replied, "I'm Agent Peterson. Pleasure to meet you, Miss. I'll sit in the back so you can direct us later on."

Kurt replied, "Thank you Agent Peterson." He sat down and buckled himself in. As soon as Peterson had also gotten himself situated in the back they were off.

Jake spoke, "So, Kathy…" he bit his lip to stop from laughing, "anything else you've seen in the meantime since we last talked?"

Kurt shook his head. "No, Agent McLaughlin. So… what should I expect?"

Jake replied, "Well, your tip about the shoes was spot on. The local police department in Westerville found them. They were a little miffed about us butting in on 'their case' but let it go when they discovered that we were going to be working closely together with them and not just take over."

"Ah, okay, that makes sense."

They rode in silence for a while until Kurt asked, "Can you play music on the radio?"

Jake responded, "Well, technically we could. But we're not supposed to because we have to be able to hear any incoming calls on our radios, so we can't change the channel."

"Oh, okay, I'll take a nap then while we're waiting to get there then."

"Tell us if you see anything important."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Kurt rolled his eyes and waved his hand.

Jake huffed. "Children these days. They just don't respect us like they used to."

In the back Peterson snorted in laughter.

_ooo_

Luckily, Kurt actually did get some rest before they arrived at the scene of the crime. From there on Kurt concentrated really hard in order to remember each and every turn the driver had made. When they reached a little run-down cabin in the middle of nowhere Kurt was mentally exhausted and more than glad to let the professionals do their job, while he stayed in the relatively secure car.

He heard a gun go off and picked up the feeling of pain in his right arm. He figured that the guy he'd been dreaming of had been shot in the arm. His arms ached a little in their sockets as if they were being pulled together by something.

From inside the car, Kurt watched the man dragged out and forced into the back of a police car, while a gurney was brought in and the covered form of the teenager Kurt had seen before was brought out. There were a few red splotches on the pristine white blanket. Kurt smiled though as he saw that he was alive.

A sense of relief spread through him as he picked up on the other teenager's feelings at being saved. Kurt had been able to help him – save him. Suddenly all the training Jake had been going through with Kurt seemed worth it. Because he'd paid attention to the road and the route the man had taken, Kurt had been able to help save this teenager's life. Certainly, it would never be the same, but he was alive and mostly unharmed. Seeing the few injuries Kurt knew that they hadn't come any too soon. Had they been an hour, maybe even half an hour, later the teenager would probably have a least lost a foot if not his life.

When Kurt later switched places with Peterson, Jake commented, "Days like today are what make this all worth it to me. I've seen so much, but every time I manage to save someone, it makes it all worth it. Days like today are what I work for."

Kurt smiled. "I think I finally understand. I'll work harder from now on."

"That's all I can ask," Jake replied with a smile.


	7. Chapter 7

**Title:** Chasing Dreams

**Beta-reader: **onthaedge (lj)

**Artist: **marsmaywander (tumblr)

**Pairing: **Kadam

**Warnings:** suicide attempt and ideation, mentioned non-con towards adults and children, violence, pagan beliefs

**Author's Note: **This story was written for the Kurt Big Bang.

A thousand thanks to my beta and artist for choosing to work with me. It's been amazing. :)

Additionally, I don't own Glee. Never have and never will. If I did, there'd be some changes.

_ooo_

**Chapter Seven**

Kurt turned into his house, his heart soaring. He'd gotten into the Glee club. Mr Schuester had accepted him into their brand new Glee Club! And there were other people there who didn't seem to mind him – some of them even seemed to like him a bit.

Kurt had always wanted to join the Glee Club, but as long as Sandy Ryerson had been in charge he hadn't dared. Not with the way Kurt had watched him full of lust or the dirty thoughts he'd occasionally turned towards Kurt. Mr. Schue didn't have any of that attitude towards him. If there was anyone other than his wife he looked at like that, it was Ms. Pillsbury – and she was looking right back at him.

When he arrived home, though, he knew something was wrong. There were several black cars he didn't recognize in their driveway. He felt his father's slight panic as he thought of the name Kathy and suddenly Kurt understood. This was what his father had warned him about. Kurt knew that it couldn't be Jake, so it had to be Parkinson – or one of the policemen in Westerville. He was glad his disguise had been so convincing though.

Kurt parked his car to the side of the parking lot, took out his gym clothes and quickly changed clothes. He messed up his hair, silently bemoaning the fact that it was necessary, and pulled out a pair of glasses he had bought for chemistry lab, since the goggles they had you usually couldn't see through, looked awful and messed up his hair. Then he started the car again and pulled up on the driveway.

He got out and tried to emulate the way he'd watched Finn walk – not that he was watching or anything. He purposefully yawned and barely 'remembered' to cover his mouth as he strolled up to his father. He spoke with a lower voice than normal, "Hey, old man, I'm beat. All that junk they're trying to force into our minds at school – it just gets old, dude. How any guy's supposed to concentrate with the cheerleaders in those miniskirts of theirs is beyond me though. Can we postpone our usual jogging session until I can take a nap?"

To his father's credit he didn't even pause as he turned to him. "Sure, kid. Get your forty winks in first." Then he turned back to the men. "As you see, there's no one here except my son and me – and in case you ever doubted – he's obviously male too. Whoever this Kathy is that you're looking for, you came to the wrong house. Now if you excuse me, I have to make sure that _Kurt_ actually does his homework now instead of playing one of his stupid games. Have a nice day." Burt slammed the door in their faces and locked it.

Together they went down to Kurt's room, because it was fairly soundproof, and the windows were on the opposite side of the house from the street. The two of them looked at each other for a few moments before bursting out into laughter.

Burt patted Kurt on the back. "That was one hell of a performance, son."

Kurt beamed. "Thanks, dad. I did try to make it the antithesis of Kathy."

"Well, you done good, kid. Next time, though, if you need to be picked up, have Jake pick you up somewhere else. Gotta keep them on their toes, after all."

There was a pregnant silence before Kurt commented softly, "You really weren't kidding when it comes to keeping this secret, were you?"

"I wish I was, Kurt. But it's a terrible place. You're obviously underage. Someone probably thought he or she could make use of that. Now, I'll protect you to my dying breath, but it does help when you help out. How did you know, by the way?"

"Dad, even if you didn't show them, you were panicking. And you kept on repeating the name Kathy in your head. How was I supposed to not figure it out?"

"Yeah, I guess. Good job thinking on your feet, though. Where did you get the clothes from?"

"My gym bag. Which reminds me; I must reek wearing these."

"Well, a lot of teenage boys do, so…"

"Better disguise, yeah, but still, eww! I'm going to shower and change. These clothes are going in the laundry. How long do you think they'll be around? I left my other clothes and school supplies in my car. And I really hate leaving my Mark Jacobs jacket and other clothes in my gym bag. Just think about how stinky they'll get."

Burt sniffed Kurt's shirt. "You know, Kurt, I think you're exaggerating. They don't stink that bad. Mine used to be worse when I was your age."

"Of course they don't. I use an almost lethal dose of deodorant on them to make sure they don't stink."

Burt nodded. "Yeah, I'm sure that if you struck a match near them they'd go up in flames right away."

"Don't you dare try, dad!"

"Don't worry, kiddo, I'm not stupid enough to get you angry at me. I was kidding."

"There are some things you shouldn't joke about. Ruining clothes is one of them."

"If you say so, Kurt."

"So, anyways, back on subject, do you think they're still out there? I don't want my shirt to get all wrinkled and smelly."

"If not, then we'll just have to put on a show for them about how you're trying to avoid homework by leaving your school material in your car."

Kurt perked up. "That sounds like fun." He paused for a moment. "Oh, and dad…"

"Yes?"

"You did well at improvising. I came at you with everything out of the blue and you didn't even bat an eye."

"Well, first of all, you're my son. I've seen you play various roles all your life. I believe I've shown you some of the videos we have of your mom and you putting on skits?" Kurt nodded. "Well, there were some that I couldn't record because I was drafted into them. Since only about five percent of those were planned out, you could say that I got good at improvisation over the years. I also had a good warning because I saw you get out of your car in that getup."

"That makes sense."

_ooo_

When they went to get Kurt's stuff from his car, they found that the men had left. No doubt they were looking through the records now for someone called Kathy. Kurt giggled slightly at the thought.

_ooo_

During dinner that evening, Kurt chattered on and on about having been accepted in Glee Club and how thrilled he was that the old pedophile wasn't running the club anymore.

Burt asked, "If you knew he was a pedophile and wanted to join the group, why didn't you get him kicked off earlier?"

Kurt shrugged. "I didn't have any proof except for what I picked up from him psychically. That would never stand as a reason – and I'd have to, you know, tell people for that. We saw what can happen today if people find out. Right now they're looking for Kathy. What happens if they find out that Kathy is just a disguise? I mean, Jake installed an app on my IPhone so that people wouldn't be able to listen in to conversations I have on it, so we'd have a secure line to talk on. He said it's less likely to be noticed on a cell phone than on a landline. And it's furthermore only activated when I'm calling his or your cell phones. He put the same thing on your phone."

"That sounds like a cool gadget. How did he come by it?"

"It's an app, dad, not a gadget. That means it's a program. And one of his friends in the IT section of the FBI created it as a joke just to see if he could do it. It's much better than the hacking he used to do, apparently, but he still enjoys a few extra challenges every now and then. It isn't really illegal, but it isn't exactly legal either."

"Is that why he needed our phones that one weekend?"

"Yes, dad. And he told you at the time too."

"Oh, must have forgotten."

"No, I think you were just busy watching the football game, keeping Simon and Julie entertained and waiting for me to have my appointment with Eliza, which you really don't have to come along to anymore, by the way. I can drive now."

"Nah, it's good seeing her and her family."

"You just like spending time with Simon and Julie. They have you wrapped around their little fingers."

"Well, they make me feel younger again. Besides, if Jake can be an uncle to you, I can be an uncle to them."

"Eliza's like an aunt to me – in addition to her being my godmother – but I can't call her that because I'm her patient."

"How are things coming along on that front?"

"She thinks that I can be taken off the anti-depressants fairly soon and warned me that I might feel a heightened sex drive for a while, because the medication will have toned it down a lot. So puberty hasn't quite hit me like most of the guys at school. We'll be taking it slowly, though, just to make sure that the sudden shock doesn't overwhelm me. In a way, I'll be easing into being a teenager a lot more than most guys my age when they suddenly started to see girls."

"Or boys," Burt added.

Kurt's eyes darted to meet his father's and he smiled softly. "Or boys."

"Whatever or whoever you care for, Kurt, I'll love you the same. Keep that in mind, okay?"

Kurt smile brightened. "Thanks dad. Say, dad…?"

"Yes Kurt?"

"I…" Kurt paused as he tried to find the words to come out, but found them stuck in his throat instead. "I… thanks. For everything."

Burt gave him a lopsided smile. "Anytime, kiddo. You know I love you."

"I love you too, dad." He paused. "Say, dad?"

"Yes?"

"Do you mind if I go to sleep tonight early?"

"You hoping to meet up with Adam?"

Kurt nodded. "I have to tell him everything that happened today. He has to be warned. If it gets out that it may technically be possible to get psychic abilities from organ transplants…"

"Then the people who aren't in hiding will be in danger. I get it. Go ahead. I'll do the dishes tonight. It's the least I can do, since you cooked."

"Of course I cooked. I didn't want to eat pizza or greasy meat that will plug all my pores and give me a heart attack before my time."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. It tastes good though."

"Whatever." Kurt rolled his eyes. "Good night." He pecked his father on the cheek before he went off to get ready for sleep.

_ooo_

Adam was sitting by the pond when Kurt materialized. Kurt dashed over to him to pull him into a great big hug.

Adam snorted, "A bit enthusiastic there?"

Kurt pouted. "It's been ages since we saw each other."

"A few weeks, if that. Isn't it a bit early for you to be sleeping? I mean, I have the excuse of trying to get over my jetlag. What's yours?"

"I wanted to see you."

"By the way, I've finally decided what I'm going to call you."

"Really?"

"At first I was tempted by Puck, but it didn't feel right."

Kurt immediately thought of Noah Puckerman and shook his head. "No. One of my bullies goes by that name."

"In the end I decided on Ariel from The Tempest."

"Does it have to be a faery and from Shakespeare?"

"Shakespeare was one of the greatest writers of all time, if you ask me. Naming you after one of his characters – there's no honor higher than that. I already refrained from Oberon, because I figured you'd resent being the king of the faeries."

"Okay, I guess I can accept it then. But isn't Ariel a female name? I mean, it's the name given to the little mermaid…"

"It's androgynous. The character was played by a male in times of Shakespeare. All he wants is to be free and in the end of the play he wins his freedom by playing matchmaker and helping to bring about the happy end."

Kurt couldn't stop himself from grinning, as a light shade of pink kissed his cheeks. "You know, I kinda like that. Okay, you can call me Ariel."

"So, Ariel, how have you been?"

Kurt spoke enthusiastically, "I've been well. You remember that my school has a Glee Club, right? Well, the old director was fired, so our Spanish teacher took over. I auditioned and I managed to get in! There's only a few of us, so I imagine our teacher couldn't be very selective, but I still got in! Despite my voice!"

"Kurt, you have an amazing voice. A true countertenor is very difficult to find. If your voice now is anything like it was when you were eight – there's no way anyone could turn you away."

Kurt smiled, his cheeks coloring slightly. "Thanks." He pressed a light kiss on Adam's lips. "You're sweet." He nudged Adam's arms open enough to crawl inside them and cuddle with him. "I think I love you."

Adam smiled softly. "I know I love you."

"By the way, you remember that alternate identity I assumed in order to guide the police and FBI to find that serial killer?"

Kurt felt Adam nod. "Yeah."

"Well, some men were at my house today looking for her. I put on a rather convincing act of being a rather ordinary hetero guy. The last sort of person they'd be expecting to dress up like a girl. But please be careful. If they find out about you and that you probably got your abilities from a organ donation – well, I don't know what would happen. It definitely wouldn't be pretty though."

"Mums the word. I won't let a single word slip. Promise."

Kurt smiled. "Good. Now kiss me."

"How many times?" Adam teased.

"Forever," Kurt replied.

"I'll do my best." Adam quipped as he leaned in.


	8. Chapter 8

**Title:** Chasing Dreams

**Beta-reader: **onthaedge (lj)

**Artist: **marsmaywander (tumblr)

**Pairing: **Kadam

**Warnings:** suicide attempt and ideation, mentioned non-con towards adults and children, violence, pagan beliefs

**Author's Note: **This story was written for the Kurt Big Bang.

A thousand thanks to my beta and artist for choosing to work with me. It's been amazing. :)

Additionally, I don't own Glee. Never have and never will. If I did, there'd be some changes.

_ooo_

**Chapter Eight**

Kurt knew that Finn would never return his affection. He knew that he wasn't in love with him either. He was well aware of the fact that it was just a crush that would go away in time. Still, he had a feeling that there was a reason it was there. There was something more to this than just a crush, than just his hormones finally kicking in as he slowly came off his antidepressants.

Kurt genuinely liked Finn and wanted to help him. He was in a tough situation with his girlfriend Quinn, being pregnant. He didn't know that the baby was Puck's. The only reason Kurt knew was because it was on the surface of both Quinn's and Puck's thoughts most of the time. He really didn't want to listen in, but their thoughts were so loud. So, Kurt knew that it wasn't going to last long between her and Finn. He also knew that Rachel was going to snatch him up as soon as she got a chance. And that bothered him.

As far as Kurt could tell, the main reason Rachel wanted Finn was because she figured that the two of them had vocal chemistry. She barely knew him. She would easily trample over him and control him. Not that Quinn was much better in that respect. To be honest, Kurt would have much preferred to see Finn with a more mild-mannered girl, who cared for him as he was and wouldn't try to change or walk all over him.

It wasn't until Kurt met Finn's mother for the first time that things really clicked in his mind. It was difficult letting go and playing matchmaker for his dad and Carol. It was even more painful watching his dad bond with Finn. Still, the one thing Kurt couldn't regret was how much happier his father was.

Kurt was relieved though, when he heard the coded questions his father would ask her. The way he assured and reassured himself that living with two psychics wouldn't be a problem for her. After all, while Burt might be able to hide his abilities, Kurt would have more difficulties with it. It helped reassure Kurt that his father was looking out for him too.

At first, when his father and Finn started hanging out more, Kurt was able to convince himself that his father was checking out Finn to the same extent as he had Carol. He warned his father that Finn couldn't keep a secret to save his life. So, somehow, they'd have to work around telling him.

Still, when things got out of proportion and Kurt was hurting, Burt was around to hear his cry for help. When they'd visited Eliza that weekend, as always, she'd given Burt a dressing down, "Burt, I know you mean well. You're trying to connect with the son of your girlfriend – the type of son you always wanted. But you can't forget that Kurt is fragile. In all reality – who does he have? He has you, me, Jake and Adam. We're the only people he can actually talk to about everything. You simply cannot let him think that someone else is more important to you than he is. Remember, he picks up on your emotions and thoughts. He knows that you'd rather do stuff with Finn. And that really hurts him. So he acted out – just like every teenager. The thing that you have to keep in mind, though, is that when acting out he tried to satisfy what you wanted – and you still looked right past him. That shows a lot about his character – he'll do anything to make you happy with him; to make you love him."

Burt insisted, "But I already love him."

"Try to express it a little more overtly sometimes. Over the time I've watched and observed Kurt, I've noticed that his empathy is heightened by touch. So try to touch him more often, remind him that you love him just the way he is. He needs that reassurance – especially right now when he's a teenager and going through so much change. He's coming off of his antidepressants and starting to feel his hormones in ways that he never has before. He has to get used to what could realistically end up being a new family. He needs your constant reassurance. Even if he weren't special he'd need it. Being who he is and given the abilities he has – you can't neglect him. A single slip and we'll be right back where we started."

Burt felt like someone had punched him. "But, you said he was doing better!"

She soothed, "He is. If he wasn't, I wouldn't be lowering his anti-depressants. Still, the next time he tries to act out, we might not be as lucky as to the method he chooses. That's all I'm saying. You're the center of his universe. You and Adam. Jake and I just help him to keep orbiting. If the two of you are taken out, though, he won't be here much longer. I can practically promise you that."

_ooo_

Things were put to the test when Burt invited Carol and Finn to live with them. Kurt tried to go out of his way to make things easier for them. He showed Carol where everything was in the kitchen and helped her with the cooking. He let Finn set up his game consoles in what was currently their room. The idea that Kurt and Burt had come up with was that Burt would build an extension for Finn. In the meantime, though, they'd have to share a room.

However, Kurt felt that Finn was still nervous about sleeping in the same room as him. He tried to accept that and use that when redecorating the room. The room partition, the drapes – he wanted Finn to feel like he did have privacy. He tried so hard to make it work, but Finn still hated it.

As soon as Burt had talked to Carol and she'd left with her son, he'd returned to the basement, where Kurt was still crying. He said, "Oh, come here, kiddo," and opened his arms wide for Kurt.

Kurt barely hesitated before stumbling into them to continue to cry on his father's shoulder. He hiccupped. "Why…? He… he was… scared of me, dad. Am… am I that… that scary? I didn't… I didn't pursue him. It… it was just… just a crush. I… I love Adam. Why do people hate me?"

Burt's heart broke. "Not everyone hates you Kurt. You have me, Adam, Eliza, Jake, Julie, Simon, Uncle Andy, Aunt Mildred, your grandparents, Mercedes, Tina, Brittany – the list goes on I'm sure."

Kurt sniffled and rubbed his nose. "But daddy, there's so many more that hate me for being who I am. Sometimes I think it would have been better if you hadn't…"

Burt pushed away from Kurt slightly, resting his arms on his shoulders, looking down at him. He interrupted, "Don't ever say that, Kurt! I know it's tough! I know that sometimes you just want to give up. But you can't leave me! You're my world!"

Tearfully Kurt retorted, "You have Carol and Finn now though."

"Oh, God, Kurt." Burt pulled him into his arms in a bear-hug, letting Kurt feel the pain and turmoil his father was going though at the thought of losing him. "They're not you! Finn is not my son! You are! How many times do I have to repeat this?"

"But I know you want him to be. I feel your emotions, dad! You can't hide that from me!"

"Yeah, maybe I do. But you _are_ my son already. I could _never_ replace you."

Kurt sniffled again. "I'm still sorry I got in the way of your happiness, dad. You've been so happy lately. I never wanted to be the reason for you not…"

Burt interrupted again, "Hold it right there, Kurt. You are not at fault here. You're a victim. If anyone is at fault, it's Finn."

"But dad, if I wasn't… if I wasn't gay…"

Burt's frustration and affection bubbled inside him. "How many times do I have to remind you, Kurt? _You're_ my son, Kurt. I told you, the place looks great. You obviously tried to stylishly create a barrier between the two of you, so he'd be more comfortable. It's not your fault that he can't deal with it. I bet he wouldn't have a problem if it was a pretty girl he was sharing a room with. You're supposed to be safe here, Kurt. I know how sensitive you are. I won't have his thoughts and emotions poisoning this place for you. You need a place where you can retreat and get away from other people's emotions. You're my son. You'll always come first. It's part of being a father."

"Were you really like that when you were a teenager?"

Burt nodded his head and drew back from the hug. "I was one of the worst. When your mom and I first realized you would probably end up being gay, I asked her if it was karma for the way I treated other gay kids back in high school. You know what she told me?"

"No, what?"

He smiled wryly. "She told me not to see it as a punishment but as a learning opportunity. Your mother was a very wise woman. And so selfless. Something the two of you have in common. More than I wish you did. Still, I'm glad that you, unlike her, can actually stand up for yourself. Don't always try to make me happy. Make yourself happy first. It's my job to look out for you, not the other way around. Keep that in mind, okay?"

Kurt smiled softly his eyes red and cheeks wet. "I love you dad."

"I love you too, kiddo. Now, please, tell me if something's wrong next time. How long have you known that Finn wasn't comfortable rooming with you?"

Kurt muttered, "Since it was suggested."

"And you never said anything. Not once."

"I didn't want to ruin this for you dad. I see how happy you are with Carol. I want that happiness in our house. I thought I could ignore the thing with Finn. I thought it might pass with time. Maybe he could get used to it with time. Instead… I just wanted you to be happy, dad. Is that too much to ask for?"

Burt asked, in a choked voice, "Is it too much to ask for that you be happy?"

Kurt answered softly, "Yes, it is."

"Then it is for me too. Because I'll never be happy as long as you aren't."

"Sometimes I can experience happiness because other people are happy. Does that count?"

"No, Kurt. I want _you_ to be happy. _You're_ the person I care about. How did you become so selfless?"

Kurt shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe it has to do with feeling other people's pain stronger than your own. At times it's difficult to distinguish what you're feeling and what other people are feeling. Sometimes I literally can't."

"What do you do then?"

"I retreat to places like this room, where it's silent."

"When Finn grows up a bit and we can give this living together another try, I'll make sure that you don't share a room again. If necessary, he'll take the room underneath the stairs."

Kurt's eyes widened in panic. "No! Don't put him in there! That place feels wrong!"

Burt frowned in confusion. "Kurt?"

"I – I don't know how you could have missed it when buying the place, dad, but something happened there. Something horrible. Don't put him in there."

"Then it's either going to be building the extension or buying a new house."

"If we go with the new house, can I pick my room first and help choose it? I can warn you about anything like the thing under the stairs."

"Sure, kiddo. Wouldn't have it any other way."

"Say, dad?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you mind if I cuddle with you a while still? You're really warm on the inside and outside. It's nice."

Burt shook his head. "Anything you want, Kurt."


	9. Chapter 9

**Title:** Chasing Dreams

**Beta-reader: **onthaedge (lj)

**Artist: **marsmaywander (tumblr)

**Pairing: **Kadam

**Warnings:** suicide attempt and ideation, mentioned non-con towards adults and children, violence, pagan beliefs

**Author's Note: **This story was written for the Kurt Big Bang.

A thousand thanks to my beta and artist for choosing to work with me. It's been amazing. :)

Additionally, I don't own Glee. Never have and never will. If I did, there'd be some changes.

_ooo_

**Chapter Nine**

Months later, Kurt was in French class when he blacked out for a few moments. He saw himself talking to another man and felt a sudden pain in his chest. He felt himself collapse to the ground, the man's worried face was out of focus for a moment before everything went black.

When he came back to himself, he noticed that no one in his class had noticed anything. They were too absorbed with the teacher, their conversations, their doodles, staring out the window or watching the clock. Unfortunately, the teacher requested them to speak to each other in French then, so as to actually practice the language. To cover for himself, he started talking at his partner while building in lots of barbs – trying to pass everything off as normal. Still, it didn't come as that much of a surprise when he was called out of class.

_ooo_

As he sat in the waiting room with Ms. Pillsbury and Mr. Schue, Kurt pulled out his phone and dialed Eliza's work number. The receptionist answered in a bored tone, "McLaughlin Psychiatric and Psychotherapy – how can I help you?"

"Hi, this is Kurt, Kurt Hummel. Could I speak to Eliza please?"

"She's busy with a client right now. Do you wish to leave a message?"

"Could she please call me back ASAP? I kinda really need her right now."

"If you want, I can send your phone call on to one of our other psychotherapists."

"No, it has to be Eliza. She's my godmother. It's about my dad." Kurt choked back a sob.

The receptionist must have noticed something in his voice, because she responded, "I'll try forwarding your call to her. Please hold."

A few moments later, he heard Eliza's worried voice, "Kurt? Are you okay? Shouldn't you be in school? What's wrong with your dad?"

"He… he had… he had a heart attack. He's in the hospital. I haven't heard anything yet. It was the same thing as with my mom when she died."

"That means you…?"

"Yeah."

"Crap. Okay, listen, you don't know anything yet. Try not to panic. I'm sure your dad will be fine. He's strong. They're taking care of him there. He's in the best of hands. They deal with heart-attacks all the time, I'm sure. I'll come down as soon as I can, okay? Have you called your other family members yet?"

"Uncle Andy is in a resort in the Caribbean after getting burnt out. Aunt Mildred is at a convention of some sort somewhere and my grandparents are out canoeing in northern Minnesota's Boundary Waters because it's Indian summer up there right now."

"So who's there to take care of you?"

"My friends and teachers."

"In other words, no one. Hang on a minute." Kurt heard talking in the background before she got back on the phone. "Listen, my patient told me to skedaddle. Says to tell you that she's a mother and understands that you need someone right now from what she heard on the phone. Wonderful woman, really. I'll have my receptionist try to reschedule my appointments for the next few days. Then maybe Jake can take a few days off."

"That isn't a very good idea. What if those people come back?"

"Yeah, I see what you mean. Okay, we'll skip on him coming and I'll come alone."

"You don't have to come… I just…"

"Kurt, I know you. You need me there. I'll just cut down on my hours a bit. You know, leave earlier than I normally would, to account for travel time and whatnot. The other psychotherapists I've hired can take up the slack for me. I'll just stick to my psychiatrist work for a while. Take one of the anti-anxiety pills I prescribed you, okay? It'll help calm you down for now. I'll be there as soon as possible. Okay?"

"Yeah. Thanks."

"Don't sound so defeated. Everything's going to be fine. If there's anyone who could get over a heart-attack for their son it's your dad."

"Mhm." Kurt paused, noticing a doctor had come into the waiting area and was heading straight towards him. "Look, I'll… I'll talk to you later, okay? Once I know something – anything."

"Kurt, don't hang up on me yet. Are you alone?"

"No, Mr. Schue and Ms. Pillsbury are here with me."

"Okay. That's good. Try to keep it that way. I don't want you alone right now. He's going to be fine."

"But I saw…"

"Not over the phone, Kurt. You know better than that. You aren't thinking straight."

Kurt made a half-hearted attempt at a joke, "I never think straight."

"Right. I'll be there as soon as I can. Call my cell if you need me or if you have news."

"Yeah."

"Remember it… it doesn't have to mean death. Just because, well, you know, the thing with your mom."

"Thanks."

_ooo_

It was while Kurt was holding Burt's hand, after having sent Ms. Pillsbury and Mr. Schue out of the room, that he heard the ruckus outside. "Mrs. McLaughlin, please, even you have to admit that this is highly irregular."

"It's _Doctor _McLaughlin. And I don't give a damn how irregular it is. His son is my godson, so until Mr. Hummel wakes up, he's under my care."

"But you're his psychotherapist _and_ his psychiatrist according to our files."

"Now, look you. I can sure as hell act as more than one thing. It's not my fault that you can't keep a distance from your clients if you also know them in personal life. Besides, I didn't see that kid for at least ten years in the interim before I took him on as a patient. Besides, his father appointed me."

"You can't just take custody of him though. His family…"

"His family is out of town and can't be contacted right now. He only has his father and me. And trust me, it's better he stay with me right now than anyone else for reasons I cannot discuss. None of us want him back here."

"I'm just saying that for a high risk person, such as himself this might be…"

"I know what you're saying and I'm saying you're wrong. The worst thing to do would be to lock him up in your psychiatric ward and isolate him from his friends, just to make sure that nothing happens to him. I'm fully certified and, frankly, I know my patient better than you do. So buzz off."

"But…"

"Shut the hell up. I don't want to hear it. You're already close to breaking your confidentiality clause by talking about this where anyone could hear you. He purposefully asked that no one at school be informed of the incident last year due to special confidential reasons."

"Okay, fine, but this isn't the end of it!"

"Yes, it is. He is _my_ patient and _my_ godson. I was so appointed by _his_ father, who is currently in a coma. Somehow, I don't think we can revoke that until he wakes up – and he will wake up, believe me, I know that man. And once he wakes up he will tell you that I was right in what I did. So, please just piss off. I'm really not in the mood for morons right now."

If it had been any other day, Kurt might have been amused at how territorial Eliza was over him. However, he was just tired and just wanted to wake up from this nightmare. He could only hope that it would be over soon.

The woman marched through the doors to the room, and demanded, "What did I tell you about being alone?"

"I wasn't. They're just outside. I just… I wanted a moment alone with him… I thought… I thought that maybe it would work better if I touched him. Maybe I could reach him. But he was so cold. It's so empty. He's usually full of warmth. I just… it's so cold here. It should be warm. It should be warm. I tried, but I just can't reach him."

"Oh, Kurt, don't worry. He'll find his way back to you. As long as you're around and need him, he'll fight for you – against sickness, bullies – you name it."

"He wouldn't be able to stop me now if I…"

"Don't even think about it. He needs someone to come back to."

Kurt nodded. "Yeah, I guess. If he dies though, I'm not sure that Adam would be enough."

"And for that reason, if nothing else, he'll make it. Have faith."

Kurt scoffed. "In what? God? I don't believe in that."

She shook her head. "No, not in God. In your father."

"The last thing he told me was that I was a disappointment, though." Kurt's lip trembled and he sniffed.

"I very much doubt that. What were his exact words?"

"That he was very disappointed in me."

"That is not the same as being a disappointment, Kurt. Every parent is disappointed by their kids at some point in their lives. Heck, I'm disappointed every time I get a phone call about Simon or Julie brings home a bad grade. But I'd never call them a disappointment because of that, okay?" she comforted.

Kurt nodded slightly. "Mhm. Did I cause this, Eliza? Is he here because he had a fight with me? Because the stress of taking care of me is getting to be too much?"

"Now, Kurt, I don't think…"

"If I was normal, do you think we'd still be here? If I didn't care about stupid things like… like sing-alongs or… or DVDs? If I didn't have those… those…"

"Dreams?" she suggested.

"Yeah."

She shook her head slowly. "I don't think so, no. We'll never know for certain, because what-ifs and maybes don't hold water. But this heart attack was caused by an arrhythmia." She picked up Burt's chart. "He has a ventricular tachycardia. Well, that's definitely better than ventricular fibrillation. It isn't always lethal. Eating fish should help him, since the Omega-3 will be good for him and you'll have to make sure that he gets enough magnesium. The doctor will no doubt tell you that and more later, though, when your dad is better and let out. Still, his previous eating habits can't have helped that much regardless. You'll find that vinegar and some other spices are very good at replacing salt. At some point I'll give you a few cooking lessons on how to make stuff taste good while leaving out the salt."

Kurt asked, "How do you know he'll survive?"

"Because I know your father and I trust and believe in him. Has he ever let you down?"

Kurt shook his head.

"There you have it."

Kurt bit his lip. "I wish I had your confidence."

She put a warm hand on his shoulder. "Let's go home and let you rest, okay?"

Kurt shook his head. "No, I want to stay here."

"You need to rest, Kurt. You get little enough sleep as is. Today was emotionally draining for you. You need the rest more than usual. And you'll probably be having nightmares tonight."

"But…"

She insisted, "You know I'm right, Kurt. Staying here won't make any difference. If anything changes at all – even if it's just his oxygen saturation levels, I'll get you back here in a jiffy, okay? But in the meantime you need rest."

Kurt hung his head. "Okay. I'm coming."

As they exited the room, they found Mr. Schue and Ms. Pillsbury outside. Eliza introduced herself, "Hi there. You must be Mr. Schuester, the Spanish and Glee teacher, and Ms. Pillsbury, the guidance counselor. It's nice to finally put faces to the names I've heard. I'm Kurt's godmother, Doctor Eliza McLaughlin. I'm a psychiatrist and psychotherapist."

Miss Pillsbury asked, "So, you're his psychiatrist? The one he received after the _incident_ last year?"

"I didn't know you were aware of it."

Miss Pillsburry nodded. "I received a report on it because I'm the guidance counselor, with a comment to keep it secret. I'm the only one at McKinley who knows."

Mr. Schue just stated, "I'm confused."

Kurt snapped, "Good. I didn't and don't want _anyone_ to know."

Mr. Schue asked, "Is this… incident… the reason why that other doctor was referring to you as a right risk person and want to lock you up in some ward?"

Kurt shook his head. "I'm not a high risk and I don't need to be locked up."

Eliza patted Kurt's shoulder. "You are at risk, Kurt, but I agree – you don't need to be locked up."

"I'm _not_ at risk," Kurt insisted. Internally he continued the sentence with 'for now.'

"Anyway, I should be getting Kurt home so he can get some rest. It's been a very taxing emotional day. Goodbye."

Kurt said, "Thank you for supporting me, Mr. Shue and Ms. Pillsbury. I'll see you tomorrow in school."

Mr. Shue gave him a tight smile. "The school faculty will do everything in its power to support you in this, Kurt. Take care."

Ms. Pillsbury turned a tremulous smile on Kurt. "Now, I know you have nightmares. So, please, take care of yourself. And if you ever need something, my office is open to you. And it's disinfected. I'd appreciate if you could disinfect your hands before you came in…" she paused a moment before continuing, "but that isn't really necessary. Most students don't and I have to disinfect it again."

Kurt gave her a wan smile. "I know how difficult it is for you to be here, Ms. Pillsbury, even if they disinfect here all the time, there's still a lot of germs, bacteria and viruses in hospitals. That you'd face that for me – thanks."

She gave him a half-smile. "Well, you know, it was the right thing to do."

"Good night."

"Take care of yourself. Our prayers will be with you and your father. Good night."

"Prayers. Pft," Kurt snorted and walked off with Eliza. "As if those are any good."

_ooo_

Later that evening, a few hours after Kurt went to sleep, he woke up crying. He went upstairs to make himself some warm milk, only to find Eliza working on her laptop in the living room, where, as evidenced by the multitude of blankets and pillows on the couch, was where she was going to be sleeping. Kurt gave up the idea of making warm milk for himself, not wanting to disturb her. He headed back towards the basement door.

Her voice made him jump. "Hey, Kurt. Why are you up?"

Kurt turned around, the glistening of tear tracks obvious on his face, as well as his red bloodshot eyes.

"Oh, Kurt, come here." She patted the sofa next to her and he reluctantly sat down. "Now, tell me, what's the matter?"

"I can't find him."

"Who can't you find? Adam?"

Kurt shook his head. "My dad."

"He's at the hospital, Kurt, you know that."

"I know where his body is!" Kurt shot back. "I was looking for _him_. He isn't there right now. I looked. He was so empty. I thought… I thought maybe he'd gone to my safe place. It's something I got from his side of the family, you know. I hoped… I thought…" Kurt sniffed. "But he wasn't there. Neither was Adam."

"Why exactly did you think he was there?"

"Because that's where I was when I was in a coma after trying to kill myself."

She asked, "Do you know for certain that your great grandmother had the same safe place as you do?"

"Well, no, but…"

"Then wouldn't it be possible that your dad had his own as well and neither of you were aware of it?"

"But… what about Adam? Why does he have the same one?"

"I can't tell you that. Maybe there's a special connection between the two of you. I don't think we'll ever know for certain. The only person who could answer our questions – your great grandmother – is dead."

Kurt pleaded, "Do you think I'd be able to find him if I keep looking?"

"I honestly don't know, Kurt. But you came back to us from your place, albeit reluctantly. Your dad isn't quite so reluctant to return. I'm sure he wants to come back and it's just his body that needs more time to heal before it's ready to house him again."

"It hurts though! Being near him like that – it hurts! How do I reach him when he isn't there? How do I help him?"

"Kurt, sometimes things are out of our control."

"I don't want our last words to be of anger though, Eliza!"

She frowned and gripped Kurt's shoulder. "Now you listen here, Kurt. I don't know where you get this fatalistic thinking from. He's going to be fine, because he's strong and he loves you."

"So did my mom! That didn't save her! Almost everyone I have visions of dies!"

"Not everyone! Remember the ones you helped save?"

"But I didn't see them die! I saw and felt my dad's heart spasm as if it was my own. I felt the pain just as sure as he did – maybe even better because I didn't have the clouding of my senses due to a lack of oxygen in my brain. I might as well have had a heart attack at the same time as he did – that's how well I felt it. How can you want to come back after pain like that? What if he's tired of… of having a son like me? If he lets go he'll see my mom again. He'll be free of this miserable place."

"Kurt, you aren't a father, so you don't understand what a parent will do for their child. He knows you need him. He won't leave you. Unlike your mother, he has a chance."

"Does he? I never told him how much I need him. I didn't know. But now everything is falling apart and I don't know what to do." Kurt pursed his lips in a grimace.

"Have you tried praying?"

Kurt scoffed at the idea. "I don't believe in God. Look at what I am – I'm gay and psychic. The church – his followers – would persecute me for something I was born with. Besides, I know better. There's lots of gods out there. Most of them only have as much power as we give them. Only a few will actually answer prayers and it's definitely not the Christian God that does. If anyone, I'd ask Eir to help in return for an offering. As a Valkyrie, dying of sickness would not be an honorable death in her eyes, which my father deserves. So, she might be more inclined to help – even if I'm male, I am a virgin. And we're of Germanic descent."

"And you think she'd listen?"

"I can only ask. She's described as being friendly, protective and helpful. As long as I am honest, courteous and polite, she'll probably at least listen to me. And, hey, people at school call me princess and lady all the time. I might as well do something that was traditionally reserved for women – other than running the household."

"If people ask you what you believe, what do you tell them?"

"That I'm an atheist. It's easier than telling them that I follow the old ways and why I do."

_ooo_

They heard a knock on the door and Kurt got up to answer it. A young woman with tanned skin, dark hair and unnaturally pale green eyes was at the door. She was wearing a slightly medieval-looking green dress, however the skirt only came slightly past her knees and it was split up into several pieces of fabric, all in varying shades of green according to length, leaving it looking almost like the petals of a green flower and the neck was laced together but cut fairly deep. Around her neck she wore an amulet with a rune on it. She smiled kindly. "Hello. I'm tired from traveling all day. Would you please put me up for the night?"

Kurt blinked. "Uh, there's a motel just on the other side of town. I'd drive you there, but my car is still at school."

"I don't have the kind of money they'd require there. I prefer to offer my help in return instead."

Kurt frowned. Something about this woman was off, but he didn't know what. Still, it didn't feel bad, necessarily, just off. Somehow he knew that he didn't want to turn her away. "Alright. Come in. I'm afraid I don't have much to offer you. Our couch is taken up by a family friend. I'd offer you to sleep in my room, but I'm afraid that wouldn't be couth, since I don't know you and you're female – even if I'm gay."

"No, I think that would be acceptable. I trust a man such as yourself not to harm a maiden. Let me help you tonight."

Kurt blinked. "Oh, okay…? Uh, please enter. Is there anything I can get you?"

"I'd like an apple and some tea, please."

"Sure. I'll get it for you right away. Please sit down in the meantime." He gestured towards the living room.

_ooo_

As Kurt was preparing the tea and slicing up some fruit for a small fruit salad, Eliza came in to ask him, "What the heck are you thinking, Kurt? Letting some strange person come in here? Agreeing to let her sleep in your room with you? Have you lost your wits? Do you know what could happen to you? What if she's some kind of killer or burglar or… or something!"

"It won't. She isn't bad. I'd know if she was." Kurt blinked. "Wait a moment. That's what's odd about her. I'm not picking up any thoughts or… or emotions off of her. Just a sense of… of a good person. If she knows how to block me from picking that up from her, maybe she'll know how to block myself from picking that up from people as well!" Kurt smiled.

Eliza sighed in exasperation. "Kurt, you're entirely missing the point here. Do I have to spell it out for you? She is a stranger. She does not belong in your house – especially not when your father is in the hospital!"

Kurt smiled softly, put the fruits together in a bowl and poured a honey-lemon sauce over it. He mixed it up and patted Eliza's arm. "Trust me. It'll be okay." He poured the hot water into a thermal mug that had a bag of chamomile tea in it waiting.

As Kurt left the room, he heard Eliza's exclamation, "Ah! Teenagers! Why can't they ever listen?"

He handed the woman the fruit salad and tea and warned her, "Take care, the tea is hot. I hope it's to your liking."

She smiled at him and responded. "I'm sure it will be. So, tell me about your father and why he's in the hospital."

"He… he had a heart attack earlier today after we had a fight. I mean, not right afterwards. I was in school. He had a client there with him. That's probably how he was able to survive. But he's in a coma now. Eliza, the woman you saw here earlier, she's my godmother. She's taking care of me right now."

"What is his prognosis?"

"They don't know. He's… he's just not waking up. And it's like he isn't there right now. They said that there wasn't enough oxygen reaching his brain for a while, so there might be brain damage. But they don't know. They won't know until he wakes up – if he wakes up."

"I'm sorry to hear that, Kurt. Tell me more about him."

Kurt smiled softly. "He's a wonderful man. According to him, he used to be a bit homophobic when he was a teenager, but he's managed to grow and get over that. He's changed. He supports me like no one else. I'd never ask it of him, but whenever I'm upset about something – he'll get up and fight for me. Like this one time, I wanted to sing a song sung traditionally by a woman in Glee Club, that's show choir, and our teacher wouldn't let me. But my dad went toe to toe with him and the principal to get me the chance to at least audition for it. I threw the chance away, because of the hate phone calls we get – and I could see how much they bothered him. I knew that if I sang that song at a competition, it would just get worse. And… I didn't want to do that to him. So I let it go. He's always there, always supportive, kind, loving, caring. He can be a real bear though, if I'm threatened or hurt in any way. He's the sort of father people dream to have. I tried so hard to get him to change his diet, because I was worried about him. But the other stuff just tastes better to him and he just wouldn't listen to me. I love him so much. We already lost my mom – I don't think I could handle losing him."

"He sounds like a wonderful person who would be sorely missed by the world – not just by you. The sort of person the world needs more of – not less; a warrior for justice and peace – well deserving of a place in Valhalla if he were to die fighting."

"Yeah, but he's sick instead."

She finished her food and drink before requesting, "I'm tired. Let us retire for the night."

He guided her down to his room, ignoring the disgruntled look on Eliza's face. He gestured at the bed, "You can sleep there. I won't be sleeping very well tonight regardless, so you might as well be more comfortable than me."

"That is not necessary."

"Please, I insist."

She took her shoes off and laid herself down on his bed. "What would you offer in exchange for your father to have a healthy heart again?"

"Anything within my power to give."

"That's a silly answer. You have to be more precise."

Kurt walked over to his shelves and pulled out his hope chest. Inside was a bottle of perfume along with several tiaras, some photos and various other knickknacks. "This bottle of perfume belonged to my mother. When I open it I feel connected to her. I spilled another bottle of it in her dresser when I was a little, but this is a more intense version of it for when I'm feeling my worst. I'd offer this, as my most prized possession, for my dad's health."

"Is there anything else?"

"Nothing else has anywhere close to the same value of my dad being around. Whether I like it or not, my mom is dead and she's not coming back. My dad, on the other hand, is still alive, albeit in a coma. A parent who's alive is worth more than the memories of one who is dead – no matter how dear they are to me."

"Accepted." The woman's eyes flashed a dark green for a moment so short that Kurt was sure he'd imagined it. "Now sleep."

Suddenly Kurt felt exhausted as he lay down on the sofa in his room. For once in his life he had no dreams and when he awoke he felt more refreshed than he could ever remember feeling. Strangely enough, he found himself on his bed and the bottle of perfume had disappeared along with the woman. There were no traces of her left.

He rushed upstairs to talk to Eliza and found her cooking breakfast. He asked her, "Did you see the woman from last night off?"

"What woman?"

Kurt frowned. "The one who came here last night."

"I don't know what you're talking about. You went to sleep last night, came up for a short talk and then went right back to sleep. You must have dreamt about her."

"But…"

She handed him some pancakes. "Here's your breakfast, Kurt. Now eat up. I have to get you to school early, so I can head to work. You can drive your car home tonight, so you won't have to get up quite as early. How did you sleep, other than this dream of the woman?"

"Really well. I can't remember ever sleeping so well."

"Well, that's good. You're going to need the rest to stay strong for the days to come."

Kurt just nodded and ate his food, taking note that the fruits he'd cut up the night before were gone and the dishes he'd used were in the draining rack. He wondered why Eliza couldn't remember the woman though.

_ooo_

It was about a week later, after his father awoke, that Kurt found the answer when she came to him in a dream. She smiled at him and said, "Hello Kurt."

"Hi. Who are you really?"

"You didn't guess? I'm Eir. You invoked me by calling my name – even though it was by accident, I decided to stop by and see if you were worth helping. You offered me food and shelter and in exchange I've given you a little more control over your powers. I healed your father, and guided him back to his body, for you in exchange for the perfume, which really does have a wonderful smell and so many beautiful memories attached to it. The love held in it is soothing for the soul. It was wise of you, though, exchanging old memories for the chance to make new ones. The memories are still with you, of course – I would never take those away from you – but the distilled essence of them is also held within the perfume because you held it so often thinking of them."

"I'm sorry for not treating you better."

"You made me feel more welcome and acted more selfless than many I've visited in the past millennia have, Kurt. You gave me your own bed to sleep in and served me very good food."

"Why did you take Eliza's memory of the event from her?"

"Because she was not accepting and friendly like you were. Besides, she never would have understood how you knew that I wasn't bad. She isn't like you or your parents. But she has her heart in the right place."

Kurt smiled. "Yeah, she does."

"I'd have returned your father to you earlier, but there were some lessons you had to learn first. I'm glad it didn't take you too long to learn them, though it was interesting talking to your father in the meantime. Did you know that he's actually very good at playing tafl? It took him a bit to get the hang of it, but he got really good."

Kurt blinked. "Tafl?"

"Yeah, it's a board game. I'll teach it to you." She pulled out a board and various pieces. "Now, you see, the pieces in the center have a king and it's his goal to escape, while the other pieces that start out on the sides of the board's goal is to capture him…"

When Kurt awoke the next morning he knew how to play tafl and planned to try playing it with his father as well, once he was better. That is, if he could find the board and its pieces.


	10. Chapter 10

**Title:** Chasing Dreams

**Beta-reader: **onthaedge (lj)

**Artist: **marsmaywander (tumblr)

**Pairing: **Kadam

**Warnings:** suicide attempt and ideation, mentioned non-con towards adults and children, violence, pagan beliefs

**Author's Note: **This story was written for the Kurt Big Bang.

A thousand thanks to my beta and artist for choosing to work with me. It's been amazing. :)

Additionally, I don't own Glee. Never have and never will. If I did, there'd be some changes.

_ooo_

**Chapter Ten**

Kurt was curled up on sofa when Adam arrived, but he didn't look up. Instead he just looked into the murky brown depths of his hot chocolate. He didn't know what to say. He didn't know how to express himself. He was just exhausted from the fear he'd felt during the day. He was glad that he had gone to the house instead of having visions. It would have been too much.

Kurt felt the couch sink down next to him and Adam's warm arm wrap around his waist. He asked him, "Ariel, are you alright?"

Kurt shook his head and requested, "Can we please call the first kiss we shared here my first kiss?"

"Why?"

"Just, please, tell me it was my first kiss. Confirm it to me. Please!"

Adam gently removed the cup of hot chocolate from Kurt's grip and carefully placed it off to the side. He sat down on the couch and pulled Kurt into his arms. He asked again, "Why are you asking, Ariel?"

Kurt gave in. "A guy at school kissed me today."

"Isn't that good? That means you aren't alone after all."

Kurt pushed away from Adam and yelled, "No! I didn't want it! He's a closeted bully who makes my life miserable! How could I ever want that?" Kurt's eyes misted over. "It didn't feel anything like our kisses. It wasn't gentle or sweet. It was forceful and I didn't want it!"

Adam pulled him into a hug and rubbed his back soothingly. "It's okay. Everything will be fine. Tell me, did our first kiss mean something to you?"

Kurt nodded minutely.

"Would you like it to be your first kiss?"

Kurt nodded again.

"Then it's your first kiss."

Kurt blinked. "Huh?"

"The first kiss is all about intent. When we're babies and small children we kiss lots of girls and boys. If you kissed a boy before you understood any more than you thought he was cute or sweet and wanted to show your affection somehow – does that count as your first kiss? If it does, then a lot of people have already had theirs before they're out of their terrible twos. We have a picture of me kissing another boy when I was a year old. I never counted that as my first kiss though. So, yes, your first kiss was with mine. The one with him doesn't count because you didn't want it. Any type of sexual harassment doesn't count."

Kurt hesitated. "But part of me wanted it."

Adam cajoled, "Ariel, was that really part of _you_?"

"Huh?"

"Think back, was that you who wanted it, or were you picking up on what he wanted?"

"I don't understand. I know what I was feeling!" Kurt replied defensively.

"That's great. Then you're better than I am at keeping them separated. I remember there was a guy I dated a while. Whenever I was around him I felt like I was head over heels in love with him. Whenever I wasn't, I felt nothing for him. It took me a long time to figure out that I didn't actually love him. My lack of feelings for him were just overpowered by his intense feelings for me. Now, I ask you again, think back, did any part of you really want it?"

Kurt thought back, away from Karofsky and his emotions. He shook his head. "No, I didn't. At least now I know what the strange feeling I felt coming from him is."

"What is it?"

Kurt shuddered. "Lust and fear."

Adam's gaze grew intense. "Ariel, you have to promise me, if it gets too dangerous – tell your dad and get out of there."

"I won't run away!"

"Ariel! Those who run away live to fight another day! He's scared. Who knows what he'll do now that you know his secret? The secret used to hold him back I'm sure. Now nothing's holding him back. You'll be completely at his mercy. Ariel, can you honestly tell me that you can protect yourself from him if push comes to shove?" Adam demanded.

"Well, no… but… my glee club needs me."

"You have to put yourself first, Ariel. Promise me you'll get out of there before it's too late. I don't want him to seriously harm you."

Kurt nodded. "I promise." There was a moment of silence. "On the plus side I met another gay boy at another school nearby when I was spying on them. He's out and kinda cute."

Adam offered him a trembling half-smile. "I wish it was me."

Kurt grimaced. "So do I, Adam. But unfortunately we haven't found each other in real life yet. You're the one who told me we should date others until we find each other."

"Yeah, but that doesn't stop me from being a bit jealous of them being able to be near you, when that's the thing I wish for most in the world." Adam stroked Kurt's cheek with the back of his index-finger.

Kurt brought their lips together. "You and me both, Adam. No matter whom I date, I don't think I'll ever love them as much as I love you, though."

"Same here. I have dated others and…" he faltered. "I don't know how to explain it, but there's just something missing.

Kurt smiled. "I'm glad. I don't really want to share you with someone else on that level."

"Jealous?" Adam teased.

Kurt turned away from him, his cheeks flushed.

Adam pulled Kurt into a hug. "You don't have to be embarrassed. I'd be jealous of any boyfriend you had too."

"Really?"

"Truly."

Kurt's expression grew brighter. "Is it strange that that makes me feel really good: That I like it that you'd be jealous?"

"No. It reminds you that I care."

Kurt smiled as he felt his heart skip a beat. "Yeah." He let himself sink into Adam's arms, cuddling into the warmth. "Can we just stay like this?"

"Of course, Ariel. Anytime."

Kurt's smile widened as he rested his head on Adam's chest, hearing his calming steady heartbeat. "This is nice."

"It is." Adam remained silent for a few minutes. He then stated in a jovial tone, "You know, Ariel, you and being in America have been a bad influence on me."

Kurt giggled. "We have, have we? How?"

"My English is slowly deteriorating. More and more I'm using American expressions instead of British ones. I barely noticed until talking to my mom on the phone the other day. She chastised me for forgetting my proper English."

Kurt snorted elegantly. "What did you say?"

"Yeah."

Kurt giggled. "That sounds so funny when you say it with a British accent."

Adam chastised, half-seriously, "You aren't helping at all."

"I think it's cute. Besides, you've worn off on me too, though it used to be worse. Remember, you convinced me to say vitamin your way when we'd just met. I was only eight and I thought you knew what you were talking about until my dad corrected me too."

Adam's smile turned a little mischievous. "It was entertaining."

Kurt huffed in fake indignation, though he couldn't rid himself completely of the smile. "For _you_. _I_ was utterly mortified."

With a twinkle in his eye, Adam sang 'Let's Call the Whole Thing Off' from the musical 'Shall We Dance',

"_Things have come to a pretty pass,  
Our romance is growing flat,  
For you like this and the other  
While I go for this and that.  
Goodness knows what the end will be;  
Oh, I don't know where I'm at…  
It looks as if we two will never be one,  
Something must be done. _

"_You say eether and I say eyether,  
You say neether and I say nyther;  
Eether, eyether, neether, nyther,  
Let's call the whole thing off!  
You like potato and I like potahto,  
You like tomato and I like tomahto;  
Potato, potahto, tomato, tomahto!  
Let's call the whole thing off!  
_

"_But oh! If we call the whole thing off,  
Then we must part.  
And oh! If we ever part,  
Then that might break my heart!  
So, if you like pajamas and I like pajahmas,  
I'll wear pajamas and give up pajahmas.  
For we know we need each other,  
So we better call the calling off off.  
Let's call the whole thing off! _

"_You say laughter and I say lawfter,  
You say after and I say awfter;  
Laughter, lawfter, after, awfter,  
Let's call the whole thing off!  
You like vanilla and I like vanella,  
You, sa's'parilla and I sa's'parella;  
Vanilla, vanella, Choc'late, strawb'ry!  
Let's call the whole thing off!  
_

"_But oh! If we call the whole thing off,  
Then we must part.  
And oh! If we ever part,  
Then that might break my heart!  
So, if you go for oysters and I go for ersters  
I'll order oysters and cancel the ersters.  
For we know we need each other,  
So we better call the calling off off!  
Let's call the whole thing off!"_

Kurt giggled. "Sometimes I really hate you, you know."

Adam clutched at his heart in dismay. "Oh, no! Is there anything I can do get your love back?"

"Kiss me. Remind me what a real kiss should be like."

Adam's smile dimmed slightly and he nodded, before leaning in to capture Kurt's lips in a soft gentle kiss. Kurt closed his eyes as the familiar feeling of warmth, comfort and love flowed back and forth between the two of them. There was nowhere he'd rather be at that moment, except for wherever Adam's physical body was.

Ever so slowly, the emotional wound caused by Karofsky's actions began to mend. Kurt knew it would leave another scar on his psyche, but at least it would heal. As long as he had Adam, he would be fine.

_ooo_

When Kurt awoke that day, he knew that he was ready to confront Karofsky with Blaine, like the other boy wanted. He didn't really want to, but hoped it would help his bully come to terms with his feelings. He hoped that if he could help him make peace, he might stop the bullying. Certainly, that didn't mean that Kurt wouldn't be bullied at all anymore, but one less bully was still an improvement. He already knew that from when Puck had joined the New Directions.

_ooo_

Unfortunately, things didn't go that well with Karofsky. Instead of letting it go and giving up on bullying Kurt, he brought things to a new height. His fear was so intense that it managed to bleed into Kurt, heightening his own fear almost into a panic. Kurt constantly felt Karofsky's fear of being discovered and his self-hatred for being attracted to the same gender. He felt the hatred that Karofsky aimed at him because he was attracted to Kurt and wanted him in ways he couldn't accept.

Kurt was scared to do anything to set him off. So, instead of fighting back like he always had, he pulled back. He let Karofsky have his way with him: shoving him around, stealing his stuff. Kurt was scared that he would follow through on his threat to kill him, or even just hurt him in some fashion. He knew he had the power to end it all. He could out Karofsky. If he actually did kill him, then he wouldn't exactly have committed suicide. He could finally be free of his visions, of feeling and hearing things from other people that he didn't want to know.

The one thing holding him back from doing that, though, was Karofsky. Kurt didn't want to out him. He wanted to help him find peace with who he was. He wanted him to be able to break free from all his homophobic thoughts. Kurt understood how difficult it was coming out – and he'd had his empathy to help him out. He couldn't even imagine what it must be like coming out without that reassurance.

On the positive side, though, he was spending more time with Blaine. He'd started to develop butterflies in his stomach whenever around him. He hoped that maybe the two of them would get together.

The only thing that bothered him, was that the way Blaine acted and the way he acted didn't always fit together. For instance, one time they'd been at the mall together, they'd seen a lesbian couple holding hands and exchanging a few sweet kisses. Blaine had gone on and on about how wonderful it was that they could do that; and yet, Kurt felt that he had a deep-set disapproval for the PDA. When Kurt would remark about hetero couples, though, Blaine would be ambivalent about them. Sometimes Blaine would flirt mercilessly with Kurt, but there was only boredom and a sense of obligation behind it. It was almost as if Blaine had the feeling that he had to flirt with Kurt because they were both gay.

Still, there were times when Blaine was extremely sweet and charming. Sometimes he'd just burst out into song in the middle of a parking lot or park, dancing around and trying to find stuff he could jump on. Those were the times Kurt loved the most, because he felt carefree and light as he laughingly joined in.

Kurt knew that Blaine didn't have feelings for him. He just liked the way Kurt made him feel. Still, even if they remained friend-zoned all their lives, Kurt wouldn't regret the time they spent together. After all, he had someone else who was waiting for him and whom he was waiting for. He didn't really need Blaine as long as he had Adam. No matter if he'd _really_ like to have a boyfriend who was around, it was nice to have a friend he could talk to – who understood him. He knew that Blaine couldn't help it that he didn't share Kurt's feelings, so it was unnecessary to bring them up. It's not like it would change anything.

_ooo_

It was shortly after Miss Holiday became their substitute teacher; Burt, Kurt and Carol were eating supper together. Finn was off on a date with Rachel. Over desert, Burt asked her point-blank, "Carol, do you believe in psychics?"

She blinked and replied, "I don't know. I've never known one, so how can I judge?"

Kurt sent his father an alarmed glance. Sure, he'd been asking her questions and whatnot, but he'd never really asked a direct question like that.

Burt slipped a hand under the table to rest on Kurt's thigh; Kurt felt his anxiety and fear coupled with simple love. He reached down to clasp his father's hand for reassurance; though he wasn't sure if it was for him or his father.

Burt sighed and replied, "Good question." He reached for his hat, only to realize that he'd taken it off for supper. "Okay, um, I've thought about telling you this. It's never been a good time though. Before I tell you, though, you have to promise never to tell anyone – including Finn."

"Why?" Carol asked.

Kurt rolled his eyes and replied, "Because Finn doesn't know how to keep a secret. Just look at how he acted about the whole pregnancy thing with Quinn. He was the one who told her parents and got her thrown out. Not to mention, that I heard him tell Puck right after she told him not to tell anyone."

"He told me too when I caught him singing to a sonogram." She paused. "I guess I can see your point. In that case, I promise not to tell anyone."

Burt set his shoulders and looked her in the eye. "The thing about you not knowing any psychics – that's not exactly true."

Carol frowned. "I don't understand."

"Kurt's mother was one as well as most of her family. They are and were empaths."

"But I don't know any of them," she insisted.

"Yes, you do."

She furrowed her brows in confusion until realization dawned on her and she looked at Kurt. In a slightly strained voice she replied, "Oh, okay. Is that all?"

"No. In addition to that, my grandmother was clairvoyant. It skipped a few generations, but Kurt got that as well. I have a much weaker version of the gift. I just know when someone I love is in danger. It's –" he breathed deeply and Kurt felt the anguish and memories he was fighting down, "it's come in handy before. Not always. It didn't help me save Elizabeth. But I've been able to save others." Kurt noticed his father's gaze dodge to Kurt.

Apparently Carol also noticed and asked, "You saved Kurt? From what?"

Burt turned to look at Kurt, asking for permission to answer. Instead, Kurt swallowed and concentrated on the debris of pie on his plate. His left hand clenched his father's as he played with the flakes of pie crust with his fork. "I took an overdose of sleeping pills in my freshman year."

Carol gasped and paled. "What?"

Kurt glared at his significantly smaller flakes of crust. "You heard me. Don't make me say it again. And don't berate me for doing it. I've heard it all before. I know it was stupid, but I was so tired of the bullying, the hate, the visions – everything. I've been seeing Eliza since then and that's helped. I'm not depressed though, unless I'm near someone who is. I'm dealing. It's just – difficult sometimes."

Carol's eyes grew wet and Kurt felt a mixture of sympathy and pity. "Oh, Kurt…"

Kurt's eyes narrowed. "Don't pity me!"

"I –"

He cut her off, "Don't give me any excuses. I know better. I _know_ what you're feeling."

She reached out touch and comfort him. "I'm sorry. For everything."

Kurt turned away from her. "It's not your fault. I was just born this way. You know: gay and psychic."

Carol paused, a whirl of emotions swirling around inside her. "I think I need time to digest this. I – I don't know how to react. I won't leave. I just need time. Is it okay if I go for a walk?"

Burt nodded. "Take all the time you want. We'll be here when you get back."

Kurt watched as the woman put on her coat and shoes, stepping out into the late autumn night. He soothed his father's pain and fear after she left, promising him that she'd be back soon.

_ooo_

About an hour later, they were sitting in front of the TV. Burt had indulged in Kurt, letting the boy pick out the movie. He'd first wanted to put on Rent, before remembering that his father hated that musical, because of the possibilities it represented for Kurt's future. So, instead he put on 'Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?' hoping that the mixture of comedy, musical and western would appease his father as well as himself.

Suddenly Kurt was torn away from the scene where the escaped prisoners were singing as the Soggy Bottom Boys were on the radio. He saw Carol sitting on a park bench. The person, whose eyes he was watching through, was looking at her in hunger and full of greed. Kurt looked around to try and identify which park it was and was glad to notice that it was the one closest to them. He reached out mentally for his father and yelled at him, telling him where to go. He could only hope that the message would get through.

He helplessly watched as the body he was seeing from slowly left the bushes he was hiding in. Kurt felt him reach into his pocket to pull out a knife. While reaching in, he lovingly caressed a little bag that Kurt realized contained heroin. Mentally the addict was telling himself that after he got the money off of the woman and used her, he'd get himself another fix. The last one was starting to wear off.

He figured that might help him though. Women were always prone to want to help people. It was one of the oldest and best tricks. He felt a muscle cramp in his leg and allowed it to pull him to the ground. He had to get this over with soon so he could have his next fix. He shivered. Maybe he'd let himself have the fix after he took her money and before he used her. He'd just knock her out in the meantime and then use her when he was sailing on his high.

He felt like puking, but held it back, and his headache was growing worse. He had to try to concentrate though: past his erection, past his aches and pains. His heroin was burning a hole in his pocket. He wanted to use it now. But he had to get some more money for his next fix. He needed it. He shivered again, though the perspiration was evident on his skin. He groaned as another wave of pain wracked his body.

True to form, the woman had left the bench to hurry towards him. She was asking him all sorts of questions he couldn't understand due to the incessant ringing in his ears. The only thing he registered was that she was some kind of nurse. He pulled his knife out and held it up to her, demanding that she give him her money. She trembled in fear and a delicious feeling of power came over him, making him forget his desire for smack for a moment. His erection was at the forefront of his mind and he thought that maybe he'd use her first and then get the money off of her.

Kurt pushed the thoughts of the heroin back to the foreground of the addict's mind in an attempt to give his father more time to get there. He sighed slightly in relief as his manipulations worked on the confused brain. He'd never tried doing that before and was glad it worked, even if it made him feel sick to manipulate someone like that. He had to give his dad time.

The addict was fumbling all over Carol's body, trying to find where she had hidden her purse or wallet or any money. He grew increasingly frantic as he discovered that she hadn't taken it with her. She didn't have the money on her to pay for his next high. He grew angry. How dare she leave without any money? How could she do this to him?

He was shocked when suddenly there was a large burly man pulling him off of her, holding his arms behind him. He heard sirens approaching shortly thereafter and struggled to get free. But his body wasn't playing along. He needed a fix. He needed it right then. He felt weak and tired as he tried to fight the man off. He yawned. For a moment he forgot that he was being held securely and tried to scratch the itch that had just formed on his knee. He couldn't reach it though, because the stupid man was holding his arms. Unable to hold it back anymore, he threw up all over himself, wishing the man had been in front of him instead of behind him, so that he could throw up all over him as well.

Kurt felt relief flood him as he noticed his father had arrived to help Carol. Unable to leave quite yet, he watched and distanced himself from the addict's emotions and pain as well as he could. When the police arrived he felt the strong desire leak through to turn the knife on himself, rather than be separated from his smack. Luckily, for Kurt, it didn't get that far.

The police took him in and discovered the bag of white powder in his pocket. Kurt felt the overwhelming anger and fear run through him as they took it away and the realization that he'd be sent to some rehab center that wouldn't help at all before maybe spending time in jail. He didn't want that. Kurt felt him manage to break free from their grip, grab one of the guns and turn it on himself. Before anyone could react he and Kurt felt the few seconds before he died, as the bullet traveled through his brain.

_ooo_

Kurt woke up in the seat of his dad's truck, trembling. His skin was clammy and his clothes drenched with sweat. He felt like puking as he had a flashback to his mother's death, as the branch of the tree had pierced her skull. He skittered out of the truck and quickly found himself on his hands and knees, throwing up his supper as tears streaked down his face.

Just as he began to painfully dry heave between his sobs, his father and Carol found him. He was holding her closely and she was utterly traumatized. Still, the moment she saw him, he became the center of her world as she went into mothering-mode and rushed to him. She bit back her own tears as she gently stroked his back. His father reached into his pocket to remove a pack of paper handkerchiefs. He gently wiped off Kurt's face, before grabbing a bottle of water out of the truck, from behind its seat. He opened it and handed it to Kurt.

Carol asked, "Are you okay?"

Kurt shook his head. "The way – the way he died – too similar. Almost like – like mom." Finally the dry heaves stopped and Kurt took a sip from the water bottle. He steadied his voice slightly, "Are you okay, Carole?"

"What? I – I'll be fine." She gave them a strained smile. "Luckily I have you two psychics to look out for me." She gave a humorless laugh.

Kurt nodded. "He was going to rape you. He couldn't quite decide what order to do things in. I – I _manipulated_ him. It felt so wrong. It _was_ wrong. But he was going to rape you. I had to give dad more time. How can someone wrong be right? But it was. And I'd do it again. I know I would; if I knew the victim. But it was just so utterly wrong at the same time. And then his death – mommy –" Kurt turned around so he could hug Carol, absentmindedly careful not to get any of the vomit on his clothes.

He heard his father mutter, "Oh, buddy –" before pulling both of them into a hug as well.

After a few moments, Carol asked, "You saw your mother's death?"

Kurt nodded. "Through her eyes and I felt everything she felt."

She inquired, "And you were only eight?"

Kurt nodded again.

"Oh, shit."

They sat there a while, gathering comfort from each other, before Burt packed them all up in the car and they set off home. The next day they were scheduled to drive to Toledo. There would be more than enough time to discuss things there when they'd have Eliza to mediate and help them get over this. One thing was for certain, though, Kurt knew for certain now that Carol accepted him and his abilities completely. She believed in them and wanted nothing more than to comfort him as if he were her son. He could handle that. As a matter of fact, it was kind of nice. It was almost like having a mother again.


	11. Chapter 11

**Title:** Chasing Dreams

**Beta-reader: **onthaedge (lj)

**Artist: **marsmaywander (tumblr)

**Pairing: **Kadam

**Warnings:** suicide attempt and ideation, mentioned non-con towards adults and children, violence, pagan beliefs

**Author's Note: **This story was written for the Kurt Big Bang.

A thousand thanks to my beta and artist for choosing to work with me. It's been amazing. :)

Additionally, I don't own Glee. Never have and never will. If I did, there'd be some changes.

_ooo_

**Chapter Eleven**

It was of no surprise to Kurt when his father pulled him and Finn out from class to tell them that he and Carol were going to get married. As a matter of fact, he rather expected it after he'd gone to the trouble of telling Carol about the family abilities.

Kurt also knew that Carol wanted to have another baby – she'd always wanted to have another kid, but after Finn's father had passed away, she'd figured that it was never going to happen. With the promise of a new marriage, she hoped that her dream might finally come true. Kurt, for his part, would welcome another sibling. He didn't know how Finn would handle it though.

Kurt figured that at least the kid would likely only inherit the same sense for danger that his father had. The fact that there had been several generations between him and his grandmother spoke for the idea that any baby likely wouldn't have to worry about having visions like Kurt. Carol was worried that it was too late for her though, since she was in her late thirties. Kurt hoped that she would eventually bring it up to his father. He knew his father would never say no. After all, he loved kids.

Kurt was over the moon about being able to plan his father's wedding. Kurt and Burt's connection with Carol had deepened since they'd saved her. After they'd arrived home, Burt had told her how he'd had a bad feeling and Kurt had suddenly slipped into one of his visions. He'd been conflicted what to do – try and find her or stay to take care of Kurt. In the end, Kurt telling him where to find her had sealed the deal. He'd put Kurt in the truck, buckled him up, and had gone out to find and rescue her. She'd talked things over with Eliza that weekend and things had settled.

The one thing Kurt had not expected was for his father to find out about Karofsky – though he didn't tell him everything. He hadn't told anyone everything – not even Adam. Blaine and Adam knew about the original kiss. Neither of them knew about the death threats or stalking. After Burt phoned Eliza later that night, Kurt got a real dressing-down for not have at least confided in her about it.

Shortly after the wedding, Kurt found out that Karofsky was returning. He had a small panic attack. He didn't understand why, though. After all, he was just in the same boat as before. It shouldn't be different now than it was before. According to Eliza, though, the reason he had it was because he thought he was free and then it had come swooping back. While he'd gradually gotten used to the fear, he hadn't had to deal with it for a bit. When it all returned at once, it was too much.

Kurt's father and Carol debated various options of where to send Kurt. They didn't really want to homeschool him, unless it was as a last resort. Neither of them really had the time to watch over him and help him learn the material. That meant hiring tutors and teachers, which they couldn't really afford. The other options were various schools nearby. Kurt refused to go to Carmel High, citing that he didn't want to become an automaton drone like the rest of Vocal Adrenaline.

In the end it was decided that Kurt would go to Dalton. He had a friend there and they had an anti-bullying policy. Kurt hated to break it to his friends – especially right before Sectionals – but he didn't have any choice. The next few weeks were crazy as he'd studied like mad for various tests for scholarships at Dalton, of which he'd scored a few. The best one was his French scholarship. The teacher had taken one look at his scores, had conversed with him in French for half an hour and deemed him well enough to test out of French. He had done the test and she'd organized a big French scholarship for him in return for tutoring her students in his free time.

He was surprised that he was allowed to apply for scholarships in the middle of the year, but it was explained to him that they'd had way too many mid-student transfers, due to their anti-bullying policy, to only hand them out at the beginning of a semester. A lot of them were from poorer families, who were scrounging where they could to get the money together to pay for keeping their kid safe. That's why they had the scholarships. The only rich children that actually got scholarships were the ones who were head of their class.

It didn't take long for Kurt to realize that they were talking about people needing the scholarships in a relative way – namely over the entire time Dalton had been around. There were only a few kids like him, who didn't come from rich families. Even though there wasn't any outright bullying, Kurt didn't feel comfortable.

Most of the rich kids looked down on him for being a scholarship student. The other scholarship students welcomed him into their folds, but he didn't share a lot of interests with them. Mostly they just studied together, to make sure to keep their scholarships.

The Warblers were a little too stuffy for Kurt's comfort. He was used to the easy way the New Directions acted. Having known Blaine outside of Dalton, he expected him to be similar. However, inside Dalton, he tried to act the same as everyone else. He'd rarely ever completely let loose. Kurt started to treasure his memories of the carefree Blaine who sang and danced in parking lots.

Kurt finally understood the duality of Blaine's personality. He acted according to what he thought was how other people expected him to. He played a role to be better accepted. He wasn't really true to himself. The times he'd let go were the times where he gave up the pretense – and that was the Blaine Kurt liked. That was the Blaine that gave Kurt butterflies in his stomach – sometimes. The thing that continued to bug him is that Blaine had very set ideas of conduct. Anyone who didn't hold to them, he looked down on. Everything had to be organized, structured and planned. He planned and scheduled everything.

Kurt, for his part, found this rather annoying. He was a free spirit. He didn't want to be tied down by rules and regulations. They were there to be bent. That's one of the reasons he wore the clothes he did. He wanted to provoke people – get them to leave their set ideas of what should and shouldn't be. He figured that was the first step to curing them of their homophobia.

As time went on, Kurt's crush started to diminish. It was becoming more and more clear to him that Blaine wouldn't ever return his feelings. At least it was, until he started harboring romantic feelings for someone. Kurt had thought they might have a chance then and had opened up, only to find out they were for another guy. And, seriously, how was Kurt supposed to know who they were for if the information wasn't being broadcast by Blaine's mind.

The last straw was when Blaine chose Rachel over Kurt – despite the fact that he was gay. Kurt knew he was. There was no physical attraction that Blaine experienced when he looked at girls. Kurt had felt it from other guys, so he knew what he was talking about. He knew that Brittany felt that attraction towards girls and guys. So he was fine with bisexuals – if they actually were bisexual and not trying to be something they weren't.

Kurt was almost over Blaine, when Pavarotti died and suddenly Blaine seemed to actually see him. Suddenly he knew he was the center of Blaine's world. He didn't understand, but he'd felt the shift. He was there when it happened.

When he kissed Blaine, it was different from kissing Adam. When he kissed Adam it was like he was in Adam and Adam was in him. Half of that was missing with Blaine: Blaine didn't sink into him the same way. Kurt wondered passively if that was because Blaine wasn't psychic like him or if it was normal for physical relationships in contrast to psychic ones.

Occasionally, he'd find himself wishing that it was Adam there instead of Blaine, and would have to turn those thoughts off. They weren't fair to Blaine. He shouldn't be comparing them like that. He couldn't stop though. The person he really wanted was Adam; Blaine was just a placeholder until Adam came along – if he came along.

Eliza had grown worried about Kurt and his growing apathy towards things in life. She prescribed him a low dose of anti-depressants again, which she took him off of shortly after he returned to McKinley, because he was much happier again. He had slowly been suffocating at Dalton. McKinley was like a breath of fresh air to him.

_ooo_

Time continued to pass quickly. Kurt, much to his dismay, was elected Prom Queen. They went to New York, where Kurt fell in love with the city of his dreams. Summer vacation came and went and he found himself in his senior year. At this time, Kurt had grown attached to Blaine, but still wasn't able to return his statements of love. Instead, he'd say something that Blaine would read to mean that he loved him as well.

The main thing he was worried about, though, was their sex-life. He knew it was stupid to want to wait for Adam. He was still a guy though and so was Blaine. He wanted to experience it and Adam refused to show him while they were in their childhood forms.

When Sebastian entered the picture, though, he grew even more afraid. Despite his inhibitions, he slept with Blaine. It was gentle and sweet. Something shifted in him and suddenly he found himself able to return Blaine's words of love. More and more often he found himself picking up and acting on Blaine's thoughts and feelings. Blaine loved it, so Kurt kept on doing it.


	12. Chapter 12

**Title:** Chasing Dreams

**Beta-reader: **onthaedge (lj)

**Artist: **marsmaywander (tumblr)

**Pairing: **Kadam

**Warnings:** suicide attempt and ideation, mentioned non-con towards adults and children, violence, pagan beliefs

**Author's Note: **This story was written for the Kurt Big Bang.

A thousand thanks to my beta and artist for choosing to work with me. It's been amazing. :)

Additionally, I don't own Glee. Never have and never will. If I did, there'd be some changes.

_ooo_

**Chapter Twelve**

Before Kurt knew it, another year had passed. He graduated and found out that he didn't have a place to go to college. Still, at Blaine and Adam's urging he went to New York anyways, where he found an internship at .

It was hardly a month into his stay in New York that Kurt had another vision and Kurt felt that his world had fallen apart. Though he tried to block it out of his mind, he still could perfectly recall the look of pleasure on Blaine's face – from another boy's eyes. Blaine had cheated on him. Kurt didn't understand why, but he'd felt Blaine's emotions. He'd been anything but regretful until after a few rounds. Then they'd had another romp in the morning before Blaine left, feeling like crap. The only condolence to Kurt was that they had used protection.

Kurt felt hollow inside. Blaine had cheated on him. He wondered if it was something he'd done. Sure, he'd felt how lonely Blaine was, but he was lonely too. At least Blaine had his family and the remainder of the New Directions there with him. Kurt only had Rachel and the new connections he'd built. Maybe he wasn't good enough to keep Blaine's attention while they were separated.

A thought crept up on Kurt. He wondered what it was that Blaine was missing. Was it him, or was it his ability to read him so well? Would Blaine have cheated before if Kurt wasn't a psychic? Not knowing what else to do, he called in sick the day after that vision and phoned Eliza on her cell phone. He got her answering machine and left a message for her, "Please call me back. I need you."

It was a short while later, that she called back. "Hi Kurt. Why aren't you at work?"

"I had a vision last night."

"What was it?"

"It was Blaine. He –" Kurt choked on his words and he shuddered and sniffled.

She cajoled, "What did he do, Kurt? Come on, tell me."

"He – he cheated."

He pulled the phone away from his ear, to avoid damaging his ears as she yelled, "I'm going to skin that boy alive! How dare he?"

Kurt insisted, "He regretted it – in the end. And he used protection. He was careful."

She scoffed. "Careful. Hah! You know how easily condoms can rupture – especially during anal sex? They're not one hundred percent safe! Sure, they're better than nothing, but he shouldn't have done that! And you saw it all?"

Kurt meekly answered, "Yeah. But he doesn't know. I haven't told him yet."

She exclaimed, "That's no excuse! I have half a mind to take off and tan that boy's hide!"

"But, Eliza, how do you explain how you know? How do I explain how I know? I'm not supposed to know what he's doing! He's supposed to come here next weekend. How do I act? I haven't told him! I haven't told Rachel either. She thinks the reason I threw up after I came out of the vision was because I'm sick."

"Break up with him."

Kurt did a double-take. "What?"

"I told you, break up with him. It's simple and easy. When he comes to New York, you break up with him. You tell him the distance isn't working and end it."

"I can't do that. If I do – just think about what people will think of me. They'll put the blame on _me_. _I'm_ not the one who cheated!"

She grumbled. "You care way too much about what others think of you, Kurt. You have to be your first priority. If you aren't happy, then it's not worth it."

"The only person I'll ever really be happy with is Adam. But I don't know where he is!"

"You mean you still haven't picked up on the hint he gave you?"

"What?" Kurt blinked.

"He told you to go to New York. That means, he's probably there too."

Kurt bit his lip. "I thought he was just telling me to pursue my dreams."

She sighed. "He can't tell you where he is. But he could obviously tell you where to go. You'll find him in New York. I'm almost certain. Now, are you willing leave that dead-weight boyfriend of yours?"

Kurt shook his head before realizing that she couldn't see it."I can't. I have to live with Rachel. If she takes his side –"

He could practically see her rolling her eyes at him. "Okay, fine. Then you manipulate him into telling you."

"No! I'm not doing that again! It's wrong!" Kurt replied aghast.

"What are you talking about? I'm not telling you to do anything fancy schmancy. I'm telling you to do the same thing any woman or man knows how to do with their partner. You said he's feeling guilty, right?"

Kurt replied hesitantly, "Yeah."

"Well, then you use that. Prod at him, note what he's sensitive about and what not. If need be, watch some movie with him that involves cheating in some form or another. You can bring up Sebastian and the way he flirted with Blaine, if you want. Use everything at your disposal to get him to confess. That way you can break up with him and have a reason for it."

Kurt picked with the hem of his shirt. "I guess, it still doesn't feel right though."

"Kurt, honey, he cheated on you. That isn't right either," she insisted.

"I guess –"

Eliza gave a long exasperated sigh. "Kurt, sometimes you're so much like your mother that you drive me to despair. Way too nice. It's the thing that I loved and hated about her the most. God, I never knew I'd end up as a couple's counselor when I got my degree. Look, are you happy with him?"

Kurt's reply was instant. "I am when I'm with him."

"Okay. And when you're separated?"

Kurt took a moment to think. "I used to wonder why I was with him. When things evolved, I just felt a faint echo of the happiness I experienced around him."

"Do you trust him?"

Kurt didn't even have to think about that. "No, I don't. I can't; not anymore. He cheated."

"Then break up with him."

"But isn't it kinda mean to break up with someone when they came out to visit you in New York?"

"You want to break up with him on Skype, via text message or a phone call?"

"No! He doesn't deserve that!"

"Well, then I guess you should break up with him when he's there. Otherwise, you'll have to wait until the next time you see each other."

"Okay, fine, I'll do it. After he confesses."

"Fine. I'll take what I can get. God, you're so interested in your reputation. You're in New York. Make new friends. If your old friends can't accept you, then dump them. They're not worth it and there are tons of people looking for roommates in New York."

"They're my friends. I don't want to lose them. I remember what it was like not to have any. I don't want to go back there. I can't go back there. Not now that I know what it's like to have them."

"Haven't you made any new friends at work?"

"Well, yeah: my boss, for instance."

"There you go. You won't be alone."

Kurt stopped himself from biting his lip again, not wanting to ruin his lips. Instead, he went to the kitchen and grabbed a tub of ice cream. "I guess. I just – I don't want to lose them. We've been through so much. If I broke up with him, they'd probably accuse me of cheating – again. Even though it was Blaine who cheated and I never have."

She replied incredulously, "And none of them ever cheated? He, or she in this case, who is without sin among you, let him cast the first stone."

Kurt rolled his eyes. "I know, I know, but our Glee club never worked like that. People were cheating left and right and everyone would always condemn it – whether they'd cheated or helped someone to cheat or not. It's just the way it always was. I know that for a matter of fact. I saw it happen more than once."

Kurt heard her sigh again on the other side of the phone. "Okay, look, Kurt. You have to know best. I can only give you advice. My break is finished and my next appointment is here. If you have to, then force him to tell you what's going on. But get him out of your life somehow. If you need more advice, then call me after my working hours. And go back to work tomorrow. If it's really necessary, I'll prescribe you medication again. But I sincerely doubt that you want that. _I_ don't want that."

Kurt replied resolutely, "I don't want that either." He sighed. "I keep talking about wanting to become an actor;" he paused before amending, "Singer and actor. I guess it's time to start acting. Time to make people think I'm fine. It should be easy. I've done it all my life towards everyone who wasn't in the know, when they caught me after one of my more horrible visions."

"Yeah. I wish you dind't have to though. So, talk to you soon."

"Well, that's my lot in life. But, yeah, we'll talk soon. You know, I miss our weekends."

"So do I, Kurt."

"Bye."

"Talk to you soon."

Kurt hung up the phone and flopped back on the bed he'd been sitting on, holding the phone in his hand. When it blanked out he activated it again, only to see the picture on the unlocking screen. It was of him and Blaine right before he'd left. In a fit of anger, Kurt entered his code and changed the picture back to one of the sketches of Adam he'd drawn and scanned in.

It was one of the pictures of him as a pre-teen and there was nothing suggestive about it. It was just of one of the moments they'd spent outside by the pond. Adam had been extremely playful that day and had scooped up a handful of water to toss at Kurt. Most of it didn't even make it out of the pond, but a few drops had splashed Kurt. They'd proceeded to throw droplets at each other and, if they were both close enough to the pond, splash at each other, while carefully avoiding the lily pads and algae.

The picture captured Adam laughing while holding his hand in front of his eyes to protect them from a few beads of water that shone in the light of the full moon. It was one of Kurt's favorite pictures he'd drawn of Adam. There were also several in which he'd tried to estimate what Adam might look like older. All those sketches looked completely different. He wondered if any of them came close to the truth. Kurt was glad that Blaine had never managed to find any of his pictures and sketches. He'd hidden them fairly well, but Blaine liked to look through his stuff whenever he was around – and sometimes when he wasn't. To be sure they'd remain undiscovered; he'd taken them with to New York. He just hoped he wouldn't regret it.

_ooo_

Kurt put up a good act of being fine. Sure, he answered even less of Blaine's phone calls than before, preferring to text. It was easier to act like everything was alright that way. When Blaine arrived, Kurt realized just how well Eliza had advised him. He'd acted out of character and it had been almost too easy to get Blaine to confess. Afterwards, Kurt was finally able to show his grief to the world. It was a big relief. He'd never known how difficult it was to act all the time and wondered how Blaine managed it. Still, Kurt was determined to get over Blaine.

As time passed, though, Kurt started to despair. Things weren't getting better. He was just as hung up on Blaine as he had been – as a matter of fact, sometimes he had the feeling that the feelings were growing instead of dissipating. He wondered if he'd ever get over his ex, if the distance truly only made the heart grow fonder. He wanted to be over Blaine. Sometimes he thought he'd managed it for a while, until another stab of pain and love would echo through him and remind him.

So, he tried to fill his schedule to the brim. He worked hard at his internship and in the evening he waited tables. He wanted to make sure that he'd have enough money on the side for when he started college. The fact that it distracted him from missing Blaine was secondary: really, it was. Now, if only he could convince himself and Rachel of that fact.

He really loved his internship at and adored Isabelle. She was fresh, fun and honest, but not blunt and she was always willing to listen and advise him. He couldn't have asked for a better boss. Sure, he'd seen her competitive spirit at times, when it was called for. After all, if she didn't have those characteristics, she never would have risen to her position. Still, she didn't try to hide it and Kurt really liked that. He always knew where he stood with her and hardly even needed his empathy around her.

When he finally was accepted into NYADA and he had to give up his job waiting tables, Isabelle gave him flexible hours until they could figure out what hours he'd be able to cover. He still had to do a certain amount of hours of work, but he could decide himself when he wanted to do them. Kurt was very happy he wouldn't have to give up the internship he loved so much. He hoped that he'd eventually move from intern to part-time employee and, if he could trust Isabelle, which he knew he could, was almost inevitable. She knew that he knew fashion and trusted his judgment. So, it was with a light heart that Kurt went to his first day of school at NYADA.


	13. Chapter 13

**Title:** Chasing Dreams

**Beta-reader: **onthaedge (lj)

**Artist: **marsmaywander (tumblr)

**Pairing: **Kadam

**Warnings:** suicide attempt and ideation, mentioned non-con towards adults and children, violence, pagan beliefs

**Author's Note: **This story was written for the Kurt Big Bang.

A thousand thanks to my beta and artist for choosing to work with me. It's been amazing. :)

Additionally, I don't own Glee. Never have and never will. If I did, there'd be some changes.

_ooo_

**Chapter Thirteen**

At first, Kurt tried to hang out with Rachel, but she was never around. So, after a week of college, he decided to check out the extracurriculars to try and make new friends. That's when he met another student who looked familiar.

Hours later, when back home in the loft he still remembered the soft, slightly familiar voice and face of the young man who had told him about the Adam's Apples. He didn't understand why, but part of him wanted nothing more than to reach out and touch him. Kurt didn't understand why he seemed so familiar but he wanted to know more about him. He wondered if he was part of the group and if that was the reason he'd explained it to him. If he was, then Kurt might just decide to join.

Rachel, Kurt soon found, didn't quite agree. She equated it with what they went through at McKinley. He could understand where she was coming from with that. However, she'd loved Glee club back then – even if it had basically just been another place for her to shine: she had had fun. Kurt found it somewhat sad that she'd lost touch with that.

When the student approached him again about joining, he introduced himself as Adam. The familiar name made Kurt's heart skip a beat and when their hands met he felt a familiar connection spring up. Still, he resolutely beat down the idea that he'd found _his_ Adam. It couldn't be. There was no way that his Adam's name was Adam in the real world as well. That would be too big a coincidence. When Adam talked about seeing Kurt at the Winter Showcase, Kurt decided that he must have seen him there and that's why he seemed familiar.

Scared, Kurt tried to refuse, but Adam seemed to read him better than anyone else ever had and wouldn't let go. He'd badgered Kurt to come to their rehearsal and had won him over – no matter how hard Kurt tried, he couldn't stay away.

Hours later, he carefully compartmentalized the idea that he'd found the person he'd been searching for. He wasn't ready for him. He still hadn't gotten over Blaine. He wouldn't be able to give himself to his Adam fully. There was no way they were the same person.

_ooo_

In the end, it was Rachel who convinced Kurt to ask Adam out for a cup of coffee and Kurt didn't regret it. They'd met at a little hole-in-the-wall café that Adam knew. It had a pride flag hung up in the window and most of the clientele seemed to be made up of hipsters and LGBTI people. The chairs and tables were mismatched. Kurt figured that once upon a time, they'd all fit together, but over time some had needed to be replaced or refurnished. There was a little stage off to the side for local artists, where a sassy woman was singing jazz songs, while flirting with both the male _and_ the female clientele. However, the way her eyes would always return to another woman gracefully sipping on her tea belied where her heart truly was.

Adam pulled Kurt's chair out for him, making Kurt blush as he took a seat. Adam asked Kurt, "Can I pick your drink?"

Kurt blinked. "But I asked _you_ out. Shouldn't I…?"

Adam winked. "I chose the place. You can pay when you choose. Besides, there's a drink here I want to show you and I doubt you'd choose it. So, may I?"

Kurt smiled coyly. "I guess I can trust you – this time. You better not disappoint me."

Adam flirted back, "Disappoint a pretty face like yours? I'd rather die. I'll be back in a few. In the meantime, feel free to enjoy Nina's singing."

"So she's a regular?"

"Yes, she is. She keeps coming back, hoping to get some sort of reaction out of Kris – the woman who's seemingly ignoring Nina. Most of us regulars have bets on how long it'll take until the two get together. Personally, I think that Kris is hung up over Nina, but is wary of a relationship with her, because she's such a flirt. Her tactic is to try and get Nina so hung up on her, that she can't see anyone else anymore. So far it seems to be working too. Still, Kris is almost only here when Nina is playing – not that Nina knows that."

Kurt giggled. "That reminds me a little of Maureen and Joanne in Rent."

"You aren't alone there. Others have remarked the same thing. Now, wait here for a moment while I get you your drink."

Kurt nodded and watched Nina perform. She noticed him and gestured for him to join her on the little stage. Not seeing the harm, Kurt obliged. She finished singing the current song to him before asking him, "So, honey, what's your name?"

"Kurt."

"Well, Kurt, you're new here, aren't you? At least, I've never seen you here before."

"Yeah. I'm fairly new to New York in general."

"Can you sing?"

"Well, yeah – why?"

"I've been dying to sing 'All That Jazz' from the musical Chicago, but I can't seem to find anyone up to singing it with me." Kurt didn't miss how her gaze slid to the passive form of Kris. "Would you be willing?"

"Of course I will."

"Great!" She clapped. "Oh, I should probably introduce myself. I'm Nina." She turned to the audience and declared, "My new friend Kurt, here, has kindly agreed to help me out with my next song! We're going to sing 'All That Jazz!'"

Kurt looked to see Adam look over at him from his place in line. When Adam smiled, Kurt felt his heart skip a beat. At that moment all he cared about was doing a good job for Adam. He wanted to make him proud.

Almost as if they'd choreographed it, the two of them danced and sang together on the stage. She was the main artist, so she got the main vocal parts, but Kurt was more than capable of doing the background vocals. He felt the crowd eating it up, which fueled him even more. At one point Kurt looked into the audience and saw Adam watching him with a warm fond smile and he could hardly stop himself from grinning. He noticed that Kris had finally looked up to watch Nina and he could practically taste the unresolved sexual tension that was between them as Nina noticed her watching and picked up a notch in her performance as well.

Kurt felt how jealous Kris was that Nina was dancing with him instead of her – even if he was obviously gay. He went through the jazz dance steps easily, having memorized them years ago.

By the end of the song he and Nina were breathing hard, but grinning at each other. She told him, "We have to do that again! Give me your number, please! It's awesome performing with you!"

Kurt grinned. "Maybe next time we can do something from Rent."

"We'd need more people for that, unless we did one of Mimi and Roger's duets or 'The Tango Maureen' and, as cute as you are, you're more Angel than Roger or Mark."

"Oh well. What about something from 'The Sound of Music?'"

Just as Nina was about to answer, Kurt felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to see Adam standing there. He said, "You know, as lovely as this discussion is, I _would_ love to have some of your time, Kurt. Why don't you exchange numbers and text about it later?"

Kurt flushed. "Uh, yeah, sorry. I guess I got carried away."

"That's okay. It was wonderful hearing you sing again."

Kurt's rosy color grew darker as Adam held out a hand to help him off the stage. Kurt handed Nina one of his visit cards from and wrote his cell phone number on it. He told her, "Call me. We can get together to practice some more."

Nina grinned. "You bet!" She pocketed the card and went back to singing enthusiastically. Kurt noticed that Kris had yet to look away from the other girl.

He whispered to Adam, "I think Kris is finally going to make a move on Nina now."

Adam smiled softly at him. "I hope you're right. By the way, you did a really good plié on stage just now. You caused a slight problem that should not be addressed in polite company."

Kurt giggled and swatted Adam's arm, which led him to admiring, once again, how well the other man was built. "You're still addressing it, so does that mean I'm not polite company?"

Adam laughed. "Touché. Do you wish to try your drink now, sir?"

Kurt snorted. "You don't have to be _that_ polite."

Adam took his hand and led him back to their table, where the cooling drinks were. Kurt picked his up and sniffed it. He couldn't quite place what it was, but at least it smelled good. He took a sip and moaned softly as he closed his eyes. It was a slightly spicy tea that had a slightly wild flavor to it that reminded him of something, but he couldn't place what, with an undertone of vanilla to it. He asked, "This is amazing tea. What type is it?"

"It's chocolate vanilla tea."

"I get the vanilla, but it doesn't taste like chocolate."

"Actually, it does. If you get very rich and dark chocolate, it will have some of that same wild spicy flavor to it. You can find chocolate tea in a lot of stores here but the stuff here is just in a class of its own."

"I'd never have thought to try it. I usually get a non-fat mocha."

"Well, it never hurts to try something new. In a cliché way, I much prefer tea to coffee."

Kurt shrugged his shoulders and quipped, "Well, it _does_ fit your accent."

Adam let out a bark of laughter. "That it does." There was a comfortable lull in their conversation as they sipped on their tea, until Adam spoke up, "You know, when I'm around you, Kurt, I feel like I've known you forever. It's almost as if we don't have to go into all those niceties of introduction that most people do at the first date – it's almost as if I already know."

Kurt nodded. "Yeah, I get what you mean. I feel it too. You've always seemed familiar."

"As if you should recognize me from somewhere but you don't know where?"

"Exactly. How did you know?"

"It's the same for me. I wonder why."

Kurt quipped, "Maybe we met in a past lifetime."

Adam flashed him a quick bright smile. "Who knows? Maybe."

Kurt was flooded by the feeling of comfort and understanding. Blaine might understand what it was like to be gay in small-town Ohio, but he didn't understand Kurt's psychic side or the slightly different belief system he'd chosen. Kurt didn't even tell him about it, because he knew he'd never understand.

In a fleeting moment, Kurt realized that it never would have worked between them anyways, even if Blaine hadn't cheated. There were just too many things that Blaine approached with pure logic. Kurt's life wasn't composed of logic. As a matter of fact, his clairvoyance was one of the least logical things he knew. In addition to that, there was also the fact that if he'd found _his_ Adam, he'd have left Blaine in a heartbeat.

Dragging his thoughts back to the moment, Kurt shyly reached out his left hand across the table to hold Adam's left hand. It was slightly awkward, but he didn't want to try drinking his tea with his left hand. If he spilled it, that would be way more embarrassing. The soft warm smile Adam turned at him made all the discomfort worth it though.

A squeal of joy followed by an impassioned "Yes!" broke the moment between them as they looked over to see Nina spinning around gleefully on stage in front of a bemused Kris. She squealed again and shouted, "Yes! A date! Finally! Thank you, God!"

Adam snorted. "Well, I guess you were right, Kurt."

"Somehow I have the feeling that it'll take a while until I hear from her again."

Adam nodded. "You're probably right. If you want, though, we could reserve a time for the Apples and us to perform."

"Can I help pick out the songs?"

"Sure. I was thinking we might to that Sondheim mash-up I was talking about, though."

Kurt grinned. "Sounds great. I'd also love to do something from Rent. Nina refused, stating that she didn't think we could pull off any of the male-female duets."

"Are you hinting about wanting to perform 'I'll Cover You' with me?"

Kurt looked off to the side before turning his eyes to meet Adam's. "That was implied, wasn't it?"

Adam rubbed the back of Kurt's hand with his thumb. "I would love to, but I don't think I have the right accent. In case you haven't noticed I don't exactly sound like a New Yorker," he quipped.

Kurt giggled. "I don't care. It's not like we're trying out for a play or anything either. It'll be fine."

Adam gave him a familiar brilliant smile. "In that case, of course I'll sing it with you."

As they finished their tea, Kurt noticed the time on the clock on the wall behind Adam. He blinked and looked at his watch to confirm. "Well, it's getting to be dinnertime. Rachel, my roommate, who you probably know from the Winter Showcase, asked for me to stay out until late tonight since Brody is coming over. So, I'll be eating out anyway. Um, what I'm actually trying to ask is –"

Adam cut in, "Let's go eat. If you want, after that you can come to my place." At Kurt's alarmed look Adam quickly added, "Not like that. My roommate and I have an extra room for whenever one of the Apples inevitably crashes at my place. You can stay there."

Kurt smiled. "That's sweet. I think I'll be fine, though. I have a white noise machine and I'll rest better if I'm in my own bed. Besides, I've almost gotten used to seeing Brody walk around our loft practically naked. I don't really enjoy it, but I've still gotten used to it."

"Well, if it becomes too much, then the offer's open – just like it is to all of the other Apple members."

"So it isn't anything special?"

Adam smirked, eyes twinkling, "The special thing would be sleeping in my bed with me. But somehow I don't think we're quite there yet. Maybe someday."

Kurt fluttered his eyelashes at Adam in what he hoped was a flirtatious manner. "Yeah, maybe. In the meantime, though, I'm hungry. Where would you suggest going to eat?"

"I know a really good Lebanese restaurant close to here. The people there accept the LGBT community, even if they don't really like them, and they've got really good food. If you'd prefer, though, there's a good Greek restaurant a little further along that is run by a lesbian couple I know. They've also got really good food."

"I think I'll go for the Greek food. I love hummus and tzatziki sauce. Besides, I don't feel like ending such a wonderful evening with homophobes. I had enough of them back in Ohio."

Adam shrugged. "That works for me. I've been meaning to stop by again soon anyway."

When leaving the café, Adam took Kurt's hand in his own, clasping it as if he was holding something precious. While Kurt generally didn't really enjoy being treated as if he were made of glass, the way Adam did it made Kurt feel special and treasured.

_ooo_

When Kurt arrived home late that evening, he felt like he was walking on cloud nine. He wanted to tell Rachel all about it. He knew that would have to wait, though, when he heard the noises coming from their loft. He knew that she was definitely busy with someone else, namely Brody. Resolving to talk to her about it in the morning, he turned on the white noise machine and went to sleep.


	14. Chapter 14

**Title:** Chasing Dreams

**Beta-reader: **onthaedge (lj)

**Artist: **marsmaywander (tumblr)

**Pairing: **Kadam

**Warnings:** suicide attempt and ideation, mentioned non-con towards adults and children, violence, pagan beliefs

**Author's Note: **This story was written for the Kurt Big Bang.

A thousand thanks to my beta and artist for choosing to work with me. It's been amazing. :)

Additionally, I don't own Glee. Never have and never will. If I did, there'd be some changes.

_ooo_

**Chapter Fourteen**

Kurt was scared stiff when Santana told him and Rachel that she'd gone through their stuff. Luckily, however, she didn't mention his sketches. He knew she'd seen them, since they were in a different place than where they had been before. He figured she'd just thought they were normal drawings and left them alone.

Afterwards, when they were alone together, he realized he'd been stupid for writing her off so quickly. She stood next to him, hip jutted out, with her hand on it, standing next to the couch asking in her usual mock-sweet voice. "Hey, porcelain, care to tell me what all those disturbing sketches were of?"

Kurt clenched his jaw. "No."

She leaned into his space where he was sitting on the couch, putting her cleavage on display to him, much to his displeasure. "Well, you see, I did some research. I knew I recognized some of the faces in them. So, why exactly were you drawing these people at the moment they were killed? Are you some type of nymphomaniac or something?"

Kurt responded incredulously, "Nymphomaniac? Me? Eww!"

"Well, if you don't want me to think that, then tell me what they really are. And how did you know exactly how they died? Your pictures are much more explicit than the media and the dates marked on them are from before the article in the newspaper came out."

"I don't know what you're talking about. I just have a good imagination."

"Okay, fine. I'll make it easy for you. I'll tell you what's going on and you'll tell me if I'm right. Okay?"

Kurt nodded. "But I won't help you figure it out."

"I don't need help. You see, Kurt, I've figured it out," she raised her finger to poke him in the chest. "You, my friend, are psychic, aren't you? Clairvoyant to be exact."

"There's no such thing as –"

Santana interrupted, "Don't lie to me Kurt. You see, I'm psychic too. My Mexican-third-eye never lies," she gestured towards her forehead. "As a matter of fact – it tells me when other people are lying or hiding the truth. It also tells me people's weaknesses, so I can exploit them. So, am I right?"

Kurt sighed and nodded, looking defeated. "You're right. That's not all, though. I'm also an empath and I can hear people's thoughts when they're thinking loudly enough. Is that all?"

"No, it isn't. Tell me, why did you act the way you did with Blaine at the wedding, when you've obviously got someone here you care more for?"

"What?"

"Porcelain – Kurt, you give off a different vibe when around Adam. You really care about Adam. I can tell that. So, why did you sleep with Blaine?"

"At that point, Adam and I weren't officially dating."

"And you are now?"

"We're giving it a try, yes. What's the difference between what you sense when I'm with Blaine versus when I'm with Adam?"

Santana shook her head and sat down on the couch next to Kurt. "That isn't it, Kurt. You feel more real when you're with Adam. You're more you. When you're with Blaine, it's almost as if you're a shadow or a reflection. You act the way he wants you to act and I don't like it. You aren't the sassy guy I knew in high school anymore then. So, why do it then?"

Kurt shrugged. "I don't really know. I was fine while I was here. Then the moment I saw Blaine again, it was like something switched in me. I fell back into old patterns. All the feelings for him that were almost gone – they came back all at once. I couldn't say 'no' anymore. I wanted everything he wanted. But now that I'm back here in New York it's gone again. I don't understand it to be honest. I've basically just been ignoring the problem."

"You should figure it out. Because if you're going to go back to being Blaine's boy every time you see him, it's time to break it off with Doctor Who here."

"I want to be over Blaine, Santana. I want to be able to give myself fully to Adam. He knows that I'm not there yet. I don't know if I'll ever really get there, but I want to try."

"Then give it a few weeks. Don't drag him along though. He's obviously head over heels in love with you and it wouldn't be fair to him. Just so you know, though, he's hiding something too. Nothing bad, as far as I can tell, but there is something there that he hasn't told you."

Kurt hugged himself. "Everyone has secrets. I haven't told him or Blaine about my psychic abilities. Blaine never knew why I'd never stay the night. I told him it was because of my dad and, luckily, he never doubted that excuse. I don't know if I can trust Blaine with that side of myself. I think I could with Adam, though. I think he'd believe me."

Santana rolled her eyes. "Hello? Do you even hear what you're saying? Then get rid of Hobbit 2.0. If you don't trust him with that, then it's not worth being in a relationship with him, okay? You have to do whatever is right for you."

Kurt growled, frustrated, and brought his palms up to rest his hands in. "I know that! But everything switches perspective and importance when he's there! It's like I'm a completely different person!"

Santana brushed her hair back behind her ear. "Kurt, I told you once, and I'll tell you again, listen to yourself when you speak. You know there's something wrong. I know something's wrong. I can't tell you what it is, though. I don't know. You have to figure it out and stop it from happening again."

Kurt pinched the bridge between his eyes with his thumb and forefinger. "I know. I don't know what to do though. I just – Adam is such a wonderful guy. He deserves the best. He deserves better than this – better than I can give him. I should break up with him."

Santana groaned as she let her head fall to the back of the sofa, rolling her eyes. "Kurt, don't be so defeatist. Where's the spunky bitch I knew in Sophomore year?"

Kurt's lower lip trembled slightly. "Karofsky killed him. The visions killed him. The relationship with Blaine killed him. I'm just trying to survive right now and live if I can find it in myself. You know, I actually tried once, in Freshman year."

Santana's eyes narrowed. "Tried what?"

"Do you remember when I was sick for a few weeks?"

Santana shook her head. "Vaguely, yeah. There were all sorts of rumors going around about what had happened to you."

Kurt closed his eyes resolutely. "I was in the hospital on suicide watch for part of that."

Santana stood up, walked over to stand in front of him and slapped him hard on the face and yelled, "You idiot!" before pulling him into a hug. "How could you? Why didn't you say anything after Karofsky –"

Kurt shook his head and babbled, "I didn't want anyone to know. I didn't want people to be thinking about it. I didn't want to hear them wishing I'd succeeded and taunting me about it. And by the time Karofsky tried, I'd been hiding it for so long. You have to understand, Santana, that back then I had no one. I wasn't in Glee club yet, because Sandy Ryerson was creepy and I knew that he wanted to touch me. So I stayed away from him. Everywhere I went, I felt so much hatred and dislike directed at me. That coupled with the visions – it just got to be too much. I couldn't handle it anymore. I wanted to get out. You don't understand what it's like, Santana. I've seen so many horrible things; so many atrocious things done by people to harm others. I – I felt it all. I know the sick joy someone can feel, while doing something atrocious, as well as the guilt. I've felt it all."

"What helped you pull through?"

"My dad, my Adam, my psychiatrist Eliza and her husband."

"_Your_ Adam?" Santana raised an eyebrow.

Kurt nodded. "Yeah. Do you remember all the sketches of a pre-teen boy I have? That's my Adam. I've been seeing and meeting him since I was about eight. Usually, when things get to be too much for me, I find myself in a nice cottage with a pond in front of it, surrounded by trees and with mountains in the far distance. It's nice there. Shortly after I watched my mom die, he's been meeting me there."

Santana cocked her head to the side, narrowing her eyes slightly. "And there's no chance that that Adam is the same as Doctor Who? I mean, they look kinda similar."

Kurt shook his head. "It would be too big of a coincidence if they were the same. Believe me, I thought about it and dismissed it. Since he and I can't share our names with each other, Eliza named him for me. She chose the name because I couldn't go on just calling him _him. _She picked it because it's the name of the first man and he was the first man in my life."

"So, if you found him, what would you do?"

"I'd leave whoever I was dating to be with him. I love him more than anyone else."

Santana shrugged as she sat back down. "Then it's pretty easy. We have to track this guy down. And, in the meantime, you don't date anyone. You just have friends with benefits. We're going to find you your happy-ever-after, Kurt. And, believe me, if there's anyone who can help you with that, it's me."

"So I should break up with Adam then?" Kurt asked.

"Yeah. Just give me some time and I'll find your boy."

"Thanks." Kurt offered her a shy little smile.

"By the way, is there anything you can tell me about him?"

"He had a kidney transplant when he was twelve, is an empath, should be about four years older than me and has an English accent. He's currently studying somewhere here in the States."

Santana looked at him for a moment, mouth slightly open, her finger in the air. "Kurt, are you really _sure_ you're not talking about Doctor Who here?"

"I told you, it would be too much of a coincidence. Besides, I think I'd know if he were my Adam."

Santana rolled her eyes and let out a loud breath. "Not if you're ignoring the truth that's right in front of your eyes. Maybe the reason for the coincidence would be because you were meant to find each other. Maybe he actually is Doctor Who. Don't ignore it as a possibility."

Kurt scowled. "I can and I will. It can't be him."

She huffed in annoyance. "Fine! Go ahead and disregard our number one contender, while_ I_ go snooping – but believe me, I'm _not _going to disregard that option. I'll find out for you because you're being an obstinate idiot about it."

"I think you're right about breaking up with him. As long as I can't give him all of my heart – he deserves better. I can't date him and break up with him the moment I find my dream-boyfriend."

Santana rolled her eyes. "Give him a few weeks first. Then you can decide."

"Okay. A few weeks. That's it though. I don't want to hurt him."

"It's too late for that. You are going to hurt him."

Kurt visibly crumbled in on himself. "I care about him though. I really like him. I know I could love him in time. If only it weren't for Blaine and _my_ Adam." A single tear dribbled down his face. "I want him to be happy."

Santana wrapped an arm around Kurt. "Don't worry about his happiness. Worry about your own first."

Kurt sighed. "I wish I could."

_ooo_

Several weeks later, Kurt met Adam in another little café. This time he bought their drinks. They sat there for a while chattering about mundane things like school and the weather until Kurt finally gathered together his courage. "Adam, there's a reason I asked you to come here today."

Adam's usual smile dimmed slightly. "That sounds ominous."

Kurt sighed. "It is. This thing between us; I don't think it's working. It's – I care for you a lot, Adam. I know I could fall in love with you. Believe me, it's not you. It's me. I just – I can't seem to get over my ex."

"Give it time," Adam pleaded.

"It's been over half a year! I've given it time! I just – this isn't fair to you. I can't keep dragging you along when I might," he chocked, "when I might never actually get over him. You're a wonderful guy. You deserve better."

"What if I don't want better? I want you!" Adam reached out to touch Kurt's shoulder, before pulling back.

Kurt frowned and shook his head. "And I want to want you like that too! But I can't! And I don't want to put you through that. I can't control myself around my ex. I don't know why. I just slip into old patterns and – you deserve better. I won't do that to you."

"Please think it over again. Don't cut me loose, Kurt. I –"

Kurt shook his head and cut him off, "Don't say it! Please, don't say it. This is hard enough as is."

Kurt refused to look at Adam, because he knew that if he did, he'd break. This was for the best. It had to be. He had to stay strong and he knew that if he saw a single tear on Adam's face that he wouldn't be able to pull through with it.

After a few moments, Kurt felt Adam's hand caressing his cheek. "I'm already in too deep, Kurt. I already care too much. I'll be waiting for you."

Kurt heard the scraping of Adam's chair on the floor and his retreating footsteps. Soon the comforting feeling he'd begun to associate with him had completely vanished. Kurt stood up and left, holding in his tears until he reached the loft where he let go and cried himself to sleep. Waking only to find Rachel and Santana cuddled up to him in their pajamas.


	15. Chapter 15

**Title:** Chasing Dreams

**Beta-reader: **onthaedge (lj)

**Artist: **marsmaywander (tumblr)

**Pairing: **Kadam

**Warnings:** suicide attempt and ideation, mentioned non-con towards adults and children, violence, pagan beliefs

**Author's Note: **This story was written for the Kurt Big Bang.

A thousand thanks to my beta and artist for choosing to work with me. It's been amazing. :)

Additionally, I don't own Glee. Never have and never will. If I did, there'd be some changes.

Later on in this chapter I've posted a link to marsmaywander's beautiful art for this story in a bracket. Please remove the spaces and brackets to check it out.

_ooo_

**Chapter Fifteen**

Kurt knew that he shouldn't have spent time alone with Blaine. He knew that. Yet, he'd still done it. Before he could think about it, he'd ended up back in a relationship with Blaine. On the staircase, then, with everyone surrounding them, believing that Kurt would say 'yes' to the proposal, Kurt couldn't say 'no.' Everyone's expectations pounded on him so strong. He had no control as he agreed.

Later that day, though, after a bout of lovemaking, Kurt finally was able to pull together enough to ask the deal-breaker question he should have asked over a year before, "Say, Blaine, what do you think about psychics?"

Blaine wrinkled his nose. "They're phonies. They're just trying to make money off of foolishly gullible people. Luckily for them, there are more than enough of them to go around. It's just another way for attention-seeking people to get themselves noticed. The only time they ever spout anything other than lies is in fiction. So, no, I don't believe in them."

Kurt's heart ached in the realization that he was right not to tell Blaine about his abilities. He knew he had to break up with him again now. There was no future for them – only the past. And yet, lying there next to him, he couldn't. He cared too much for Blaine. He thought about Adam and wondered if he could do the same to Blaine, before realizing that he couldn't. Not at that moment. Not when Blaine was still on a high. He'd do it later. He wouldn't let it get as far as a wedding. He'd end it before then – somehow.

_ooo_

The moment Kurt got back to New York and was alone with Santana, she yelled at him, "What the hell do you think you're doing! Going back to being Blaine's boy, when I'm working my ass off to find your dream-boy?"

Kurt shrank back from her. "I didn't mean to. I just… I couldn't…"

She yelled, "Don't give me that excuse again! You should be able to control yourself!"

Kurt held his hands up to his head, supporting it as he shook it vehemently. "But I can't! That's the whole problem! Everyone expected me to say yes! If anyone hadn't, then I could have maybe latched on to that. But their emotions were too strong. I couldn't say no. Not in front of all of them. I know I have to break up with Blaine. I just don't know how!"

She asked suspiciously, "Why do you know it _now_, all of a sudden?"

Kurt spit it out. "I asked him, okay? I asked him if he believed in psychics. He doesn't. I could never be myself around him. I know I have to break it off! I just… I just couldn't! Don't ask me why!"

Santana rolled her eyes and held up her hand. "Okay, fine, I'll get you out of this mess somehow. Trust Auntie Tana to do it. God, Kurt, you enjoy getting yourself into these messes, don't you? Now, go along and tell Adam before he finds out from some other source that you're engaged."

Kurt sighed. "Yeah, I'll do that."

She insisted, "Right now. I'll take care of Rachel in the meantime."

"Uhm, yeah, right. Bye."

"Bye, Kurt."

Kurt pulled himself together and headed over to Adam's apartment.

_ooo_

Luckily, for Kurt, Adam was home. He opened the door and Kurt's heart sank as he noticed that he had been crying. Kurt asked, "You know?"

Adam nodded. "Facebook."

Kurt looked to the ground, noticing the shoes that were strewn around near the door. "I wanted to tell you in person."

Adam offered him a tight smile. "Thanks. Come in. We shouldn't have this conversation in the hallway."

"Yeah, I guess." Kurt entered and sat down on the couch, while Adam sat down in an armchair.

Adam said, "Thanks for coming to tell me. It – it means a lot to me."

Kurt returned a sad lop-sided smile. "I couldn't just – I had to. You deserve that much. You deserve so much more than what I gave you. I'm so sorry."

Adam swallowed and pursed his lips. "It's okay. It's not your fault. You can't help being in love."

"I know."

They stood there for a while in an awkward silence before Adam continued."I have a favor to ask of you, though."

"What is it?"

He swallowed visibly before stating his request, "Could you leave the Apples and delete my number? Right now – it's just too painful for me. To see you and know that I couldn't – couldn't measure up to him." Adam bit his lip and blinked furiously.

Kurt shook his head. "You're better than him."

Adam clenched his eyes and fists together. "And yet you still chose him."

"Yeah." Kurt pulled out his phone to delete Adam from it, but his hands were shaking so bad he couldn't even unlock it. He sniffled. "I can't do this. Could you? The password is a capital A."

Adam took the phone and turned on the display and stared. He asked in a wobbly voice, "Kurt, why do you have a drawing of me on your phone?"

Kurt's heart skipped a beat. "What?"

Adam took a deep breath. "The picture for unlocking your phone – it's a picture of me – the way I looked when I was twelve. Why do you have it?"

Kurt's heartbeat grew faster. "That's you?"

"Yeah, it… but the background… the scene…" Kurt watched as Adam's eyes grew wider and a single strangled word was emitted from his lips, "Ariel?"

For a moment, it felt as if Kurt's whole world had crashed. Santana had been right. He'd been ignoring the person who had been there the entire time. He did fit everything. Suddenly everything clicked into place; the feeling of knowing him, his comforting presence, the familiarity – everything slid into place in a moment and Kurt's crumbling world righted itself and built itself up again. In that moment he completely understood the Tower and Death cards in the major arcana tarot cards.

With a hesitant smile Kurt nodded. "Yeah. That's the name you gave me."

Adam's face lit up as a beaming smile replaced the sadness. "Ariel. Can I call you Ariel?" Kurt nodded. "Gods, I thought it was you, but I didn't know for certain until now."

Adam sang, _"I'm standing here_  
_Watching the waves break on the sand,_  
_Holding your hand, and wondering if there was a time_  
_When I felt more comfortable,_  
_I could conquer the world with you by my side._

"_We've gone down so many lonely roads,_  
_Searched for what we know was right around the corner._  
_And I knew from the time I saw your face,_  
_From our first embrace,_  
_That you were the one._

"_We could call it luck, we could call it fate, we could call it heart's desire_  
_We could call it a dream even though we're wide awake –_  
_Let's just call it love._

"_I feel like_  
_I've known you my whole life_  
_Every day and night was made just for us._  
_I don't know what I ever did before_  
_You walked through my door and changed my whole life._

"_We could call it luck, we could call it fate, we could call it heart's desire,_  
_We could call it a dream even though we're wide awake –_  
_Let's just call it love._  
_Let's just call it love. I'd like to call it love._  
_Let's just call it love. I'd like to call it love."_

Kurt commented, "That's a beautiful song, but I've never heard of it before."

Adam shrugged. "The group isn't the best known. I know them because one of the Apples loves going to Renaissance-festivals and dragged me along to a few, where I heard them play. Since then we've gone to a few of their concerts. They're called Blackmore's Night and the song was 'Call it Love' from their album 'The Village Lantern.'"

Kurt asked shyly, "Can you show me some of their music sometime?"

"Sure, but we should talk about the here and now first. What are we? What are we going to do? You're engaged."

Kurt reached out to hold Adam's hand. "I'll break up with him. I was going to anyways. He doesn't believe in psychics."

Adam inquired, his brow drawn in confusion, "Then why are you still with him?"

Kurt shrugged. "I don't know. I don't trust him. I don't really love him anymore either. I don't know if I ever did. But whenever he's around – he's familiar I guess. I fall back into the old patterns and I don't know how to stop."

Adam paused for a moment, eyes narrowed as he tapped his lips with the hand that Kurt wasn't holding. "Ariel, do you remember what I told you when we were younger? After the closeted jock kissed you and you weren't sure what you were feeling?"

Kurt shook his head. "No. That time period – it's like a blur to me. I remember being scared. Every day of school was another dose of adrenaline: seeing if I'd survive the day; especially after he threatened to kill me."

Adam gasped. "He threatened to kill you? You never told me that!"

Kurt avoided his gaze as he drew into himself. "I didn't tell anyone until my dad figured out what was going on and swooped in to protect me. He still doesn't know about the kiss though. You and Eliza are the only people who know everything now."

Adam sighed and Kurt felt his pained compassion and the sorrow that he hadn't trusted him enough to tell him everything before then. "Don't keep things like that secret from me again, okay?"

Kurt nodded. "I promise. And it wasn't that I didn't trust you. I just wanted to get away from it all. If I ignored it and pretended it hadn't happened – at least I'd be free from it whenever I was around you. You were my refuge. I couldn't poison that with the outside world."

Adam took a moment to gather himself again. "I think I get it. I remember how shook up you were. We ended up in our little sanctuary more often than usual. I was really worried about you. You were worried about part of you wanting the kiss and I told you about an ex of mine, who loved me so much that his feelings overflowed into me. I thought I loved him because he loved me so much. What I didn't tell you is that I figured out how to cut the connection to him and block him."

Kurt looked up to Adam and asked, "You did? How? You mean I could have stopped feeling other people's feelings ages ago? Why didn't you tell me?"

Adam smiled softly. "Because you can't. You can only block off specific people with whom you've built a connection."

Kurt blinked. "Huh?"

Adam pinched his forehead. "Okay, let me try it differently. You know what it feels like when you're having sex with someone?"

Kurt's ears grew warm. "Yeah…?"

"Have you noticed how for a moment you and your partner seem to melt together? You only have one consciousness. If you consciously or subconsciously build a connection at that moment, it's much stronger and can be used or abused by both parties, if they know what they're doing. That's why it's so much easier for us to fall into sync with someone we've slept with. We're sensitive and can pick up on it. We already know what they're going to think and do before they do. The closer we are to someone the stronger the connection."

Kurt frowned, "But, what about the people who just sleep around?"

"They aren't in it for the connection. They just want to get off. That means that they won't build that connection or let their partner build it with them. Both parties have to consent on some level, unless the will of one is strong enough to overpower the other's and that's usually a conscious effort on their part."

Kurt shook his head. "I don't understand what you're getting at."

Adam explained, "You have that type of connection to your ex. If I'm right, then it's strong enough to let you able to feel his emotions regardless of distance."

Kurt's eyes grew wide. "What?"

Adam nodded. "Coupled with your clairvoyance, I think you could psychically visit him anytime and you constantly feel his emotions – though maybe a slightly weaker version. I think that's what's been keeping you from letting go?"

"His feelings?"

Adam nodded.

Kurt demaned, "How do I stop?"

"You break the connection. After you consciously break it, it won't form again unless you give it permission. Even when you're right next to the person, you'll automatically block the connection, which means that you'll be able to stop feeling what he's feeling. You might still pick up some of his thoughts and emotions, but not as much as people you encounter and don't have any blocks for."

Kurt inquired, "How do I break it?"

Adam paused for a moment as if trying to figure out how to put it. "I don't know if it'll work for you, but what I did was meditate. I focused on wanting to break the connection. Eventually I found myself in a beautiful place where I could see all the connections to people I know and care for – no matter how little. I had to find the one that connected me to him and cut that connection. It tried to reconnect, but I held a barrier in place to stop it. Then it withered away and died. After that I was free of him."

Kurt blinked. "That's it?"

Adam smiled wryly. "It sounds easier than it is."

Kurt bit his lip and looked up at Adam through his eyelashes, "Will you guide me then?"

Adam smiled wistfully. "I can't. I wish I could, but I can't go there. Just like you can't go there for me. It's a private space that no one else can see. The only thing I can do is ground you. I can hold you and help you find the way back."

Kurt smiled. "I think I'll try it without you first. Nothing against you, but I think I want to do this on my own. I'm tired of this bouncing back and forth and I want to end it for once and all."

Adam nodded. "Sure. I'll occupy myself in the meantime."

Kurt hesitated. "What should we do if it doesn't work? What if it isn't my connection to Blaine that makes me unable to let go of him?"

Adam gently clasped Kurt's arm. "We'll cross that bridge if we come to it, Ariel. One thing at a time."

Kurt nodded. "Yeah, okay. So, I just…"

"Sit down and make yourself comfortable. Would you like me to put on some soothing music for you? It helps me meditate, personally, but I don't know how it is for you."

"Do you have Enya?"

Adam nodded. "Yes, I do."

"Then put that on."

Kurt sat cross-legged on Adam's bed, trying desperately to avoid letting his mind sink into the gutter. Certainly, it was the most comfortable place in the small apartment to sit. However, he couldn't help that his mind occasionally drifted to what he could be doing with Adam instead of trying to free himself of Blaine.

Kurt breathed slowly and deeply, focusing on how each breath came from his diaphragm. The music flowed around him and he let his mind settle on it, letting it fill him and eradicate all thoughts. He closed his eyes and saw darkness and the world around him faded out, with the exception of the music.

Kurt began to focus on the feeling he always had when he was around Blaine. He concentrated on how it felt picking up emotions from him and where they entered his being. He felt himself starting to be pulled away in the direction of his ex, but fought it. That wasn't where he wanted to go; not when he had control over it. Instead, he reached to find where it was connecting to him and followed the feeling, going deeper inside of himself.

A timeless moment later, Kurt found himself in a beautiful place. It was dark still, however, he could see several glowing lines connecting to a glowing mass. They were varying in size and brightness. Most were a glowing pale blue, while others had a tinge of silver. The core in the middle seemed to be pulsing with its light – though this was a mixture of various colors, though green, yellow and indigo seemed to be slightly more prevalent. As he reached out and touched it, he realized that it was his emotional core.

Kurt reached out to touch one of the larger blue threads and saw Eliza sitting with a client. Touching one of the ones tinged with silver, he saw the spirit of his mother waiting for her turn to be reborn and watching over him. She looked up at him, smiled warmly and tried to tell him something, but he couldn't hear her words. He felt her cold hand stroke his cheek though and the frigid hug and kiss on his forehead. Still, he smiled and felt the warmth of love war with the cold of death as he returned to his core.

He reached out towards one of the largest and brightest connections and smiled as he saw through his father's eyes, working in the garage. It was a matter of moments before Burt noticed Kurt's presence in his mind. He smiled and Kurt heard the message loud and clearly in his mind, "I'm fine, Kurt. Go back to what you were doing."

Kurt sent back. "I want to let go of Blaine, dad. I know you like him, but I talked with him. He thinks that psychic stuff is a bunch of hooey. Besides, he cheated on me back at the beginning of the school year."

Burt went into his office and sat down. "Why didn't you tell me before, Kurt?"

Kurt tried to chew on his lip, only to realize that he couldn't, since it wasn't his lip. "Because I was embarrassed. I didn't want to think – let alone talk about it. I knew if I told you about his stance towards psychics you'd make me see sense and break it off. I knew how angry you'd be if you knew. I didn't want to add to the stress."

Burt demanded, "Why did you agree to marry him then?"

"Because I couldn't say no. Everyone was there with their expectations of me. It was romantic and Blaine was so full of love for me that I couldn't feel anything else. I think I might have been picking up his emotions and confusing them with my own. At least, that's what Adam thinks."

Burt querried, "Which Adam? The one in New York or in your dreams?"

"About that, dad: That's another reason I can't stay together with Blaine. I found him."

"The guy you've been dreaming of since your mother's death?"

"Yeah. And, the funny thing is: His name really _is_ Adam. He's the guy I dated for a short while in New York. When I went to tell him about Blaine, he said that he'd thought that he'd finally found the person he was searching for in me. The person from his dreams. It's then that it all came together for me: His kidney transplant, the fact that he looked a lot like an older version of the guy I'd been dreaming about, the way he talked, his character – it all came together. I asked him if he called the guy 'Ariel' and he did – does. I'm happy dad. I can't remember being happier. Now I just have to get rid of my connection to Blaine that keeps pulling me back in. I don't want to be tied to him anymore."

Burt sighed. "When will you be officially breaking up with him again?"

"I'm going to call him tonight. Could you please go and see him? I don't want to break up with him on the phone, but the plane ticket is too expensive and I don't have any more vacation to use."

Burt nodded. "That's understandable. He'll probably come here himself afterwards."

"Don't hate him, dad. He made mistakes, sure, but he's still a good person. I did love him. There _is_ a reason I stayed with him as long as I did."

Burt nodded again. "Yeah, I know. I like the kid too. But you can't be happy with someone who doesn't accept _us_. You shouldn't even try."

"Yeah, dad, I know. "

"So, you're breaking the connection now?"

"Yeah."

"Then go do that. Good luck. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help you. I should get back to work. I'll talk to you later on the phone."

"Yeah. I'll call you after I call Blaine."

"By the way, Kurt, I want to finally meet this Adam character, you know, now that I can."

"His name is Adam Crawford."

Burt frowned. "Adam Crawford. I know I've heard that name before. I just don't remember where. I'll look it up and get back to you on it, okay?"

"Sure dad. Talk to you soon."

"Bye."

_ooo_

Kurt returned to his center and started to actively look for the one connecting to Blaine. He remembered Adam mentioning that it should be one of the larger, stronger ones. He noticed a golden one that stood out from the others and reached out to touch that one, but stopped the moment he was close enough to feel its energy: It was warm and familiar – it felt like Adam.

He continued to look through the numerous connections until he found one that was larger than any of the connections he'd seen, other than the one to Adam. It was only slightly bigger than the one to his father. It had the same glowing light blue color that everything else had and he reached out to touch it. He saw Blaine sitting in class. He was chewing on the end of his pencil sending waves of affection and an occasional glance at Sam.

Kurt felt a slight pang in his chest as he pulled back. He studied the connection and found that, indeed, most of the love and affection was travelling from Blaine to him. It wasn't as balanced as the other relationships he'd touched. Kurt suddenly wondered if it had ever been truly equal.

( marsmaywander . tumblr post/79077674495/chasing-dreams-a-kadam-fic-for-the-kurt-big-bang )

Kurt concentrated and imagined a separating wall getting in between him and Blaine, breaking the connection. He gave it the property that nothing could get through it. The connection started to flail on Blaine's side, whirling, trying to find its connection to Kurt again. However, Kurt held the wall in place. He felt lighter as all the burdens of Blaine's feelings were lifted off of him. He still felt some affection for him, but nothing approaching what he'd felt for him before.

Sadly he watched the connection slowly grow thinner and thinner before disappearing all together. He felt the anguish of Blaine's subconscious as he tried to find him again; only to come up lacking. Kurt was tempted to let go of the wall and let the connection stay. It was so painful for him to watch and not do something. Every time he was close to giving in, though, he would look at the golden connection he shared with Adam and would remind himself why he was doing this.

Slowly, the pain lessened as the connection grew too weak for Kurt to pick up on Blaine's feelings without focusing on them. After the connection had completely died away, Kurt touched one of the weaker strands that connected to Sam and followed it. He saw him dragging Blaine, who was sobbing inconsolably, to Mrs. Schue's office.

Kurt felt a pang in his heart as he realized that he'd caused this. However, he couldn't think of how it could have gone differently. He noticed the affection that Sam had for Blaine, and wished that Sam were able to love him more than in a platonic way.

_ooo_

Kurt drew back and touched the connection to Adam. It was a strange out of body experience watching through Adam's eyes as he tenderly took care of Kurt's body, gently wiping away the tears with a wet cloth and pressing the occasional soft kiss to Kurt's brow.

Kurt felt a rush of affection sent at him and Adam told him mentally, "I love you, my Ariel; always have and always will."

At that moment Kurt knew that he'd made the right decision as he returned to his body.

_ooo_

It took Kurt a while to come back to himself. In a way, it reminded him of when he'd come out of his coma. He felt slightly dazed and as if his head was stuffed with cotton. But, at the same time, he felt light. He felt so much lighter than he had in years.

His world sprung into focus, though, when he felt a pair of familiar lips on his own; the electricity and pleasure of sinking into someone else and becoming one with them – in a much deeper fashion than he'd ever been able to experience with Blaine. Kurt felt at home. Unlike with Blaine, their emotions were a constant dialogue being sent back and forth. Both of them spoke and understood the same language at that moment.

Adam whispered in Kurt's ear, "You know, there's nothing holding us back from consummating our bond now."

Kurt shook his head to clear away the cobwebs and desire he felt. "I can't. I won't do to Blaine what he did to me. I won't cheat. I'm going to call him tonight to break up. I don't want to wait."

Adam smiled. "I'll wait. I'd wait for you for forever and a day."

Kurt blushed. "Well, um, actually, I was hoping to call him from here so I wouldn't have to leave."

_ooo_

They cuddled together and watched Bedazzled, exchanging an occasional kiss, when Kurt's phone rang. It was Blaine. He paused the movie and answered the phone on loudspeaker, "Hi Blaine. I was going to call you later today."

Blaine'd frantic voice sounded through the phone, "Kurt, something happened! I don't know what! It's like I can't feel you anymore – not like I used to! Where are you?"

Kurt soothed, "Blaine, calm down."

"No! Where are you? You just disappeared!"

Kurt spoke slowly and calmly, "Blaine, I don't understand what you're talking about. Calm down. Stop the hysterics. Is anyone there with you?"

They heard Blaine take a few deep breaths to calm himself. "Yeah, Sam."

Kurt continued in the same soft calming tone, "Blaine, I'm sorry, but I don't think we're really soulmates. That's why you can't feel me anymore. I found my soulmate. It was Adam all along. I wanted to call you to later anyway to break up with you."

Blaine denied, "No, you can't! I love you!"

Kurt sighed. "I know you do, Blaine, but I don't think I love you anymore. We have differences, Blaine, things that we can't get passed. There are things about me you don't know; things that I can't tell you."

Blaine hesitated for a few moments. "Is this about the conversation we had about psychics? You changed after that."

Kurt paused for a moment, unable to lie to Blaine.

Blaine's disappointed voice sounded through the speaker. "I see. You're psychic aren't you? That's why you asked. And I was such an idiot. I'm sorry."

Kurt sighed. "So am I. And, Blaine, I've been looking for Adam forever – since I was eight years old to be exact. If I'd figured it out earlier, if I'd found him earlier, there never would have been an us to begin with."

Blaine muttered desolately, "I understand. Is that why our connection broke?"

"I had to break it, Blaine, so that I could get over you and so you can get over me and find your real soulmate."

Kurt could heard Blaine sniffle and felt a pang of guilt, realizing that he was probably crying. "Okay. I get it. I'll do it. I'll get over you. But, in the meantime, please, don't contact me for a while. I need time. At least it wasn't my fault this time. I think that might make this easier."

Kurt smiled wryly."You're already partially over me, I think."

Blaine sighed. "Maybe I am. We can be friends again someday, though, can't we?" he implored.

Kurt's smile softened. "Of course. Someday. I think we were better at being friends than we were at being boyfriends, to be honest."

Blaine's voice grew horse. "Maybe. I still love you though."

"I know. I have one request of you though."

"Anything."

"Don't tell anyone about what I am. If the wrong people find out – my dad, Adam, my relatives and I will be in danger. So please, don't tell."

Blaine sniffled. "I promise."

"Goodbye."

"Goodbye." Kurt hung up and placed his phone on the table before situating himself on Adam's lap and pulling him into a hug, resting his head on his shoulder. He whispered, "I hate hurting people."

Adam hugged back. "Sometimes you have to hurt people to help yourself."

Kurt informed him, "I'm staying the night."

Adam stroked Kurt's back. "Whatever you want. It's up to you – you can even choose which bed you want to sleep on – my roommate is sleeping over at her girlfriend's place tonight."

Kurt drew away from him to look him in the eye. "I choose your bed, Adam."

Adam grinned. "I hoped you'd say that."

Kurt quipped"Well, it was a long time coming."

Adam tilted his head to the side. "You should call your roommates first though."

Kurt shrugged. "I guess you're right."

Kurt slid off of Adam's lap to grab his phone again. He sat back down on the couch, next to Adam, looking at his contacts for a few moments before deciding to stick to just calling Santana. She could tell Rachel.

She answered after letting it ring a few times, "Hello, Auntie 'Tana here. How can I help you?"

Kurt snorted. "You were right all along, Santana. My Adam and Adam Crawford are the same person. I broke up with Blaine and am staying the night with Adam. Could you tell Rachel?"

He could practically see her lecherous grin. "Wanky! Sure, I'll tell her you're getting your gay on tonight! Don't forget to change your Facebook status."

"Santana!"

"Hey, just being logical here. Have fun! Don't do anything I wouldn't do – not that that excludes all that much. But anyways, I look forward to teasing you when you come back limping. Bye!"

"Santana!" he screeched. She hung up. "Oh, fine, bye!" Kurt huffed as he almost slammed the phone onto the table. "Why do I let her do this to me?"

Adam smiled as he nodded his head to the side. "She's an interesting character."

Kurt rolled his eyes. "That's one way to put it. Sometimes she'd the best friend you could have and other times you just want to hate her but can't!"

Adam flirted. "I know something that will make you forget."

Kurt responded with a coy smile. "Oh, really?"

"Yes. It goes like this." He turned around on the couch to straddle Kurt as he leaned in for a passionate kiss.

As they drew away Kurt quipped, "I think it's working."

"I should hope so. Want to move it to the bedroom?" Adam asked as he stood up.

"You bet." Kurt stood up as well, grabbing Adam's hand and dragging him, laughing, to the bedroom.

"Impatient much?" Adam teased.

Kurt just continued to pull on him. "After waiting for about ten years for this? You bet!"

Adam rolled his eyes. "Oh, come off it, you didn't want this when you were eight."

Kurt pouted, "That's beside the point! It feels like it though. So excuse me if I'm impatient."

"Hmm, I think I can. Seeing as I'm rather impatient as well." In a slight motion, he pulled Kurt back to him and picked him up to carry him in a bridle carry over the threshold to his room, both of them laughing.


	16. Epilogue

**Title:** Chasing Dreams

**Beta-reader: **onthaedge (lj)

**Artist: **marsmaywander (tumblr)

**Pairing: **Kadam

**Warnings:** suicide attempt and ideation, mentioned non-con towards adults and children, violence, pagan beliefs

**Author's Note: **This story was written for the Kurt Big Bang.

A thousand thanks to my beta and artist for choosing to work with me. It's been amazing. :)

Additionally, I don't own Glee. Never have and never will. If I did, there'd be some changes.

_ooo_

**Epilogue**

Kurt woke up the next morning refreshed. It took him a moment to realize why. He hadn't had a single vision the previous night. Deciding not to mention it, he and Adam had a quick breakfast, before heading out for school together.

Along the way, he noticed that the emotions he was used to picking up loud and clearly had a bit of a damper on them. He asked Adam in a whisper, "Do you feel any different today?"

Adam nodded. "People's emotions – they aren't as loud."

"Same here. And I didn't have any visions last night either. That's never happened before without godly influence."

"I wonder if it has anything to do with us being soulmates and having consummated our bond, which was amazing, by the way. We were the same person and yet not at the same time. I've never felt that before," he gushed, trying to find the right words.

Kurt nodded. "Me neither. Let's try something."

Kurt let go of Adam's hand and noticed how everyone's emotions came rushing at him again just as they had before. He quickly grasped Adam's hand again. "Well, it seems as if it's connected to us being in contact with each other."

"Yeah, I guess so. Just one more reason to never let you go," he quipped.

Kurt giggled before he stopped still in the middle of the street they were crossing, causing Adam to drag him to the other side of the street.

Adam asked, "What the bloody hell is wrong with you – stopping there in the middle of the street. We're not in a musical or film here."

Kurt looked at him wide-eyed. "I think I understand why my great-grandma killed herself."

"She what?" Adam demanded.

Kurt ignored him and continued, "Her soulmate must have been her husband. When he died and she was confronted with the rest of her life without anyone to make the visions go away or find comfort in, while in her little safe house, away from the visions – it just wasn't worth it to her anymore. To know that you had someone to keep them away, to have that and lose it – I think I'd do the same."

Kurt sang, "_Love of mine, someday you will die,_  
_But I'll be close behind:_  
_I'll follow you into the dark._  
_No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white,_  
_Just our hands clasped so tight,_  
_Waiting for the hint of a spark._

"_If Heaven and Hell decide_  
_That they both are satisfied:_  
_Illuminate the 'No's on their vacancy signs._  
_If there's no one beside you_  
_When your soul embarks_  
_Then I'll follow you into the dark._

"_In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule_  
_I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black;_  
_And I held my tongue as she told me,_  
_'Son, fear is the heart of love.'_  
_So I never went back."_

Kurt grabbed Adam's other hand in his own. _"If Heaven and Hell decide_  
_That they both are satisfied:_  
_Illuminate the 'No's on their vacancy signs._  
_If there's no one beside you_  
_When your soul embarks_  
_Then I'll follow you into the dark."_

With a sad smile Kurt continued, _"You and me have seen everything to see,_  
_From Bangkok to Calgary,_  
_And the soles of your shoes are all worn down._  
_The time for sleep is now._  
_It's nothing to cry about:_  
_'Cause we'll hold each other soon_  
_In the blackest of rooms._

"_If Heaven and Hell decide_  
_That they both are satisfied_  
_Illuminate the 'No's on their vacancy signs_  
_If there's no one beside you_  
_When your soul embarks_  
_Then I'll follow you into the dark._  
_Then I'll follow you into the dark."_

Adam took a deep breath. "Kurt, as romantic as it is for you to be singing 'I'll Follow You Into the Dark' by Death Cab for Cutie to me, it's also the last thing I want."

"Huh? Why?"

Adam inquired, "Kurt, tell me, how would you feel like if I killed myself after you died in order to be with you? Wouldn't you prefer I continue to live?"

Kurt nodded. "Well, yeah, but that's different."

"How?" Adam demanded.

Kurt looked him in the eye. "Adam, I don't think you understand the toll the visions play on me. I've been sleep deprived practically my entire life. Last night was the first night I slept through the night when I wasn't in our sanctuary. A few days I had to stay home from school because I was too exhausted after a week or more practically without any sleep. My body doesn't really rest when I'm having a vision. More than once I thought I was going to go crazy. Over and over again I was driven to the precipice of madness. I know what it's like to be insane. I've been there and experienced it from lots of other people's points of views. I've been insane, I've felt going through drug withdrawal, I've killed myself, I've killed my baby, I've killed and raped and hurt so many humans through other people's eyes. And I've been on the opposite side of all those things as well. I've been broken and put together so many times that I fear I'm missing a few pieces by now."

Adam whispered sympathetically, "Oh, Kurt."

Kurt continued, "I survived though. When standing on that brink where I could feel the madness churning and threatening to engulf me, I always found myself in your arms. Take that away from me and there will be nothing left to pull me back again."

Adam nodded. "I understand." He paused, trying to think of a way to change the subject to a lighter one before he remembered a promise he'd made. "You know, I made you a promise to sing a song with you, remember? On our first date?"

Kurt nodded and sang, _"Live in my house  
I'll be your shelter.  
Just pay me back  
With one thousand kisses.  
Be my lover – I'll cover you."_

Adam replied, _"Open your door  
I'll be your tenant  
Don't got much baggage  
To lay at your feet;  
But sweet kisses I've got to spare.  
I'll be there – I'll cover you."_

They sang together, _"I think they meant it_  
_When they said you can't buy love._  
_Now I know you can rent it._  
_A new lease you are, my love,_  
_On life – be my life._

"_Just slip be on_  
_I'll be your blanket_  
_Wherever – whatever – I'll be your coat."_

Kurt sang alone, _"You'll be my king_  
_And I'll be your castle."_

Adam replied, _"No, you'll be my queen_  
_And I'll be your moat."_

They sang together again, looking lovingly into each other's eyes, _"I think they meant it_  
_When they said you can't buy love._  
_Now I know you can rent it._  
_A new lease you are, my love_  
_On life_

"_All my life_  
_I've longed to discover_  
_Something as true as this is."_

Adam sang, _"So with a thousand sweet kisses."_

Kurt inserted, "_If you're cold and you're lonely."_

Adam continued, _"And I'll cover you._  
_With a thousand sweet kisses_  
_I'll cover you."_

Kurt inserted again, "_You've got one nickel only_  
_With a thousand sweet kisses_  
_I'll cover you."_

Adam cut in, _"When you're worn out and tired."_

Kurt continued, _"With a thousand sweet kisses_  
_I'll cover you."_

Adam inserted, _"When your heart has expired."_

They sang together again, _"Oh, lover, I'll cover you._  
_Oh, lover, I'll cover you."_

They kissed, ignoring all the New Yorkers passing by them in a hurry, sending them a few mystified glances before deciding that they must be out advertising a revival of the musical or something and going back to acting as if it were completely normal to suddenly start singing, dancing and kissing in the middle of the sidewalk. After all, it was New York, and less than fourty-five minutes from Broadway.

**The End**


	17. Excerpt 1: Of Meetings

**Title:** Chasing Dreams

**Beta-reader: **onthaedge (lj)

**Artist: **marsmaywander (tumblr)

**Pairing: **Kadam

**Warnings:** suicide attempt and ideation, mentioned non-con towards adults and children, violence, pagan beliefs

**Author's Note: **This story was written for the Kurt Big Bang.

A thousand thanks to my beta and artist for choosing to work with me. It's been amazing. :)

Additionally, I don't own Glee. Never have and never will. If I did, there'd be some changes.

This is a gift for my wonderful beta, onthaedge, since she requested I write the scene, but the story was already supposed to be sent in. So, without further ado, I give you the missing scene.

_ooo_

**Excerpt: Of Meetings**

Kurt lay on his bed in a ball, cuddling his teddy bear, as silent tears poured down his youthful face. Upstairs he could hear his daddy talking with the other grown-ups; trying, in vain, to push the pain away in order to deal with the mundane world. Kurt didn't understand how he could. He felt that he was being swallowed by his and other people's pain at losing his mommy.

Both of these were part of the reason he was hiding away in his room. He'd hoped that it would hurt less if they were further from him. It hadn't helped. Instead, it had just let him feel his own pain stronger. The other reason was that he didn't want to be a burden to his daddy. He was dealing with enough already. He didn't need Kurt hanging on to him. He'd practically said as much the night Kurt's mommy had died.

Kurt was exhausted, but refused to sleep. He didn't want to see him mommy die again. He didn't want to see other people dying or hurting themselves or others. His daddy had tried to get him to sleep and to eat, but Kurt didn't want to. The food tasted wrong because it wasn't mommy's cooking and when he slept the dreams and visions would come. Kurt didn't want to watch and feel his mommy dying over and over again in his dreams, but if he wasn't having a vision; it was usually about his mommy.

Unfortunately, though, Kurt had yet to master this thing his daddy called insomnia, and kept falling asleep against his will. He knew that this would be one of those times as his eyes slipped closed again and he found it more difficult every time to open them up again. Finally they slipped closed and stayed that way as he fell asleep to the sound of his father and uncle talking.

_ooo_

Kurt woke to find himself in a familiar place and smiled. He liked it there. It meant that he wouldn't be seeing things that night. He quickly left the woods to enter into the cleared area around the cabin and pond.

When he entered the area, though, much to his surprise, there was another boy there. He looked to be several years older than Kurt. He seemed vaguely familiar, as if Kurt had seen him before. Kurt felt drawn to him and his blond hair and blue eyes, but he didn't understand why. So, he decided to ignore the feeling, instead focusing on the second strongest emotion he was feeling: annoyance.

This was Kurt's place to rest in. He didn't need other kids or grown-ups there bothering him. He got enough of that in school. He didn't want to be bullied at his cabin as well. It wasn't fair. This was his place. Why did he have to share it?

Kurt scowled at the intruder and stated, "You don't belong here."

The other boy countered with, "Where is here?" He had a strange accent that Kurt had only ever heard on TV. Part of Kurt really liked it. He figured it was because it didn't sound like the way the bullies at school spoke.

"Here is –" Kurt floundered, "here. And seeing as you don't know where you are, you should leave, because you don't belong here. This is my place."

The blond just smiled awkwardly. "I'm sorry for intruding, but how can I return without knowing how I got here? Last I knew I was going to sleep in my hospital bed and then I was suddenly here."

"You're sick?" Kurt bit his lip and felt slightly bad. "I'm sorry."

The other boy just smiled softly. "I was sick but I'm getting better now."

"Why are you in the hospital, if you're not sick anymore?"

"Well, you see, my kidneys stopped working. I was lucky and they were able to find a new one for me. They had to open me up though. I'll have a wicked scar once I'm healed though. All the other boys are going to be so jealous."

"Can I see?" Kurt asked.

The blond shook his head. "No, it isn't healed yet. I have a Band-Aid covering it and the doctors would be mad if I took it off to look at it."

"Oh." Kurt gave him a slightly disappointed look.

"I'll show it to you once it's healed, okay? I promise."

Kurt smiled. "Thanks!"

"So, um, since you can't tell me where we are, could you maybe tell me who you are?"

"I'm –" Kurt found himself unable to say his name. He tried again, "I'm –" He pursed his lips and scowled. "You go first!"

The other boy shook his head. "No, you go first. I'm older and the youngest always starts."

"I'm –" Kurt tried again before stomping his foot in frustration. "I can't do it! I can't say my name!"

The other boy replied, "I'll try then. I'm –" he broke off. "I can't seem to say it either. How strange. Well, let's try with other information then and see what we can say."

"I don't want to."

"Don't be such a baby."

"I'm eight! I'm not a baby!"

"And I'm twelve. You're younger than me so I can call you a baby if I want to." There was a moment of silence as Kurt pouted and tried to ignore the other boy. "Okay, fine, be that way. I'll start. I'm from the United Kingdom, Britain to be exact. I've been in the hospital for a few weeks now, but have been able to keep up at school, because my mum picks up my school work for me every day, helps me understand it and drops off the finished pieces. I miss going to school."

"Why would you miss school?"

"Because, it's boring being in the hospital. I didn't think I'd miss it in the beginning. Now I envy the people who are healthy and able to do normal things like that. I look forward to finally leaving and going back to school. It's a public school with a focus on arts. I wanted to go there for so long and after I finally got in, my health deteriorated."

"An art school? Shouldn't it be a private school then, if you have to pay tuition?"

"No, it's a public one, because not everyone is let in and you have to pay tuition."

"That's the definition of a private school."

"No, they let anyone into private schools."

Kurt huffed. "You're wrong. I know what I'm talking about."

The other boy insisted, "No, you're wrong. I'm the older one of us. I know more about this than you do. Now tell me about yourself."

"I'm American and live in –" he paused, unable to say Lima, before continuing, "a town in Ohio. I live alone with my daddy because my mommy just died. Sometimes I see things that are happening elsewhere, feel things that other people are feeling or hear their thoughts. I don't like school. I like to learn, but I don't like school. The other boys there are mean."

The blond pre-teen clapped his hands. "You feel things that other people are too? That's great! I'm not alone!"

Kurt paused for a moment. "Wait, if you're English, you must like tea, right?"

The boy nodded. "Yeah, we drink a lot of it. Why?"

"Let's have a tea party!"

"But there isn't anything to have the tea party with, silly."

Kurt shook his head. "No, there is! Just close your eyes very tightly and think about what you want and it'll show up. Trust me."

The two of them closed their eyes tightly and thought about the table, chairs, teapot and cups, complete with a dish for the cream and another for the sugar. They thought about cookies, cake and scones. When they opened their eyes again they found the table there decked out with everything the two of them had individually imagined.

They sat down and the other boy poured the tea for both of them. Kurt noted how well he held the pot and later his cup – never once using his pinky finger. "You know, you're the first guy I've known who's actually done this right."

"My mother taught me well."

Kurt giggled. "I think I like you."

The blond smiled back warmly.

"That's good, because I like you too."

**The End**

A.N. If there's any other one-shots you'd like to read in this universe, tell me and I'll see what I can do. :)


	18. Excerpt 2: Of Ghosts

**Title:** Chasing Dreams  
**Beta-reader: **shadowwanderer (lj)  
**Disclaimer: **If you recognize it, it isn't mine.  
**Pairing: **Kadam  
**Warnings:** suicide attempt and ideation, mentioned non-con towards adults and children, violence, pagan beliefs  
**Author's Note:** This excerpt is dedicated to Lisa Huff on AO3. I hope you've recovered well from your surgery and I'm sorry that this little get-better gift of mine is a little late.  
She requested a one-shot with the song "I Guess It Doesn't Matter Anymore" by Blackmore's Night.

When visiting the Glee wikia page for the Adam's Apples there's a list of the various Apples with a number attributed to them. Here's the list of what I decided to call them:

Apple #1 | Dianne Marks  
Apple #2 | Gabriel Marquez  
Apple #3 | George Brown  
Apple #4 | Dirk Samuels  
Apple #5 | Pierre Mortier  
Apple #6 | Ernesto Sanchez  
Apple #7 | Paul Halasz  
Apple #8 | Hans Meier  
Apple #9 | Samantha Baker  
Apple #10 | Joanne Aarons  
Apple #11 | Megumi Kitamura

_ooo_

**Of Ghosts**

The Apples, thrilled with the news that Kurt and Adam were officially a couple again, decided to throw a party. Kurt automatically vetoed any alcohol, citing that hated the stuff and what it did to people, so they started trying to come up with new ideas for the party.

Various ideas were suggested from playing charades to playing Apples to Apples. Noticing that Megumi hadn't made any suggestions yet, Joanne turned her and asked, "Are there any traditional Japanese games we could play?"

Everyone turned to Megumi, who swallowed nervously before answering, "Well, during the Edo period, there was something they did called 'Hyakumonogatari Kaidankai.' It's very simple and doesn't require alcohol. We'd only need one hundred candles and a lot of ghost stories."

Intrigued, Adam asked, "Ghost stories?"

Megumi nodded hesitantly. "Yes. You light one hundred candles in a dark room and, after every story that's told, you extinguish one of the lights so, the more stories are told, the darker the room gets."

Samantha brushed her blond hair out of her eyes before chirping from Joanne's lap, "That sounds like fun!"

Joanne nodded before pushing her glasses up on her nose again. "Sounds wicked."

Pierre suggested, "Let's do it at our place. Between Gabriel, Dirk, Ernesto and me, we have the biggest apartment and we'll need enough space to put all those candles."

Kurt suggested, "We could probably do it at my place, too."

Adam raised an eyebrow and asked, "With Rachel and Santana there?"

Kurt winced. "Then again, yeah; let's do it at you guys' place."

Dianne offered, "I'll bring chips."

Joanne added, "I can bring cupcakes."

Adam cut in, "No marijuana, Jo."

She scrunched up her nose. "But that's no fun."

Adam shook his head. "Remember Paul the last time you brought a space cake for your birthday?"

The whole group, except Paul and Kurt, started chortling. She retorted, "But that was funny! I've never seen him less uptight."

Paul blushed slightly. "Speak for yourself. I still don't know how I ended up in bed with Megumi and Hans. Hans doesn't even like girls."

Kurt gave Adam a questioning look, to which he responded with a whisper, "I'll tell you later."

Hans smiled slightly and spoke in a slight German accent, "It was worth it, though."

Kurt hadn't quite figured out how Hans had gotten into the school with his strong German accent, but figured it was probably because he was majoring in costume design. Kurt had seen some of his creations in some of the plays that were put on at NYADA and they were absolutely brilliant. He assumed that, with talent like that, they didn't want to let him go – even if he couldn't speak English very well.

_ooo_

Soon, everyone had agreed on what they'd all bring to the party and had set the date for the coming Saturday evening. Kurt was bringing cookies. They split up to go their separate ways: Adam and Samantha to their place; Hans and Joanne to theirs; Gabriel, Dirk, Pierre and Ernesto to their flat and the rest of the Apples to their various dormitories. Kurt pondered for a few minutes whether he needed to go home before deciding to just go with Adam and Samantha. He could use a good sleep.

_ooo_

That Saturday, Kurt brought some oatmeal-raisin cookies and honey-lemon bars. He set them on the counter, along with the numerous other sweets and drinks. They'd be ordering pizza later for supper, since no one felt like cooking for thirteen people with varying likes and dislikes.

They closed the shutters on the windows and drew the curtains closed to make it as dark as possible before lighting all of the one hundred white candles. Megumi had explained to them that it was important that they were white, since white is the color of mourning in Asia.

Since Megumi had been the one to suggest the game, they all agreed that she should go first. She told the story about Garei – the picture ghost.

"Many years ago, there was a folding screen with the portrait of a woman holding her child. It was old and falling apart. It was the property of the Kanju-ji temple in Kyoto where it was kept in a storehouse.

"One day, the samurai Honamiden sent a request to borrow the screen. The temple was happy to comply, thinking that it was just a worthless nuisance, and sent it to him right away.

"Even though the screen had seen better days, the painting was beautiful and Honamiden proudly put it on display. The first night it was there, he started to receive reports of a strange woman they'd seen near his manor. She was beautiful and was holding a small child. One of Honamiden's servants followed the woman into the house and gasped when he saw her disappear into the painting on the screen.

"Honamiden returned the screen to Kanju-ji right as quickly as possible, not saying anything about the strange woman or the incident. A beautiful painting was one thing – attracting strange spirits was an entirely different matter.

"The same woman started to appear near the Kanju-ji temple, as well. A servant, suspecting the painting was the source, placed a piece of paper over her head. Sure enough, that evening, her head was covered by a piece of paper.

"Kanju-ji had some artists come to check out the painting and they all agreed that it was done by Tosa Mitsuoki – and was an important work, at that. Since Tosa was dead, no one knew what the story behind the painting was, but they all agreed that such a valuable painting shouldn't be allowed to fall apart. The temple paid to have it restored and displayed it. After that, the strange woman never appeared again."

Kurt felt a strange feeling surround him as she finished the story and had to fight his desire to reach out and clasp Adam's hand as Megumi blew the first candle out. He asked, "Who'll go next?"

Hans clapped his hands and grinned. "I will. This is a story that happened in Switzerland, close to where I was born."

Kurt interrupted, "I thought you were from Germany."

"I am German. I was born in Switzerland because my parents were working there. Years ago, there were a lot of unexplained car accidents on one of the highways. They were very strange, because the highway was straight and accidents like that shouldn't have happened. Even if they were driving much too fast, it wouldn't have been possible to start spinning out of control.

"The accidents were never caused by other people and no one ever survived, until a bus spun out of control. It was a terrible accident with sixteen deaths and only two survivors: they were two brothers, aged eight and ten, who had been sitting behind the bus driver, who had died in the crash.

"After the boys had recovered, they were questioned separately and both told the same story, which caused many more questions.

"The bus was on the highway and was driving at the speed limit. Suddenly, a horse-drawn wagon appeared before them out of nowhere, with its driver swinging his whip. The wagon had hay and an old boundary stone.

"Both brothers told the exact same story. A local historian heard about it and asked them to tell their stories again. She researched and discovered that it must be the 'Roggenbauer' who had once owned the land. He had refused to sell his land for the freeway to go through and the Kanton had eventually been forced to take it from him. Shortly after the highway had been finished, he'd died. He'd never found peace with his land being taken from him. A while after his death, the mysterious accidents had started.

"When asked what to do, the local historian suggested putting the boundary stone back exactly where it had been before. A land surveyor was given the job of doing this and he placed it right in the middle of the right side of the highway. That piece of the highway was blocked off until they finished. Now the highway makes a big curve around the boundary stone and no more accidents have happened. People wonder if the Roggenbauer has finally found his peace."

Kurt physically shuddered and gave in to the temptation to hold Adam's hand as Hans blew out the next candle.

Dirk spoke up next. "Many years ago, on a dark, stormy night, an engineer was driving his train, as usual. He was looking forward to finishing his shift and getting some sleep, because driving at night and in the rain was tiring. He was approaching a bridge, when he saw a light from what seemed like a lantern swinging back and forth as if in warning. He halted right away and exited the train, but the light, and whatever had been holding it, had disappeared. Having a strange feeling, he walked along the tracks a short ways until he reached the bridge – or rather what was left of it.

"The torrents of rain had made the river it crossed swell up until its torrents were strong enough to pull one of the pillars with them. Shortly after, the bridge had collapsed into the valley. The engineer was in shock. He'd almost driven to his death – if it hadn't been for that strange light waving back and forth, he'd have died. He went back to his train and radioed the last checkpoint to tell them what happened, so they could warn the other trains."

Dirk blew out the next candle and Kurt smiled. That story hadn't been so bad.

One by one, each of the Apples told a ghost story, blowing out the candles one by one. As it grew darker, Kurt started to get the feeling that they were being watched. Though many of the stories didn't really affect him that much, there were a few that made him shudder – occasionally, he'd also feel a chill breeze sweep through the wind-still room. After a story that Megumi told about a hotel in Korea, Kurt climbed into Adam's lap. She told them about a man who stayed there in the room that had once belonged to the son of the owner. The son had been a transsexual and had killed herself because her parents wouldn't accept it. She'd taken the man with her and the only things that remained were his shoes. Afterwards, she blew out another candle.

Kurt gathered his courage together and spoke. "Before we moved, there was a room underneath our stairs. Part of the carpet was newer than the rest of it and there was newer paint on the wall in that spot. As a child, I always knew not to go there. I would dash by it. I stayed as far away as possible from it, until I started asking myself why. Finally, being a stupid kid, I went down in there and closed the door. I wanted to stop being afraid, so I stood there. Fairly soon, the awful feeling that always surrounded the place grew stronger and stronger until I saw two ghosts materialize. One was a woman. Her head was concave and it looked like silvery blood was still leaking out from it. The other person was a man. He turned to look at me and smirked at me. He was wearing a top hat, but there was a silver dagger sticking out of his chest. He forced the woman to walk towards me and it grew so cold in there, as if they were sucking all the warmth out of the room. I started to shiver. She tried to enter my body, but I pushed her out, because it was my body. She couldn't have it. He couldn't have it. As soon as she retreated, I opened the door, although the knob was so cold that my sweaty hand almost stuck to it, and left the room. I avoided that room ever since and was utterly thrilled when we had to move to a bigger house. I don't know what it was, but something kept them bound to that room, for which I will always be grateful."

Kurt shook slightly as he blew out a candle and silence descended upon the room. Kurt cuddled back into Adam's warmth, feeling secure and protected as he automatically wrapped his arms around him.

George finally cut the silence and spoke. "Up in North Carolina, by a bridge, occasionally when it's raining, drivers will see a young woman, wearing a white party dress, trying to flag down a ride. If they stop to help her, she'll climb in, explain that her name is Lydia and she's trying to get home from a dance. She'll give directions to a house fairly close by. If the driver tries to talk with her, she won't respond, seemingly in a world of her own. However, once he pulls into the driveway of the address, she'll disappear.

"If he goes to knock on the door of the house, he'll meet an old woman. Once he tells her his story about trying to pick Lydia up and then how she disappears, the old woman will look pained and explain to him how Lydia was her daughter, who died in a car accident near the bridge on her way home from a party. She's been trying to get home ever since."

As he blew out a candle, Samantha piped up, "I know one that's almost the same, except her name was Mary and it was close to Chicago. Blackmore's Night based a song on her called 'I Guess It Doesn't Matter Anymore.'"

Adam waved at her. "Go ahead, sing it."

Samantha grinned at him and started to sing,

"_Standing in the rain –  
The cold and angry rain –  
In a long white dress  
A girl without a name._

"_She stood beneath the light  
Glowing like a candle bright.  
I guess it doesn't matter anymore.  
No, I guess it doesn't matter anymore._

"_I pulled along the side  
And offered her a ride.  
Like the rolling mist, she floated inside.  
As we drove away,  
She had nothing to say,  
So I guess it doesn't matter anymore.  
No, I guess it doesn't matter anymore._

"_I believe, some things can't be explained.  
They are hidden in the mist and in the silver rain_

"_The road was long;  
It ran on  
When I heard her singing her silent song.  
I knew the melody  
From my memory,  
But I guess it doesn't matter anymore.  
Said I guess it doesn't matter anymore._

"_Finally, she spoke,  
_'_Come pull off the road,'  
Saying she was headin' home.  
I turned and she was gone.  
I was all alone,  
But I guess it doesn't matter anymore.  
Said I guess it doesn't matter anymore._

"_As I walked away,  
No reason to stay,  
She had faded back into the grey.  
A whisper in the trees,  
You could hear it in the breeze,  
Said, "I guess it doesn't matter anymore."  
No, I guess it doesn't matter anymore."_

Samantha asked, "So, do I get to blow out another candle now?"

They all turned to Megumi, who shrugged. "Sure. You told a ghost story – even if through a song."

Paul grinned, "Now it's my turn. This is a filk song by Leslie Fish. It's called 'Carmen Miranda's Ghost Is Haunting Space Station Three." He sang,

"_Carmen Miranda's ghost is haunting Space Station Three.  
Half the staff has seen her, plus the Portmaster and me  
And, if you think we've had too much of Cookie's homemade rum,  
Just tell me where those basket-hats of fruit keep coming from._

"_Don't go down to the cargo-bay when there's no ship in dock.  
You just might hear maracas clack and get a nasty shock  
And, if you hear a rumba-beat, don't pass the messroom door:  
You just might see a tangerine come rolling down the floor._

"_We sometimes catch a glimpse of her, by station night or day  
But, when we try to catch her, she just laughs and fades away.  
The station's chief headshrinker takes his notes and drains his cup.  
We get rotated often, but she still keeps showing up._

"_We don't know why we're haunted here or why it's her that haunts.  
We've got a betting-pool for all who wonder what she wants.  
The best odds say she likes the rhythm of the station's drive;  
They didn't have phase-generators while she was alive._

"_Carmen Miranda's ghost is haunting Space Station Three;  
Not that we're complaining, since the fresh fruit all comes free,  
But now and then we wonder what it means for the human race  
That ghosts of generations past are taking off for space."_

The group laughed as Paul blew out his candle.

Dianne commented, "Well, now I can finally make good on you getting me hooked on filk, Paul, because I've got another ghost filk song for you guys."

Kurt rolled his eyes. "He's introduced all of us to filk. You and Joanne are just the ones that he managed to get hooked on it."

Joanne scowled, her lip piercing jutting out. "I'm not hooked. I just listen to it. Occasionally." Her girlfriend, Samantha, raised a golden eyebrow at her. "Okay, fine, I listen to it a lot. I'm still not hooked, though."

Adam grinned. "Sure you aren't. So, you don't have another filk song to add as well?"

"I have one in mind, but I'll only sing it, if Dianne doesn't sing it first."

Adam nodded. "That's fair. So, go on, Dianne."

Dianne nodded. "This song is called 'Dawson's Christian' and it's by Duane Elms."

Adam asked, "So, Jo, is that the song you had in mind?"

She shook her head. "No. Mine is 'Guardians,' also by Leslie Fish."

"Well, then you can sing yours right after Dianne blows out her candle."

Dianne sang,

"_Jayme Dawson was the Captain of the Christian and her crew  
And he flew and fought the Christian in the War of '82.  
Now, the Christian was the tightest ship 'tween here and Charlemagne  
And the crew of Jayme Dawson was the same._

"_On patrol in sector seven, keeping watch on Barber's sun,  
They were jumped by three light cruisers, though they weren't a match for one.  
As they came to general quarters and they sent out the alarm,  
Dawson's crew was sure they'd finally bought the farm._

"_No one living saw that battle, though the fleet was quick to leave.  
When they reached the site, they found a scene no sane man could believe.  
Dead in space lay three light cruisers, cut to ribbons all around,  
But no sign of Dawson's Christian could be found._

"_There are stories of the Dutchman, the Celeste and Barnham's Pride;  
There are stories of the Horseman and the Lady at his side,  
But the tale that chills my spirit, more because I know it's true,  
Is the tale of Jayme Dawson and his crew;  
Yes, the tale of Dawson's Christian and her crew._

"_I was second mate on Hera's Dream, a freighter of the line.  
We were shipping precious metals to the colony on Nine.  
It was the second watch of that most uneventful flight  
When the pirate ships appeared out of the night._

"_Now, to me, there was no question, for they had us four to one  
And you can't fight dirty pirates when your freighter has no gun,  
So we stood by to be boarded by a party yet unseen  
When another ship appeared upon our screen._

"_First we thought it just a pirate, but the vector was all wrong.  
Then we thought it might be rescue, but the signal wasn't strong.  
When she didn't answer hailing, we all felt an unknown dread,  
For we saw her shields were up and glowing red._

"_Now, the courage of that single ship is shown by very few,  
But we never knew a ship could fly the way the stranger flew.  
Never fearing guns or numbers, like a tiger to its meat,  
The stranger then attacked the pirate fleet._

"_And the stranger's beams burned brighter than all beams I'd seen before  
And the stranger's shields were harder than the heart of any whore.  
As the battle rent the ether, while we watched and shook our heads,  
The pirate ships were cut to bloody shreds.  
The pirate ships were cut to bloody shreds._

"_Just as quickly as it started, then the fighting was all done,  
For the pirate fleet was shattered and the stranger's ship had won.  
Though we tried to call and thank her, not an answer could we draw,  
Then she dropped her shields and this is what we saw._

"_There were thirty holes clear through her and a gash along one side  
And we knew that, when it happened, that no crew were left alive.  
For the markings all said 'Christian.' Deep inside us, each one knew  
'Twas the tomb of Jayme Dawson and his crew._

"_Now, instead of flying off, the stranger then began to fade:  
First the hull and then the bulkheads, as we cowered there afraid  
For, as the Christian disappeared, the last to slip from view  
Were the bones of Jayme Dawson and his crew.  
Yes, the bones of Jayme Dawson and his crew._

"_There are stories of the Dutchman, the Celeste and Barnham's Pride,  
There are stories of the Horseman and the Lady at his side,  
But the tale that chills my spirit, and I swear to God it's true,  
Is the tale of Jayme Dawson and his crew;  
Yes, the tale of Dawson's Christian and her crew."_

As Dianne blew out her candle, Joanne sang,

"_He wasn't quite sure what went wrong,  
Just that the engines blew  
And flung him hard against the wall  
And him the only crew.  
He felt like he'd been broke in half,  
He passed out twice from pain  
And, when he heard the voices,  
He was sure he'd gone insane._

"_Just two of them, at first, it was  
And then a dozen more.  
He blinked to see two women  
Beside him on the floor.  
He thought they might be angels,  
But they weren't like angels much:  
No wings, no robes, just plain grey spacer  
Coveralls and such._

"'_You're not dead yet, my friend,  
And it's not quite your time to go,'  
The first one said, 'Now look,  
Your rescue beacon's down below.  
It says that there's another ship  
Not far away at all.  
You still have two good arms, my friend,  
So grit your teeth and crawl.'_

"_They winked out then, the pain clamped down;  
He thought he'd move no more.  
Another one appeared  
Beside him on the floor.  
_'_Come on, tovarich,' this one urged.  
_'_You'll make it, I don't doubt.  
Show me some of these Yankee guts  
I've heard so much about.'_

"_It seemed to take eternity  
To crawl from here to there:  
The pain at least a hundred times  
Was more than he could bear  
But, every time he'd start to quit,  
Lie down, give up and die,  
Another would appear beside him  
Urging him to try._

"_He reached the beacon in a daze  
Of fever, mist and pain.  
He hit the activator  
And he saw them once again.  
_'_Remember friend,' the woman said,  
_'_When death is closing fast,  
It's then you try your hardest,  
For the darkness will not last.'_

"_He passed out then, the rescue came;  
They brought him safely home  
And he forgot it all  
Until he got to Luna dome.  
He passed beneath the hologram  
That stands above the door  
And recognized those faces there:  
He'd seen them all before._

"_Gus and Ed and Roger  
Made him hold to hope and try.  
The Russians, Ronald, Crista, too,  
They wouldn't let him die.  
He knew whose words had saved him  
And he knew that, in the end,  
He'd go to join their company  
And greet them as a friend."_

They all clapped as Joanne blew out the candle. Kurt noticed that the feeling of being watched had dissipated and, instead, there was one of fun in the air. Over half the candles were already blown out and he was getting tired. He looked at his watch and winced at the time. "Guys, as much fun as this is, I think it's time to head to bed. It's late and I really don't want to mess any further with my sleep schedule."

He managed to get the rest of the group to reluctantly agree, though it was much easier once Adam joined in, and soon sleeping arrangements were made for everyone. The existing beds were shared, the couch was pulled out to make room for a few more people and the rest of the group agreed to sleep on the floor.

Kurt and Adam lucked out and were situated on the fold-out couch, where they cuddled together to give Megumi, Samantha and Joanne more room. Dianne had insisted on sleeping on the floor, to show off how tough she was. Kurt quickly fell into a peaceful sleep, secure in the knowledge that Adam would be there.

_ooo_

In the middle of the night, Kurt woke up with visions of glowing red eyes filling his mind, shaking like a leaf. He looked around to see where Adam was and couldn't find him. He started shivering stronger and a tear came to his eye. All of a sudden, he felt the eyes back on him that he'd felt during the evening and wanted to scream for Adam, but nothing would come out.

He heard a toilet flush then frenzied footsteps approached him. A moment later, he was held securely in Adam's arms again and the panic subsided. He stood up, though, walked over to one of the windows and opened the shudders. It was a new moon, so it was dark out except for the neon lights and street lights of the city that lit the entire area. There was a patch of blurry darkness, however. It looked up at him menacingly, its glowing red eyes meeting his.

This time, however, Kurt was not alone. He told it, "Be gone, spirit. This is not your place. Go to the spirit world and leave this one behind. Odin is out tonight. Go now before I call the wild hunt down upon you."

The dark shape snarled at him, but dashed away, all the same. Shortly thereafter, Kurt and Adam could hear the sounds of horses as Kurt drew the shudders closed. Kurt knew the wild hunt, drawn by his words, had gotten the trail of the spirit that had been bothering him.

Kurt whispered to Adam, "I hate it when that happens. Those things are attracted to ghost stories like nobody's business. Then they give everyone close to them nightmares, while feeding off of their fears."

Adam kissed Kurt's temple. "Let's go back to bed before Megumi rolls over into our space."

Kurt giggled as he let himself be dragged back into bed, noting that everyone seemed to be sleeping more calmly now.

**The End**


	19. Excerpt 3: Bah Humbug?

**Title:** Chasing Dreams  
**Beta-reader: **shadowwanderer (lj)  
**Disclaimer: **If you recognize it, it isn't mine.  
**Pairing: **Kadam  
**Warnings:** suicide attempt and ideation, mentioned non-con towards adults and children, violence, pagan beliefs  
**Author's Note: **This excerpt is dedicated to NormalGirl23, who requested more scenes with Kathy and an unbelieving OC Police Officer, who hasn't worked with her before.

_ooo_

**Bah Humbug…?**

Michael grumbled as he waited for the FBI agents he was supposed to work with to arrive. Apparently, they were picking some kid up along the way to help out. He didn't know how a kid could be of any help to them. If anything, the kid would be a hindrance.

It wasn't that Michael didn't like kids. Of course he liked kids. He had two of his own. They were at friends' houses. His eldest, Mitchel, was bound and determined to become a police officer, just like his daddy and his daughter, Caroline, wanted to become a pilot in the air force and shoot down other planes, like her grandpa did before he retired. Jacob really hoped they would eventually change their minds. They were ten and eight, respectively, so it was fairly likely. He'd much prefer them to choose safer jobs, like running a line of clothes stores or being an architect – even being an artist would be better in his eyes.

Every career day, his kids would beg him to take them with them. Michael would always refuse. His job wasn't something he wanted his kids to see. He didn't want his kids getting in the way. He didn't want his kids in potential danger. This was the main reason he didn't want the FBI to be dragging a kid along with them. Police and FBI word was dangerous. It was no place for children.

His partner, Pete, was a little more laid back about the thing. He'd said, "Mike, if they wanna bring the kid in, let them. I'm sure they know what they're doing. I'm sure they've got a good reason. Chill. Have a donut."

At the thought of donuts, Michael reached inside the container of donuts they bought every day prior to their patrol. Pete usually ate most of them, making Michael wonder where he put all of it. He had to make sure that he worked out in the gym at work to stop himself from gaining weight.

While waiting, he opened the file on the girl they were looking for. She was seventeen, had light blue eyes and long dirty blond hair that was done up in a French braid. She'd last been seen on her way to high school in Toledo Ohio by her mother. She'd never arrived at school and no one had heard from her ever since. No witnesses claimed to have seen anything on her path to school. Her name was Henrietta Larsson. The FBI claimed to have a lead on the case and was coming to help out. But they'd had to pick up that kid in Lima first, wasting precious time when who knew what could be happening to the poor girl.

He ground his teeth in frustration. They should be there already. He really hated working with the FBI and his boss knew it. He tried to accommodate, which Michael was glad for, however, he and his partner were in charge of this case and if there was anything Michael hated more than working with the FBI, it was giving up one of his cases. He'd made a commitment. He'd promised Henrietta's mom to do his best to find her. He was not going to let her down.

He took a swig of his coffee, wrinkling his nose because it had grown cold; despite the thermal cup he'd had the barista put it in. He despised cold coffee.

_ooo_

Time passed and just as Michael was thinking about stopping by the nearest café for a fresh coffee, the FBI agents finally arrived. He wrinkled his nose in distaste as he took note of the obviously prepubescent girl in the back seat. Her long brown hair was perfectly styled and she was wearing a straw sun hat with a ribbon, of all things, tied around it. As she got out of the car he noted that she was wearing a blue jumper and white blouse with a petticoat and blue sandals over white socks. If it weren't for the hat, the shoes and the missing dog, he could have sworn that Dorothy had just gotten out of the car.

He snidely said to one of the FBI Agents he recognized as Agent McLaughlin, "So, tell me again, why did you need to pick up a child? Aren't you good enough on your own?"

The agent just rolled his eyes. "_Kathy_," he emphasized, "is clairvoyant. She saw what happened to Miss Larsson and agreed to help figure out where she was taken."

"Psychics don't exist."

Pete said in a warningly, "Michael…"

"Even if she was a psychic, couldn't she just reach out with her mind's eye and find the girl that way?"

The girl shook her head and answered before either of the agents could, "It doesn't work that way. I don't choose what I see. It's rare that I actually see something that is of use to you, because I either see things from the victim's or the perpetrator's eyes. This time it was through her abductee's eyes, so I knew who had been taken." He noted she had a very melodic voice and guessed that she was probably a singer.

Michael rolled his eyes and retorted sarcastically, "Well, isn't that nice. Just stay out of the way, kid. Don't try to do any heroics."

The girl, Kathy, rolled her eyes. "Don't worry about that. I'm not stupid. I stay in the car. I just help guide Agent McLaughlin where to drive."

"I don't like or trust you."

She cocked an eyebrow at him and answered in an aloof manner that made his blood boil, "I know, sir, but frankly I don't care. I don't trust you either. Both Agent McLaughlin and Agent Peterson have seen me in action, though and they trust me. That's all I need."

Pete cut in, "Let's just get going. The longer we wait the more harm could come to her."

Kathy shook her head. "Her captor won't do anything yet. First he's going to try and win her over with physical toys and pretty clothes. He's going to treat her like a princess. He isn't really interested in her sexually. He's been trying to replace his little sister. From what I could tell, while in his mind, he watched his father kill her when she was about twelve years old – about the same age as Henrietta Larsson is. This is the fourth state he's settled in, that we know of. Eventually all the girls he's kidnapped understandably want to go home. At that point he gets angry with them and reenacts the scene of his father murdering his sister."

Michael narrowed his eyes at the FBI agents and asked, "Is it your policy to share confidential information with minors, who don't even work for you?"

Agent Peterson raised his hands. "Hey, we didn't tell her most of that stuff. She already knew pretty much everything except about the matching cases in other states. As a matter of fact, she's added stuff to our original file."

Michael grunted, "Okay, fine, whatever. I'll give you guys the benefit of the doubt, since you obviously believe the junk you're spouting. Let's go and save the poor girl."

Michael ignored his partner's whisper of, "Finally" and fired up the engine.

Kathy shook her head gently, careful not to dislodge her hat. "No, not quite yet. You'll have to take us along her school route, so that I can figure out exactly where she was snatched from."

Michael ground his teeth. "Whatever. Then get in the damn car."

Pete spoke, "Maybe it would be better if I drove this time, Jake."

Michael shot him a glare. "No. I'm driving. And the little Miss will sit in front to direct us and show us what she's got."

Agent McLaughlin spoke up, "I really don't think –"

"I know the route, so you'll be following me anyway. Better to keep it that way and have her give me directions directly."

"I'm from Toledo too. I know the layout of the town."

"I know. That's the only reason I'm giving in to this at all." He paused. "Well, that and orders."

"Fine, but Kathy will get back into our car once we arrive."

"Whatever. As long as she stays out of the way."

"Don't worry, she will. She's done this before."

They scowled at each other for a few more moments until they finally all got situated into the agreed upon sitting arrangement and got going. When they reached the place Henrietta hat been kidnapped, they were heading in the wrong direction, so they'd had to do a U-turn. However, after that, Michael quickly grew impressed at how decisively Kathy was navigating them.

Within almost no time at all, they'd reached the factory area of the town and nestled in between two rarely used warehouses, she led them to a shabby-looking apartment complex. It was due to be demolished soon, so no one was living there – or at least, no one should have been living there.

She gave them instructions on where exactly to find the girl and exited the car to get into Agent McLaughlin's car as soon as he arrived. He was just getting out of the car as well, when he heard a voice call out, "Kathryn! Are you trying to run away again?"

To Michael's dread, he noticed that a strange man with short light brown hair had grabbed Kathy. She was situated between Michael and the newcomer, but he drew his weapon just in case.

Kathy surprised him though, when she turned to him, "But, Zane, what if daddy comes back? I know you told me I'm safe there now, but I still have the bruises from last time he came home. Where's mommy?"

"Mommy's dead, Kate, don't you remember? He hurt her really bad."

She paused for a moment. "Oh, yeah. But the police are our friends, aren't they? There's a police car right there. Won't they protect us from daddy?"

"No, they'll just take us back to him, Kate, or separate us. Don't worry, though, I'll protect you from them and daddy. No one will take you away from me ever again."

She whined, "But I miss my dollies…"

"I buried them for you. They were all sick and died because daddy poisoned them."

She sniffled and Jacob marveled at how well she was improvising on playing this role. "Mommy gave me those dolls, though, Zane –"

"I'll get you new ones."

"They're not the same," she stomped her foot. "I want _my_ dolls!"

"I'm sorry, but you'll have to do without. Don't be such a spoiled brat!"

"Or what? Will you hurt me like daddy does? Huh?"

"I should! But I won't, because I love you. Now go inside, while I take care of these police officers, okay, Kate?"

She grinned at him. "Okay." She walked leisurely into the apartment complex, leaving Zane free to be taken down. Michael wondered how he should go about taking the man down, until he saw him pulling out a gun from his waistband. Michael made a few hand signals to Pete and fired a taser at Zane, who accidentally set off the gun he was holding, firing a shot at his foot as he fell to the ground, muscles paralyzed from the taser.

A few minutes later, Kathy exited the apartment complex with Henrietta in tow, dressed up in a frilly pink dress she definitely hadn't been kidnapped in, and the FBI pulled up. Kathy pranced over to the car and told Agent McLaughlin loud and clear that he had missed the whole thing because he sucked at following them in traffic.

They called the ambulance to have a look at Zane, Henrietta and Kathy. The two girls were given a clean bill of health, only having accrued a few bruises. They took Zane to the hospital for monitoring though, handcuffing him to his bed. Michael was relieved that he had Pete would be able to bring Henrietta back home, though, who was absolutely thrilled about being able to drive in an actual police car.

They parted from the agents and Kathy, because they had to bring her home so she could get her homework done at a reasonable hour.

After they left, Pete asked Michael, "So, do you believe in psychics now?"

"No, it was pure and simply dumb luck – I think."

"Some people refuse to see what's right in front of them."

Michael retorted, "There's an explanation to it that doesn't involve magic or psychic abilities. Just because we don't understand it, doesn't mean that there isn't a perfectly good reason. After all, any science that is advanced enough will appear like magic to the uninformed. I'm sure that eventually scientists will be able to explain this phenomenon."

"Whatever helps you sleep at night."

"Getting this girl home is what will help me sleep at night."

"I still say that Kathy's a psychic."

"Bah humbug – I think."

**The End**


	20. Excerpt 4: Of Visits and Introductions

**Title:** Chasing Dreams  
**Beta-reader: **shadowwanderer (lj)  
**Disclaimer: **If you recognize it, it isn't mine.  
**Pairing: **Kadam  
**Warnings:** suicide attempt and ideation, mentioned non-con towards adults and children, violence, pagan beliefs  
**Author's Note: **This excerpt is dedicated to Kurtgirl on AO3, who wanted to have the mystery of the kidney resolved.  
Also, Warning for mention of Finn's death.

_ooo_

**Of Visits and Introductions**

Kurt took off running for his father, who held his arms wide for Kurt's sobbing figure. He still blamed himself for Finn's death. If he hadn't been cuddling with Adam when Finn died, he might have seen something, in order to prevent the death. He could have phoned Noah to tell him that Finn's drink was spiked with drugs. For once, he didn't know any more than anyone else – and it was a scary thought. The investigation was on-going, but the police hadn't found anything out yet. There was no evidence except that which was left over from the autopsy. The glasses had all been thrown away at the end of the party.

Finn had left during the middle of the party, claiming that he wasn't feeling well. He'd taken a few pills to get rid of the strange feeling from the drugs, but they'd reacted poorly to the ones already in his blood stream. When Noah had gotten back, having left at the very end of the party, he'd thought that Finn was sleeping. It was only when he'd tried to wake him up later that day that he'd realized Finn was dead and had called nine-one-one.

Kurt knew it would be easy to blame Noah. He knew that Noah probably blamed himself for not realizing that something was wrong. He couldn't blame him though – not when he could have stopped it. If he hadn't fallen into the comfort of not having visions when with Adam and if he didn't spend every evening with his boyfriend that he could possibly get away with, he would have seen it. He could have saved Finn's life. He was certain.

_ooo_

Kurt felt himself pulled out of his thoughts as he felt Adam gently stroking his cheek and asking him to come back to them. Kurt's cheeks, which were reddened from the crying, grew a darker red as he drew back from his father's embrace.

He whispered, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't know. I didn't see. I –"

Burt pursed his lips as he tried to suppress the desire to cry. He clasped Kurt's shoulders tightly. "Now, you listen here, Kurt, it's not your fault any more than it's mine. We couldn't see that this would happen. No one could. Carol doesn't blame us. The only ones to blame are the idiots who drugged him. We can only hope they'll be caught. Even if you'd seen it – you couldn't have changed anything. You couldn't explain how you knew."

Kurt nodded, his gaze drifting to the ground, as his father gently guided them to their parked car. He felt Adam gently wrap his arms around him and was grateful as his perception of his father's grief weakened and his own was shared with Adam.

He blinked as he realized something. "Uhm, dad, by the way, this is Adam, my soulmate. Adam, this is my dad."

Adam winked. "I figured that much out myself." His voice grew solemn as he continued, "I really wish we could have met under better circumstances, Mr. Hummel."

"Call me Burt. I have something I need to talk to you about once we reach the house."

Kurt asked, "Is this about where you recognized his name from?"

Burt nodded. "Yeah. Uhm, just so you know, Eliza's going to be coming over with her kids and Jake. She's going to be talking to us all individually to try and help us cope. Don't hold back with her, okay, kid?"

Kurt smiled softly. "I can't wait to introduce her to Adam."

"I'm sure she can't wait to meet him – what with you talking about him constantly since you started seeing her."

Kurt's ears grew warm as he awkwardly looked away from Adam, even as Adam teased him, "You've been talking about me?"

"Um, yeah…"

"Well, that's good. It makes it a two-sided thing. I've jabbered on about you often enough as well."

Kurt's ears grew even warmer as he turned to look into Adam's clear blue eyes, only to be surprised by a kiss, which he was happy to respond to.

After a few moments, Burt awkwardly interrupted, "We still have to get to the car, you know. Parking isn't cheap here. And I really don't want to have to think about what you, Adam, might be doing to my son. There will be none of that under my roof though, just so you know."

Kurt rolled his eyes and withdrew from the kiss. "Yes, dad. He'll be sleeping in my bed though."

"I really don't think…"

"He keeps the nightmares away dad."

Burt blinked and paused before finally relenting, "Okay, fine. In that case – fine. Just – don't do anything more than sleeping."

"Dad, if it were up to you, I'd have ended up a thirty-year-old virgin."

"Ah! I don't want to hear about this. You're still my baby boy."

Kurt rolled his eyes again and retorted, "Whatever."

Adam quipped, "So, am I going to get the overprotective father speech soon about all the horrible things that will befall me if I hurt Kurt?"

Kurt inserted, "Which is completely unnecessary, because he's never going to leave me or cheat on me. We both know exactly what we have in each other and we're never going to be able to find it elsewhere."

Burt retorted, "It's completely necessary. Just because you're soulmates –" he paused, "Okay, to be honest, I don't think he'll hurt you. Not like Blaine did. But that's beside the point. There's just some things that have to be done."

Adam laughed. "And threatening your son's beaus is one of them?"

"You bet."

Kurt giggled lightly and nuzzled into the crook of his boyfriend's neck for a moment before drawing back, so they could get going.

_ooo_

Their happiness lasted only as long as the car-ride. The moment they pulled into the driveway of the Hummel household they fell silent. Kurt was the first to enter, leaving his father and Adam to take care of the luggage. There was someone else he wanted to see first.

Kurt took off his shoes and coat in the entryway and went to search for Carol. He found her in the kitchen, trying to peel potatoes. Kurt quickly noticed that her hands were trembling, though, and hurried over to hold them. He gently coaxed the potato and peeler from her stiff fingers. He asked, "What are you making?"

She sniffled. "I'm trying to make a potato casserole. But – I keep on seeing Finn's face the last time he ate it. He loved it."

"Finn loved food in general. He didn't care what it was as long as it was food."

"I know. I know! Everything I know how to cook – I've made it for him before. I have memories of him connected to everything. I don't – I don't know what to do. I remember what it was like to lose Christopher. The days I just went through existing – drifting. I want this to be over. I want him back. I want my baby back!"

Kurt sniffled. "I'm so sorry, Carol."

She shook her head. "It's not your fault. I just – I love him so much. He's my son. I don't know how to move on from this. Parents shouldn't live to see their children die."

Kurt shook his head. "I'm sorry I couldn't stop it from happening." He smiled bitterly. "What's the use of having psychics around if they can't stop things like this? If I hadn't been with Adam, I know I'd have seen it. I would have been able to do something. I know I could have."

"How could you know, Kurt? How would you know that that drink was spiked? You can't see everything. It's not your fault. I don't blame you. I never did. I should get back to cooking."

Kurt shook his head again and reached out to hug her. "No, I'll take over for you. Don't worry about it." He didn't let go though.

At that moment, Adam came into the kitchen. He suggested, "Why don't I do it for you, and you tell me what to do?"

Carol shook her head vehemently. "No! I can't have you do that! You're a guest!"

Adam smiled softly at her. "Let me help. Unfortunately, I never met Finn, so I'm the only person here who isn't grieving."

Kurt smiled softly at his boyfriend. "Carol, let me introduce by boyfriend, Adam. He's the guy I've been dreaming about since I was eight."

She sniffled and reached out her hand. "It's lovely to meet you, Adam."

"Likewise, Mrs. Hummel."

"Carol."

He smiled sweetly. "Carol then."

She giggled. "Oh my gosh, I love the way it sounds with your accent. And you're good looking too." She turned to Kurt. "He's a keeper."

Kurt added, "He's also a real gentleman, has impeccable manners and makes the best tea and hot chocolate you've ever tasted."

Adam blushed. "My mother makes much better tea than I ever could and has the best recipe for lemon scones."

"And humble too." Carol's smile grew a little strained. "I've never made scones before. I wonder if Finn –" she trailed off into a sob.

A few moments later, the doorbell rang. In the hall they could hear Eliza and Jake talking with Burt, while the kids came running into the building.

Kurt asked, "Have you told my dad that you want another child?"

Carol shook her head. "No, I couldn't. Not with his prostate cancer and now Finn's death. Before that we were so busy with you guys. And I don't want to replace Finn."

Kurt shook his head. "You wouldn't be. No one can ever replace Finn. We all know that. I think that it might help you cope though. You need someone to look after and the longer you wait the more dangerous it'll become for you and the child."

Carol nodded. "Okay. I'll talk to him."

Kurt smiled at her. "Personally, I'm hoping for a little sister to spoil rotten."

Adam joked, "That's just because she'll let you dress her up in the latest fashions, Ariel."

Kurt grinned. "Oh, honey, you see right through me."

"It's not that difficult," Adam teased.

Just then Eliza brandished her way into the kitchen, holding two hot dishes that were ready to go straight into the oven and a bag with several more that were in Tupperware. She unceremoniously checked the already heating oven before sticking them in.

Carol tried to complain, "Eliza; that really isn't necessary. I can cook."

Eliza just raised one of her eyebrows at the other woman. "I'm sure you can. As a matter of fact, I see the evidence of that in the sink. You didn't even manage to finish peeling one potato. Now, look you, I'm going to be making more hot dishes for you until you're feeling better. You need to concentrate on confronting the pain and getting over it. The last thing you should do is suppress it. If you do, you'll never get over this. So, that's what you're going to do."

Adam gave her a strange look and asked, "Do you have Welsh ancestry?"

She raised an eyebrow. "Yes, I do. Why?"

Adam nodded. "I figured. No one else says 'look you' other than the Welsh."

She gave him an appraising look. "You must be Adam. I'm Eliza."

"I've heard about you a lot."

She quipped, "Only good things, I hope."

He winked. "Only the best. I've heard that you're a force to be reckoned with on the best of days."

She preened. "Why thank you. If you ever need a therapist to talk to about your empathy, use Kurt's phone to call me. He has a scrambler on it for my phone number."

Suddenly Kurt's eyes grew wide. He stated, "I'm going to Finn's room. I have something I have to do there."

Adam looked at him quizzically before picking up on what Kurt was planning. He asked, "Is that really wise? I've never tried to do that before."

Kurt gave him a shaky smile. "I just want to see him. I want to say goodbye."

Adam nodded. "Okay. I'll make sure you're left alone."

Kurt offered him a sad half-smile. "Thanks."

_ooo_

Kurt went up to Finn's room. He noticed that it was clean – something it had never been while Finn was alive – and figured that Carol must have cleaned up while he was away at college. He sat down and concentrated on going back to his soul's heart.

Soon, he found himself surrounded by the connections he'd made and started searching for the one connecting him to Finn. It made his heart clench to see that it was silver now; reminding him that he was gone. Still, he touched it and found himself in that beautiful place again where he'd seen his mother.

Finn was there sitting on an image of grass, looking up at the sky. Unlike with his mother, Kurt could hear Finn's words as he spoke, "Hey Kurt. Join me."

Kurt paused a moment before lying on the grass next to him, noting that the grass felt real enough.

Finn continued, "I'm really sorry about dying, you know. I was tired and the girl who gave me the drink told me it would get me all powered up again. Instead, I just felt worse. I felt separate from my body and my head was spinning and hurting. I didn't want to die."

"I know you didn't."

"You know, it's really nice here. Everything is so peaceful. I'm looking forward to my next lifetime. Maybe I'll do better this time."

"You did plenty well this time, Finn. I mean, you weren't perfect. No one is. You tried, though. You wanted to be a good person. You cared. You care."

"Yes, I do. If I'd realized earlier about the issues that come with popularity though, I'd have been able to stop. I wanted to be part of the group, so I went to the party. If I were like you and didn't care about fitting in, I would still be alive."

"If I hadn't been with Adam and had dreamed about what happened with you, I could have saved you. I'm sorry."

Finn sighed. "Kurt, it wasn't your fault. Sometimes, you just can't save people. When it's our time to go, we will. I don't think you'd have been able to save me even if you saw it. Your mom told me about you watching her die. It probably would have been something similar. Frankly, I'm glad you didn't see."

Kurt sniffled and said shakily, "Finn..."

Finn sat up and pulled Kurt into a cold embrace that Kurt never wanted to leave. He said, "You know, a few days before I died, in our English literature lecture, we covered a poem by Lyman Hancock called 'When I'm Gone…' and it touched me. Normally, I wouldn't be able to remember things like poems, but I guess I died before I forgot it."

"Recite it to me, please."

"I was going to." Finn pulled back and held Kurt's hands in his own as he recited,

"_When I come to the end of my journey  
And I travel my last weary mile,  
Just forget if you can, that I ever frowned  
And remember only the smile._

"_Forget unkind words I have spoken;  
Remember some good I have done.  
Forget that I ever had heartache  
And remember I've had lots of fun._

"_Forget that I've stumbled and blundered  
And sometimes fell by the way.  
Remember I have fought some hard battles  
And won, ere the close of the day._

"_Then forget to grieve for my going,  
I would not have you sad for a day,  
But in summer just gather some flowers  
And remember the place where I lay,_

"_And come in the shade of the evening  
When the sun paints the sky in the west  
Stand for a few moments beside me  
And remember only my best."_

Finn looked Kurt in the eye. "Could you please give people that message for me? Tell my mom that I'm doing fine here and I miss everyone. Tell them I'm looking forward to my next life and that it's beautiful here. Please tell them that I love them too, but I'm moving on."

"Why can I still hear you talk?"

"Because, she's already been reincarnated. I haven't. I just died. We all get a chance to say goodbye. I'm just lucky enough to have someone there who can hear me. I'll be watching at the funeral and the memorial. Thank you for coming to visit me, but please don't come again. It isn't good for you to be here in the land of the dead. You're still alive and don't belong here."

Kurt gave him a shaky smile. "Thank you. Forgive me for every wrong I've ever committed to you, Finn."

Finn smiled at him. "Only if you forgive me for mine."

Kurt nodded once. "You're forgiven."

"You've been forgiven long ago, but I forgive you again. Please tell mom that I'd love to have another sibling. I just wish that I were around to spoil him or her."

Kurt nodded. "I will. I love you, brother."

"I love you too, little brother."

"I'm still older than you."

"And I'm still taller."

Kurt's eyes grew moist. "I'm going to miss you."

A silvery tear dripped down Finn's cheek. "I'll miss you too. Goodbye."

"Goodbye, Finn. May we meet in a future life and have the chance to be brothers from start to finish – hopefully longer than this time."

"I hope so too," Finn replied. "Goodbye." He let go of Kurt's hands.

_ooo_

Kurt returned to his body. Opening his eyes, he found himself in Finn's room, surrounded by all the physical reminders of him – but none of them held his essence in them. They were only cold objects with memories attached to them.

Finn was gone, but unlike everyone else, Kurt had a chance to actually say goodbye. He felt the sorrow welling up in his breast and sniffled. His cheeks grew moist as tears cascaded down them and he let Finn go.

About half an hour later, Kurt ventured back downstairs to tell people what Finn had asked of him. He remembered the poem in startling clarity and knew he'd never forget it – would always associate it with Finn from that point onwards.

They cried a lot, talked a bit and tried to follow Finn's request to remember him fondly, but let him go.

_ooo_

That evening, after Eliza and her family had gone home, Burt took Adam and Kurt aside. He handed Kurt a letter and requested, "When we donated your mother's functioning organs, I requested to be notified about who received them. I had to dig around to find it, but this is the list we received."

Kurt opened it up. His eyes were immediately drawn to the familiar name right next to first kidney – Adam Crawford.

He turned a rueful smile at Adam. "So, I guess that's life. She died, giving you a chance to live, Adam. She gave you her empathy with her kidney. If she hadn't died, I'd never have met you and wouldn't have anything to fight to stay alive for. In the end, she found meaning in her death and gave you a new beginning. I guess that's all that death is: the end and a new beginning."

Adam nodded. "Just like the death card in the major arcana of the tarot."

Burt offered a tight smile to them. "I can't say that I'm glad she died, but I'm glad that her death had meaning, in the end."

Kurt nodded. "Finn's will have meaning too. We just have to find it."

Burt continued, "For all that it means, I'm glad to know you, Adam. I'm glad you were saved and in turn had a chance to save my son."

Adam smiled. "It was my pleasure."

Kurt clasped his hand with Adam's. "I think it's time for bed now, dad."

Burt nodded. "Yeah. Sleep well."

The two of them replied, "You too."

They headed up to Kurt's room, where they got changed, brushed their teeth in the bathroom and Kurt did his moisturizing routine. Finally they cuddled up on Kurt's old bed where they slept peacefully through the night.

**The End**


End file.
